Speech by Mark Wareing
I was one of two best men at my brothers wedding, We decided to bounce off each other rather than do two separate speeches. I''d only met the other best man a few times before including the stag weekend but an hours rehearsal the night before the wedding was sufficient to get the delivery of the speech fairly sorted. The words included here are pretty much as delivered although there was an element of ad-libbing, both the words and in response to the audience. We ensured that the last line of each section was delivered as practiced to give the other his cue. One of the hardest parts of t
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Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Mark Wareing
Speech Date: Sep2006
[MARK] Ladies and Gentlemen,
Now that you've all been fed and hopefully well watered it's time for the real reason that you all came here today, other than the free food that is.
Which is to listen to us deliver a scathing character assassination of Leigh…But that will come shortly, let me first Thank you all for being here today and helping to make Leigh and Kelly's day all the more special.
And I would like to remind you, that the more you laugh at our jokes, the faster our speech will be delivered.
[STEVE] In a slight break with tradition as you will have noticed there have been two of us sharing the honour of standing alongside Leigh today, I believe that Leigh actually wanted A best man but seeing as he couldn't find one, he opted for two slightly good men instead.
For those of you that don't know us this is Mark, Leigh's Older and more intelligent Brother
[MARK] Not to mention better looking…
[STEVE] And I'm sssssingle, so to all the great looking girls out there, How you doing… Ok I'm Steve Leigh's best friend.
[MARK] While researching this speech The obvious place to start seemed to be the internet, so with the flat to myself and a multitude of resources at my fingertips I dutifully began searching the web.
After a couple of hours searching I had found some REALLY good stuff on the net… I then remembered though that I was supposed to be looking for Best Man tips!!!
[STEVE] Firstly May I start by thanking Leigh on behalf of the bridesmaids, for his kind words, and I'm sure that you will all agree with me that they look beautiful today. Also a massive thank you for Tim and Pam, Kelly's parents for all their hard work and effort.
[MARK] And Leigh, I hope you made the most of your speech.. now you're a married man that'll be the last time you get to speak for 3 minutes without being interrupted
I hope you've all enjoyed the day so far, thanks go to the vicar for a beautiful ceremony and also to everybody that has been involved in organising today.
I'm sure that you will all agree that Kelly looks absolutely stunning!
[STEVE] As for Leigh, well we did our best, but nature didn't give us much to work with.
[MARK] Now, We should take this opportunity to reveal all of Leigh's past misdemeanours, but unfortunately as we have played a part in most of the incriminating events, disclosing everything Leigh has done, would be implicating ourselves and we really don't want to tarnish our impeccable reputations.
[STEVE]Although if you supply me with enough drink, and believe me it doesn't take much, I may be persuaded to reveal some details.
[MARK] Like Leigh's habit of falling asleep in the bathroom, and even more unfortunate, his habit of mistaking bedrooms for bathrooms!
[STEVE] and the great nights out, Newcastle, Newquay, Blackpool, where for some reason we always seem to wake up together,
I really hope that doesn't happen tonight…
[MARK] Over the years I was not so much a brother and Steve not so much a friend, but we were more of a pair of mothers to him:
[STEVE] We've watched him drink from a bottle, [MARK] We've watched him stagger around naked, [STEVE] We've watched him crawl, [MARK] We've dressed and undressed him, [STEVE] We've even cleaned up after him, [MARK] and several times helped him to walk [STEVE] and also, despite rumours to the contrary, fortunately we have NOT so far had to wipe his bum…
[MARK] Yet…
[STEVE] Well, what can I tell you about the groom?
I've know him for about 10 years, he's
Handsome,
Intelligent,
#MARK STARTS TO SHUFFLE THROUGH PRINTOUT OF SPEECH# Witty, Charismatic..
[MARK] Hang on a minute that's not what it says in my version,
[BOTH]#ACCUSING STARE# Leigh… …
[STEVE] OK, a brief history of Leigh's past.
Left school at 16, with an unremarkable academic record but excelled at sports Went to ###### College where he gained qualifications in Leisure Joined ###### Golf and Country Club as a cleaner well OK, a “leisure assistant” – this is where I first met Leigh Worked his way up the ranks and qualified as a fitness instructor, despite spending most of his time there with his leg in plaster And finally joined the police force, a career that he has aspired to for a long time and one in which he seems to have found happiness #LOOK AT KELLY#?
[MARK] It was whilst thinking about the wedding today that I first wondered what had interested kel in Leigh? Yeah I know it's a Difficult One … I initially thought that it was the prospect getting her hands on his handcuffs and impressive truncheon, I then remembered that seeing as they met at Ryton, she had her own… so that couldn't be it.
#PAUSE# Nope, I still can't figure out what it was…
[STEVE] Leigh, Some advice, which we hope you'll find useful in the years to come
Firstly:
1.There are 6 rings involved in marriage:
·[MARK] Firstly there was the Engagement ring,
·[STEVE] Then Today came the Wedding ring,
·[MARK] And in the years to come there will be an Eternity of Suffering,
·[STEVE] torturing
·[MARK] enduring.
·#PAUSE#
·[STEVE] and of course, Caring
Secondly,
[STEVE] 2. Always tell your wife those 3 important little word's .
[MARK], #LOOKS STEVE IN THE EYE# I Love You ?
[STEVE] That's sweet, but no the words I was thinking of were "you're right dear".
It was at this point that we were going to read out cards from those that couldn't be here today, but as a testimony to the popularity of Leigh & Kelly, everyone that they invited turned up.
[STEVE] For the free food…
[MARK] Two people who unfortunately cant be here today are grandma and granddad #######, whom would have loved to share this special day, it is especially sad as grandma ####### was actually in service here in Lillishall hall during the 1940’s.
[MARK] To round off, I'd like to say that Leigh, in Kel you have found someone that is attractive, smart, funny and loving. And Kel, you have found shrug Leigh?
[STEVE] Leigh, You're a lucky man. Kel's a beautiful girl with a heart of gold, and she deserves a good husband.. Thank God you married her before she found one!
[MARK] In all seriousness though Leigh, you've been a brilliant brother and a great friend to me over the years. It's been an honour to be one of your “slightly good” men today, and with all my heart I hope you two have a long and happy marriage!
[STEVE] – What can I say, Leigh is a top guy and we've had some good times and great nights, I'm honoured and privileged to stand here today as his best mate and one of his “slightly good” men, I'd like to wish Leigh and Kelly all the best in their new lives together – some things are just meant to be, and you two are a perfect example.
[MARK] All that remains is for me to say, Ladies and Gentlemen, please be upstanding and charge your glasses, a toast to the new “MR & MRS #######”, To Leigh & Kel
