Speech by Mark Siddall

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Mark Siddall
Speech Date: sep 2003
"You will have to bear with me for a couple of seconds while I picture you all naked (look around the audience for five – ten seconds…..… No, that didn't do any good for settling my nerves…………I did find it quite erotic though……..especially looking at you (insert name of someone in audience)

Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls, Friends, Relatives, Hangers on and Hired help, I am the best man and my name is Mark ‘would you like a drink’ so feel free to come and say hello to me later on this evening.

For those of you that have been best man before you will have some idea of what its like – for those that haven't I would describe as like being asked to make love to the Queen on her birthday……………its a great honour but its not really a day that you look forward to.

I must admit to being a bit nervous. In fact its not the first time today that I have stood up from a warm seat with a piece of paper in my hand.

But I think I have done ok so far today – after all I managed to get (Groom) to church firstly on time – which is a rarity, secondly sober – which isn't bad given how nervous he was this morning, and thirdly looking rather dapper – which is never seen quite frankly………………………I think he has got a bit of a cheek copying my outfit though.

However it is a great honour for me to be the best man today and it makes a change from being hid character witness in court!

As for this speech, I was a bit worried about how long it should last but a wise old man informed me that it should last as long as the groom does in bed………………so I would like you all to stand and raise your glasses………….no I'm only kidding – if that were really true I would have finished before I had stood up!!

I would just like to say what an emotional day it has been so far today……….even the cake is in tears!!

It was a lovely church and you couldn't have chosen a better setting or such an entertaining priest. I was chatting to Father Adams before the ceremony and what with (Groom) and (Bride) having a child out of wedlock, I asked him what his views were on sex before marriage………………………he said he had no problems whatsoever, provided the vestry curtains were kept firmly shut and it didn't delay the ceremony!

Now on to (Groom).

.… He was born on 10 December 1980 and looking at him today it's not hard to see he was an ugly sod!…………………..so ugly that the midwife smacked his parents!!

Come to think of it (Grooms mother) is the only mother I've known to have morning sickness after the birth!!…………..It is a little known fact that he was nearly christened Wednesday because (Grooms Father) took one look at him when he was born and said, "lets call it a day".

I have got a couple of stories now from members of his family about him growing up.

His Nan told me that when he was little and she used to look after him for the night, he would stand at the top of the stairs bawling his eyes out hanging on to the stair gate…until he fell asleep…still hanging on to the stair gate. Come on everybody "aaaaaahhhhhhhh"

His sister was telling me about the time they used to share a bath together when they were younger – which is quite perverse given that they were both teenagers at the time – and he would quite often have a number two in the bath and his mum used to come to his sisters rescue and fish it out with a cup! What a charming child he was.

His mum said that his favourite TV program as a child was Thomas the Tank Engine and I believe that he still watches it today however he must find it quite upsetting though as he told me he quite often sits down when (Bride) isn't home with a box of tissues to watch his TOM TANK VIDEOS.

As hew grew older nature took over and his hormones kicked in and he began a collection of adult magazines, but for some reason he used to hide them – from his mum I presume, unless his dad was always stealing them – under the mat in the bathroom………in his Nan's house… because quote "she wouldn't find them". But quote "she did find them" and his dad gave him a good tanning for it……….I guess you could say he spanked the little monkey.

Unfortunately not knowing (Groom) through his school years I didn't pay any attention to his schooling – and come to think of it, neither did he.

But I am reliably informed by his mum that "he was an ideal pupil that excelled in most subjects"……………..oh no, sorry it actually says, "He was an idle pupil that was expelled from most subjects.

He wasn't even any good at P.E. His teacher wrote in his school report that at football he was useless in every position……and I have it on good authority from (the bride) that that is still the case.

As most of you know (groom) and (bride) were childhood sweethearts meeting at school. How they met was just like the movies but with a bit of a twist – (groom) was being bullied by some younger boys in the playground when (Bride) jumped in to rescue him.

Speaking of (Bride) I would just like to say how wonderful she is looking today and how lucky (Groom) is. They married today for better and for worse and (Groom) couldn't have done any better and (Bride) certainly couldn't have done………….any better either.

It's plain to see what (Groom) sees in (Bride) – sitting there all in cream she is going to fit nicely into their kitchen.

Seriously though she is beautiful, intelligent, caring and in (Groom) I think she has made a wonderful choice of FIRST husband.

[Insert any messages that may have been received plus a couple of joke ones:

To (Groom)

"I will miss those nights getting to know you by the pool"

Love Michael Barrymore.

To (Bride)

"We were so good together. I can't believe you settled for him"

Love George Clooney

To bring things to a conclusion I'd like to thank you all for your attention. If you have enjoyed listening to this speech as much as I have giving it then I sincerely apologise. And remember (Bride) men are like a fine wine – they start out like grapes and it is your job to stamp on them in the dark until they mature into something that you would like to have dinner with.

And similarly (Groom) women are also like a fine wine – they start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind, and then they turn full bodied with age, until they turn sour and vinegary, eventually giving you a headache.

On behalf of the bride and groom I would like to thank everyone here for sharing their special day, particularly those that have travelled long distances – however I wish you hadn't as it would have been easier on me.

Never the less it gives me great pleasure to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses to a couple of people who I am sure you will get to know even better as the night progresses – To the bar staff!!!!!

No, to (Groom and Bride) the new Mr and Mrs (XXXX). We wish them well for the future and hope they have a long happy marriage.

TO (GROOM) AND (BRIDE)!!!!

Then sit down to rousing standing ovation!!!!!