Speech by Mark Thomson

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Mark Thomson
Speech Date: Oct 2001
You know, when XXX first asked me to be his best man ..… organise the stag party, make sure he got to the church on time, say a few nice words about him at the reception ..… I told him he might be better off with someone else, seeing as I live 700 miles away now !! But then XXX turned around and offered me 20 quid. I couldn't believe it, and I told him in no uncertain terms that I'm a man of principle and can't be bought. I was also a little insulted that he thought 20 quid could buy my friendship .… But then we worked it all out, as we've always done in the past ..… he upped his offer to 50 quid !!

So here I am ladies and gentlemen.

Before I start I should just say .… If there's anyone here whose feeling a little nervous and apprehensive, it's probably because you've just married XXX!! Anyway, without further delay, for those of you who don't know me I'm Mark and I have the great honour of being XXXs best man for the day .… And don't worry, I'll not be standing here whittering on for long on account of my throat .… The wife's threatened to cut it if I go on too long !!

First off, on behalf of the Bridesmaids, I'd like to thank XXX for his kind words. I think you'll all agree that the Bridesmaids all look lovely and did a splendid job in getting Jennifer to the church on time.

You know I thought it was going to be very difficult having to follow a speech by my best mate and I was right ..… I couldn't follow a bloody word of it !!

Still, they do say that being asked to be best man is like making love to the Queen Mother ..… it's a great honour but would any of us really want to do it !! Still, when XXX told me how many people were going be here I phoned the Palace to check out the old girl's availability but apparently she's otherwise engaged this weekend so here I am !!

Of course I knew how much preparation XXX would be putting into his speech so I felt I should really try to do something to improve my own effort here so I nipped out and bought myself a book …exhibit A …aptly titled “The Best Man's organiser”, and as you can probably tell by now I haven't read it yet …apart from page 19 and I quote “Maintaining a clear head during wedding celebrations is vital for the Best Man. You should remain sober.” [throw book away …… drink beer] .… Well bugger that !!

XXX didn't tell me too much about the wedding preparations until a couple of months back .… That's when I discovered the 3 things XXX was looking for in his Best man … not the 3 character traits normally associated with a best man … honesty, trustworthiness and reliability … NO, XXX's criteria were:

1. For blackmailing purposes, XXX should know more embarrassing stories about the best man than vice versa.
2. It had to be someone who would make XXX look good in the photographs.
3. And finally, and most sickeningly it had to be someone who had put him through the very same pain previously …YES, XXX had REVENGE on his mind !!

Well, with all 3 of those conditions adhered to I can only say that it's been an honour and a pleasure to go about my duties so far today.

Most of them have gone OK as well … XXX was at the church on time and sober … OK, so after a couple of stiff ones this morning – drinks that is ladies – he probably wasn't legally sober when the minister asked if anyone knew of any reason why they should not marry … but he was sober enough not to put his hand up.

A lovely woman that minister … and very broad minded too. I was chatting to her this morning and I asked her what her views were on sex before marriage … she said she didn't have a problem with at all, so long as it was over before the ceremony !!

Still, as I say we managed to get to the church on time and I thought the ceremony went well and now XXX and XXX are married for better or worse … which is fairly appropriate cause XXX couldn't have done any better and XXX certainly couldn't have done much worse !!

Of course my duties didn't end there. There was also the potentially tricky task of keeping all of XXXs ex-girlfriends at bay … although this was made a lot easier after the foot and mouth outbreak since most of them are still in quarantine.

One of my other duties today is to share with you some embarrassing stories about XXX but due to the blackmailing I mentioned earlier I'm afraid I can't actually tell you any of those … which is a great pity because …

I can't tell you about the contest when we were kids to see who could pee the furthest … which incidentally was won by yours truly … and by some considerable distance I can tell you !!

I can't tell you about the time we were walking through the school hall and came upon a sign that said “WET FLOOR” … so he did.

I also can't tell you about his legendary blonde streaked mullet haircut in the eighties … Chris Waddle had nothing on our XXX.

Nor can I tell you about the night out he had a few months back where he got so drunk and disorientated that he ended up sleeping outside on some steps all of 20 yards from his front door.

Not only that but I can't show you any embarrassing photos of XXX which is a real pity as his mum had given me a cracker of XXX when he was younger – he was lying there stark naked on the living room carpet licking an ice cream – still, it's probably for the best seeing as he was 25 when it was taken !!

With that glorious picture in mind I'll move on.

You know at school XXX was an idle pupil who was expelled from all of his subjects … no, sorry I've mis-read that … XXX was an IDEAL pupil who EXCELLED at all his subjects. Of course it's no real wonder … seeing as he used to take his homework into the toilet every evening and be gone for hours. His mum used to wonder what on earth he got up to in there … well XXXa don't worry, XXX tells me he does all his best THINKING in there … of course XXX maintained this regime throughout his college years also … when incidentally his mum was still doing all his washing, ironing and sending him off to college with a packed lunch.

Of course, XXX has become more independent in the years since he met XXX. He now undertakes all sorts of DIY jobs around the house … and all stories that he has the gas board, hydro electric and the local plumber on standby every time are absolute fabrication !

As Best Man I'm told that I have to offer a small piece of advice to XXX and he'll be pleased to know that a successful marriage can easily be compared to XXX's great passion – football.

1. Be fully committed every week.

2. Always make sure you score on a Saturday.

And

3. Remember to change ends at half time.

XXX has also assured me that playing away from home could result in a serious groin injury and is definitely the quickest way onto the transfer market.

No really, the most important thing to remember is always to use those 3 little words women love to here – YOU'RE RIGHT DEAR !

Now before I hand over to my lovely assistant – XXX – for the reading of telegrams I'd just like to say that there are 2 people, who today, we have all taken into our hearts, who mean so much to us and without them this day would not have been the success that it has. Ladies and Gentlemen please raise your glasses and join me in a toast … [pause] the bar staff !

No, of course I'm only joking. XXX and XXX … a nicer couple you couldn't hope to meet. So please raise your glasses for one final toast to the future happiness of Mr and Mrs XXX– the bride and groom.

[Sit down … shut up]