Speech by Mark singleton

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Mark singleton
Speech Date: Sep2004
Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen.
On behalf of the bridesmaids, I would like to thank groom for his kind words. I think everyone will agree that they look fantastic and have done a great job in making today a special event.

As for the bride, I'd like to say how stunning you look.
And groom……..well……you just look stunned.

When groom asked me to be best man, I thought he'd handed me this honour in acknowledgement of our friendship. On reflection I think he was swayed by the fact I might not be able to remember our drunken nights out which may put some rather embarrassing stories out of reach…..or so he thinks.

But this is the point in my speech when I'm meant to sing the grooms praises and tell you all about his good points.

Well ladies and gentlemen……I can't sing and I won't lie.

Groom was born on the d.o.b at ? Hospital. Staff still to this day refer to it as monkey birth Tuesday.

I would like to say that something of significance happened during the year of 1973, but I've nothing more to offer you than the fact that Holland was down to its last 950 windmills!

I didn't know groom as a young boy but I am reliably informed that he was a chubby little boy who stuffed his cheeks with food and ate like a hamster, so no change in his eating habits then.

His sister name found much amusement in dressing groom up in women's clothes as a little girl called Pauline! He had the dress, the earrings, but he did put his foot down at the handbag
…..as it didn't match his shoes!

Now, I first met groom at Sixth Form College and oddly enough the first place we all went was the pub. This has been a permanent feature of our friendship ever since and probably the scene of most of our serious discussions about life and love, acting stupidly and very occasionally saying “you're my best mate, you are!”

You may have noticed that groom always has a glow about him when has out and never more so than the time I went to light his cigarette in a club…missed…and lit his nose hair instead!

It's always on these frequent occasions that groom gets his best ideas, once trying to start a dump truck in a field next to the pub “ It'll be alright says groom, no-ones watching” as the entire pub looked on in bemusement.

Another bright idea was to borrow a huge wooden acorn from the pub window. We carted it all the way across the car park only to decide, it was too heavy and we were to drunk to go any further. So we went back to the pub and put it back. Who said groom was irresponsible?

One of the things I like about groom is the way he accepts responsibility for his own actions. Which reminds me of the time we were walking home from a nightclub eating a burger, when a car stops at the lights? A man emerges from his car brandishing a snooker cue, once in striking distance he screams that someone has thrown a burger at his car windscreen, I hold up my burger protesting my innocence, groom says hes eaten his but it doesn't stop him swinging the cue inches from my nose before storming off. Oh how I laughed when Paul admitted it was him.

I feel that it is of the utmost importance to put in a few words about groom and cars. Groom has never tired of staring at the glossy pages of the magazines and imagining himself at the wheel of a sports car. I suspect that in his heart, the cars he's bought have not been quite up to the standard he wanted, in fact I'd go as far to say that he's picked some real bombs! We'd had the mini, which lasted five minutes before the sub frame collapsed, a bright orange XR3, which kicked out more smoke than a badly lit BBQ. A leaky rover with failing brakes and a Volvo which did go but had no real working dials in it to tell Paul how far over the speed limit he was, which suited him fine!

Then there was the Renault 5 Turbo in pearlescent white. Groom turns up at my house in his new pride and joy and I'm impressed, it doesn't look like an Arthur Daly reject! So he takes me out for a spin in it, No suspension, sore bum but very fast. After a complimentary coffee at mine it's time for groom to be off, two minutes later there's a knock at the door. A sheepish looking groom can't get it started, so we both look under the bonnet and fiddle a bit, saying “can't see anything wrong” followed by more fiddling and shaking of heads, you lads know what I mean. Groom tries again and the car kicks into life, in he jumps and away he roars, male pride intact! Five minutes later there's a knock and a very unhappy looking groom comes in to phone the RAC. The RAC confirms “the alternators gone”. I had to give groom a lift home in my Peugeot 405 whilst groom talked about damp, wet and alternators when we both really knew he'd bought another LEMON!

Just as well he doesn't pick a wife like he picks his cars!

When I first met Vicky I was very pleased for groom. She's bright, ambitious, level headed, and most importantly for groom she's good with money. I think you'll agree with me when I say they both deserve all the happiness in the world.

Now that you are married you do of course understand how important it is to get on with your mother-in –law….… and I'd like to give you some advice. However as my mother-in-law lives best part of 125 miles away I'll have to leave you to get through that particular minefield alone!

There's a couple of things that have been said about marriage, the first is “marry in haste, repent at leisure”. Well mate, I can reliably inform you that there's no such thing as leisure for a married man and you know how bride loves her lists.

The second is that marriage is an institution………I like to think of it as more like an open prison.

Finally on behalf of the bride and groom, I'd like to thank everyone here for sharing their day. And though it's been said before, it now gives me great pleasure, to invite you all to stand once more and raise your glasses in a toast to groom and bride. We wish them well for the future and hope they enjoy a long happy marriage together. Groom & bride!