Speech by Mark Spice

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Mark Spice
Speech Date: Apr 2002
The speech!

My Lord, Ladies and Gentlemen, friends and family. Welcome everybody to the wedding of the year!! Let me introduce myself. My name is Mark“Please let me buy you a drink”, and if you hadn't guessed already – I'm the best man!! I was chosen for the job for four reasons:

• Reliable (well I got him here didn't I?)
• Smart (what can I say?)
• Sensible (wwwweeeeeellllll)
• I wouldn't embarrass Nicola or Dougie

Three out of four isn't bad is it??

Well Dougie and Nicola have finally done it! They're married! – Nicola there's a little white van waiting for you outside and they've put a special room to one side for you – you know pink padded walls, that sort of thing.

Let me first thank Dougie on behalf of Fiona – Nicola's bridesmaid – doesn't she look stunning?? And of course I can't fail to mention George who's done a magnificent job as pageboy.

Anyway, having never been a Best Man before I was a little perplexed and wondered how I was going to go about it – Kim my wife (give a little wave Kim..) suggested to go on the internet and ‘Ask Jeeves’ – so I did, and I was bombarded with a wealth of information – there were several articles there and there was a list of ‘Best Man's duties’. I read these with great interest and one sentence really grabbed my attention – it read “ENSURE THAT THE GROOM'S FACE AND HAIR ARE IN ORDER.” Well Dougie, I have to say that if nature didn't get them in order the first time around what chance do I have??

Before the ritual assassination of Dougie's character let me tell you a little bit about how I met him.

You will all of course know that Dougie and I are policemen – ‘E’ relief at Finsbury Park Police Station was a new shift set up after a reorganisation in 1993 (or thereabouts), Sgt Gary Rose, Danny Callaghan, Trevor Hutchinson, Yours Truly and of course Dougie. We were the flotsam and jetsom of Finsbury Park, the outcasts if you please! Anyway we eyed each other up with deep suspicion until we were thrust together in the area car – from there began the slippery slope down. You see Dougie was a much-misunderstood character – well with an accent like that who wouldn't be?? No offence to all the Scots in the audience – Oh that's nearly all of you isn't it?… Anyway certain aspects about his character soon began to creep through – like falling asleep in the passenger seat on nights – and Dougie do you remember a certain security guard at Northumberland Park tube depot?? After all that I wondered how you'd cope as a trainer in the rather politically correct environment of Tadworth (that's the BTP training school for those who don't know) – anyway say no more for the time being… (for a fee I will reveal more). Suffice it to say that we spent many shifts in stitches and we became good mates.

So now we come to the bit you've all been waiting for – the Character Assassination – Where do I start? I could tell you the story about how he tried to swim in his next door neighbours ornamental pond whilst fully clothed at the age of 4 or about how as a baby he used to rock his pram backwards and forwards until it disappeared down the road and no one could find him – but No!
I think a good place to start would be a somewhat more recent event.

I've already briefly mentioned about how Dougie was a trainer. Well two people came to the training school on a course – Sarah Campbell and Mark Belchambers – (is this ringing any bells yet Dougie? – Do you remember the name Sarah – Nicola?) Well Dougie and Chris Brady (who's here as well) were invited out for a meal. Dougie couldn't make it so gave Sarah his mobile number and said – “Give me a call and I'll join you later”. She did but who do you think answered the phone – yes it was Nicola – Dougie had only gone and given Sarah her mobile number (which was one digit different to his own). Sarah said “HELLO IS DOUGIE THERE? IT'S SARAH FROM WORK” she hung up in horror, realising who had answered the phone. It was too late, text messages and voicemails were coming in thick and fast “FEEL FREE TO EXPLAIN WHO SARAH IS.” Were his colleagues concerned? Did they try to smooth things over with Nicola? Did they console him with advice? No! It was only after a week of trying to explain things to her that someone came forward to corroborate the story.

I'd like to say that Dougie excelled at school, that he was highly respected by his teachers and earmarked for great things – I'd like to say it, I really would, but I can't. He was consistent however; his report cards throughout his school career said the same things – “DOUGLAS IS DISRUPTIVE IN CLASS”… “CONTINUALLY TALKS”…this is the best one – “DOUGLAS THINKS HE KNOWS IT ALL AND DOES NOT PAY ATTENTION”. As for his sporting prowess – well can anyone guess? He took up Judo and Rugby – did he get an Oxford or Cambridge blue? – No just regular trips to the casualty department for broken fingers and toes – Dougie just how did you survive for so long?

It all came right in the end – this upright, honest citizen decided to make his way in the world (poor world) by joining the British Transport Police – Jack, can you explain now why it is you chose to retire from the Strathclyde Police that same year? If only those teachers who wrote his reports all those years ago could see him now – the disruptive boy who became a trainer at a police training school – it may have given them years of inspiration!!

(Introduce Chris Brady at this point re custody record)

Well the character assassination is almost at an end – I've been told that Nicola deserves a Gold Medal, but I'm quite sure she knows what she's doing. I would, however, like to comment on the irony of someone with an archaeology degree marrying someone called Doug!!

I'd like to finish with a brief quote from one of Dougie's colleagues who replied to me when I asked him for some amusing anecdotes or scandal for my speech. The reply was very short and said:

“I'VE NOT REALLY GOT TOO MUCH SCANDAL ON DOUGIE, ‘COS HE'S ONE OF LIFES GOOD PEOPLE.”

I think that is a pretty fair summary.

Nicola, Dougie – Mr and Mrs Fairbairn – let me give you my sincerest best wishes for the future, may you have many happily married years to come!