Speech by Mark Whitehouse

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Mark Whitehouse
Speech Date: mar 2004
Ladies and gentlemen, its at times like these where every Best Man wished Pampers made an adult size nappy.

Thanks Sean, as is customary I'd best get the pleasantries out of the way first……

Firstly, on behalf of myself, the Bridesmaids, the Ushers and Frodo/Mr Baggins, the ring bearer, otherwise known as Brennan, I'd like to thank Sean for his kind words. I would like to thank John, a few others here today, and all the other Stags attendee's for making the Edinburgh weekend one to go down in history. Twas a laugh! I would also like to thank both Becky and Sean personally, for bestowing on me the great burden of being their Best Man today, though I am hoping by the end of this, they will be regretting that decision………

To reiterate, I think everyone will join with me in agreeing how lovely all the bridesmaids look and that the star of the show, Becky, looks truly stunning. Sean you are a very lucky man.

Wasn't the wedding service great. Whilst waiting for the bridal party to arrive, I found myself talking with the vicar and with Becky coming from a religious family asked him his opinion on sex before marriage. He said it was fine as long as it didn't delay the service.

There's a few people here who know me, for those who don't, I'm Mark, the Best Man.

When Sean asked me to be his Best Man, it started me thinking ‘Why has someone, who I didn't really know that well at school, was way too weird to be a friend anyway to be honest, saw nothing of between the ages of 16 and 28, and only then saw once in a blue moon, ask me to be his best man?’

I pondered, could it be that I saw the spark of romance that first evening in Warner Village Cinema – Cribbs Causeway in between the popcorn fights? Or that fateful evening, where I bullied Becky to send Sean her mobile number (although it wasn't really that difficult). I could say that they wouldn't be together now if it wasn't for me playing cupid and that thing called love.

Is this why he asked me to be there Best Man I hear you ask? No, it's because Sean thought I wouldn't have any dirt on him.

Or so he thought..…

We all think of Sean as Intelligent, and responsible and being an ex-scout leader he would need to lead by example. There was one time where a certain member of Sean's scout group was caught stealing a 20ft sign from the campsite by the on-site security at that's years Scout Jamboree. He was ordered to return the sign and also report to his scout leader and inform him of his criminal like behaviour. Of course, Sean was angry, as any scout leader would be, but what really annoyed him, was at the age of 28, Sean could still be mistaken for a 15 year old scout and that if he had turned left not right, maybe he wouldn't have got caught in the first place….…

Seans Mum Di, keeps an immaculate house which I visited last week. Unfortunately, this was one virtue Sean obviously didn't get passed down. Some of you have been unlucky enough to have visited Sean whilst he lived in Sheffield. Thankfully, they hadn't started filming the TV documentary ‘A Life of Grime’ yet, else I'm sure one of us would have put Sean's house up for nomination, Don't get me wrong, his house wasn't dirty as such although having a shower could lead to a nasty fungal infection should the shower curtain sway too close, but more that we only found out the colour of the carpets the day we helped him move out……

Becky visited in the Autumn last year and I think Sean spent an entire week cleaning the place before she arrived – now that is love……though I gather she did spend the rest of the weekend with marigolds on, but that could have been something they enjoy together and maybe shouldn't have mentioned……

My Friend Sean is quiet to say the least, although what he lacks in a strong voice he makes up for with an intelligent mind. I'm sure there's a few people here who have had one of those conversations with him in a crowded pub when a confused and dazed look appears on his face after he asked you ‘what you thought of the troubling crisis growing in the middle east’ and you reply ‘cheers mate, mines a lager top’

Although, I could go on character assassinating my good friend all day, I only think it fair that I say a few words about Becky.…

Whilst lying in bed the other night with her, I asked her what she thought of Sean. She said she thought he was a great guy, but was surprised why he had asked me to be his best man. I replied….actually, you don't really need to know this, it's the Becky sat here that we are talking about today and not my very own partner, who also happens to be called Becky.…

John has done a great job in summing up his daughter, but I felt I should get my two pennies worth in whilst I still have the chance. We all know Sean needed someone to, how can I put it, point him in the right direction in life, but Becky not only points him in the right direction, but also tells him what time to set off, where from, where to, how long and make sure he phones at least three times.

I've struggled to get any material on Becky, but whilst a group of us helped them to move in last weekend I wanted to share with you something that raised a laugh.

After bringing the sofa in, Sean, making his first major decision as man of the house, decided that it should be placed under the window. Unfortunately, for Sean he failed to notice the look on Becky's face and when the words, ‘Sean, I don't think it should go there’ were uttered, the incredible speed in which the living room emptied of 10 other people was almost like someone had shouted ‘fire’. You don't need to guess that the sofa was in a different position some 5 min's later.

We all need our chalk and cheese, our annoying habits, the way we can rub each other up the wrong way, but that's what makes couples work. Sean and Becky have found true happiness and I'm sure Sean has had some say in how much happiness he's allowed..…

Sean does a lot of charity work which is great, the only problem is a disturbing trend has emerged. For some reason he thinks he will raise more dressed as a woman. Thinking he could be a secret cross dresser, I waited to see what the outcome would be when we asked him what theme he wanted for his stag weekend. Most people would choose Gangsters, or Soldiers or something manly. Sean however, pleaded to be able to go as Trinity from the Matrix films.

Show poster of Trinity

I rest my case

The film I am about to show you may shock some of you especially Becky. Knowing that your blouses may never be safe again is difficult to live with and I do sympathise.

This is of the evening's entertainment on the Saturday night in Edinburgh on the Stag Weekend. Although not customary to divulge secrets of a stag weekend, the sight of 20 Agent Smiths chasing a transvestite around the streets of the city is something everyone should witness once in their life. Once that's finished I promise you won't have to endure me much longer.

Play video

As you can see a rather disturbing trend, but we did have great fun that must be said.

Sean and Becky, I'd like to wish you both great happiness for the rest of your lives together, and as a small token for bestowing the honour of best man on me, I'd like to give you a number of gifts.

I must make sure I get this the right way round.…

Hand Sean his dress – that so you keep out of your wifes wardrobe.

Hand Becky her trousers – that's just something you can wave at Sean if he ever forgets his position in life.

Hand Becky their joint present – that's a spare pair for the honeymoon

Seriously now, ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to thank you for all attending and help make today an even greater day for the newlyweds, and with great pleasure I'd like you to ask you all to charge your glasses and be upstanding to join me in a toast to the bride and groom.

‘May your love be modern enough to survive the times and old-fashioned enough to last forever’

(Raise glass)The toast is to Sean and Becky, the new Mr and Mrs Townsend

Thank you

I'll now read a number of cards chosen from friends and relatives unable to attend