Speech by Mark Whelan

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Mark Whelan
Speech Date: Jul 2002
Mark's Speech

That's not the first time I've got off a warm seat clutching a piece of paper today!

I must say I was somewhat surprised but nevertheless honoured when Mike asked me to be his best man. We've not always seen eye to eye as my Mum and Dad will tell you.

It's at this point I'm supposed to tell you about all the ‘cock ups’ that Mike has made in his life, but there are too many of those to mention. Instead I'm going to give you a brief insight into how he grew up.

Mike was born on the 10th February 1968 and as usual he was in such a rush he couldn't wait for hospital and was born at home. A quiet baby Mike was the best of the bunch of the Whelans but all that would soon change! In fact it's only his crying and passing wind, which remind us of those early days.

In his early years a strange pattern began to emerge. Each summer we would go on holiday and for the whole fortnight my dad would take pictures. As soon as we got them home we would all eagerly wait to see even though it meant another of my dads slide shows. Every single snap of Mike saw him with is finger up his bum. It wasn't for another 15 years that we found out why, and it was only this morning in fact he uttered those immortal words, ‘ pass us the haemorrhoid cream Mum, me piles are killin’.

To say Mike was accident-prone would be an understatement. Once he shot himself through the roof of his mouth with his own bow and arrow, he fell every other week and cut his head and in more recent years he forgot how to use a key and regularly put his hand through the glass kitchen door.

Mike was a bit of a lad in his teenage years and a mother's nightmare child. First came the ear piercing and then started the haircuts. First a Mohican, then a Flat Top, then a shaved head and then hair everywhere. The final straw came when he started to wear make-up and eye shadow. Fortunately he grew out of this, at least that's what I thought until I went to the stag do and saw he was into cross dressing as well!

Mike did quite well at school and college and finally realised his dream to become a draughtsman. At this point he also became a Hippie, you know the type crocheted top, baggy trousers and a sudden liking for salads. Oh and I forgot more make-up. Again this faded out and he's now like that!

Over recent years Mike has tried out one or two different career changes, non more interesting than his spell as a pub landlord. For those who know Mike this was not a good idea! Nevertheless something very special did happen during this period of his life and that is where he met Sally. Most of Mike ‘s special moments happen in the pub!!

This meeting in the pub was not a traditional affair, in fact it was Sally who made the first move. Mike walked in the pub completely sober, which I'll give him his due he does quite regularly, it's the walking out when the problems start. Anyway, Sally was a bit, I mean a lot worse for wear and went over to Michael and said ‘I'm staying at your place tonight’, Mike surrendered and later that evening she dually did go home with Mike. This was a memorable first date for Mike as soon as she got in the door, she threw up all over the carpet and went straight to sleep. I'll say it again, Mikes a strange lad!!