Speech by Mark

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Mark
Speech Date: 13/04/2014 18:24:13

For those at the back….… I am standing up.

It's my pleasure, on behalf of the bridesmaids, to thank Chris for his toast.

Some of you already know me but for those that don't my name is Mark and I'm Chris’ older brother and I will be your best man for today's proceedings. It's wonderful to see so many people gathered here today to celebrate with Chris and Gemma. It's especially nice to see some members of my family, who I haven't seen since they were let out for my wedding. Proof, if it were needed, that care in the community doesn't work?

I read somewhere that a good rule of thumb for the length of a best man's speech, is that it should last about the same amount of time that the groom makes love. Thank you. [sit down as if finished]                                                                                     

Ladies and Gentlemen I really struggled with writing this speech. I just couldn't seem to find the right words to properly express what I wanted to say. So I decided to share with you a passion of mine which very few people know about and I'm going to express everything I wanted to say to Chris and Gemma………… through the medium of conceptual dance.

[Start music (Orinoco Flow by Enya) and strike a pose ready to start the dance].

I'm only joking……….… I never dance without my partner, Serge!

During my research – and yes, believe it or not, this speech was researched – I looked into the three key elements of a wedding day:

• first, the aisle, the longest walk you'll ever take;

• second, the altar, the place where two become one;

• and third, the hymns, to celebrate the marriage.

 I think Gemma must have done some research of her own, because all the way through the service I could hear her whispering  “aisle, altar, hymn; I'll, alter, him”.   

When Chris asked me to be his best man, my first thought was ‘good choice’.

My second thought was “what an honour it'll be……… for him”

and my final thought was “About flippin’ time”. Because we've had to wait a long time for Chris to find the right girl.

A girl that possessed all of the attributes Chris was looking for.

Poor eyesight, low expectations from her man and someone that thought quantity surveying was sexy. It was a tall order but thank god Chris eventually found Gemma.”                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          

You may not know this but Chris even tried a dating agency, but without success I'm afraid.

When he phoned them up to register, the lady said he needed to fill out an application form and send it in with a photo.

She also recommended that “if you wear glasses you should make sure your spectacles are clearly visible in your photograph””                                  

Unfortunately, Chris misheard the word spectacles and as he settled down in front of his camera, NAKED, he made sure that the boys were out of the barracks and clearly visible as instructed. He did get a lot of reply's to his advert but unfortunately most of these just served to re-enforce mum and dad's suspicions.                                                                               

But Chris has proved that good things come to those who wait as he finally found his perfect match.

Chris, I'm sure I don't need to tell you that Gemma is beautiful, has a heart of gold and deserves a good husband. Lucky for you, you've married her before she found one.                

But not everyone is a happy as Chris today, as gentlemen I'm sure you'll agree that today is a sad day for all the single men of the world, as another beauty leaves the available list.

And ladies, I'm sure you'll agree that for the single women everywhere, today's passing by without much of a ripple to be honest.                                        

27th of June 1974. That was the day that Chris came into the Austen household and changed our lives for ever. I remember that day vividly. I was watching Bagpuss on the TV. Dad was in the garage working on the Cortina and mum was in the kitchen ironing a pair of his flares.                                           

There was a knock at the door and when mum opened it she found a baby lying on the door step with a note tucked into his blanket. It simply read “I can't take care of him anymore. His name is Sasquatch and he eats raw fish”.

So mum brought him in, shaved him and he has been living as part of the family ever since.                                                                                                       

Chris and I used to share a bedroom when we were younger.

I had the bottom bunk due to a phobia of ceilings and Chris had the top bunk.

This arrangement worked out pretty well for a while but unfortunately Chris started regularly wetting the bed and I used to sleep with my mouth open.

To this day, I wake up in a cold sweat if I hear rain in the middle of the night.                                                                                               

When Chris was about 7 he started playing football and was coached by Laurie Froude who's here with us today.

Chris tried to play in defence, in goal, up front but unfortunately Laurie had to admit that Chris was pretty useless in just about every position.

Hopefully Gemma you'll have better luck with him.                                                          

It was tough for Chris growing up in the shadow of his older, more talented, funnier, better looking, more successful, popular, cooler brother.

He had to listen to people always saying ‘oh Mark you're so great at everything’ and ‘I wish I was just like you Mark, you know brilliant an stuff’.                          

I distinctly remember one kid at school saying to Chris “your brother is going to be the greatest human being of our generation”.

Not my words ladies and gentlemen. The words of stinky Stuart Watson. He might have smelled of wee by stinky Stu could predict the future. For example shortly before they put him in a secure hospital, he predicted that his parents house was going to burn down and it did.”                                 

But I used to tell Chris not to worry as no one expected him to be as great as me. My kind words of comfort didn't seem to help and we'd often end up fighting.

I remember times when I would call Chris ‘stinky bum’, he would call me ‘poo poo face’, and we would both run home crying.

But sure enough, the next day, we'd always email each other at work and make up again.                                                                                       

Despite our occasional fights, I've looked after him over the years as a big brother should.

I watched him drink from a bottle, I watched him stagger around naked, I watched him crawl and I helped him walk.

I've dressed and undressed him, cleaned up after him, wiped his nose and wiped his bum and that was only 2 weeks ago on his stag party, in Butlins.                                                                                                               

Unfortunately, I can't show you any pictures from Butlins as they've been confiscated as part of a formal police investigation.

However, I can confirm the pool filtration system has suffered no long-term damage and the Red Coat in question will probably make a full recovery if the doctors can remove the microphone.”

Little brother I've been married for a few years now. I forget how many exactly but it seems like a lot. So I think I'm perfectly placed to offer you some advice on marriage.

1. It's important from the start to establish some ground rules and let your wife know exactly who is the boss. I'll give you a clue. It's not you!”   

2. If you have an argument and you're in the wrong, say sorry. If you're in the right, it's been my experience that it's still safer to say sorry. If you think you haven't done anything wrong at all; you are almost certainly mistaken and you should ask Gemma if she thinks there is anything that you should say sorry for.

3. You can't make Gemma love you. You can only try to be the sort of man that Gemma wants to love.”                                                          

This has been a wonderful day so far and a very proud day for me.

I got to watch my little girl walk down the aisle today as a bridesmaid and I can only imagine how proud Doug must have felt to watch his little girl walk down the aisle as a bride. .                                                                      

I was proud of Chris today and all that he has achieved in his life so far. Not least for bagging himself such a stunning bride.

I felt proud of my parents for raising us correctly and teaching us the important lessons in life and it's those lessons that I know will help Chris make his marriage a long and happy one.                                                                          

Most of all I am proud to call Chris my brother because he has become the sort of man I would choose for a best mate.

Well done Chris. You get what you deserve in this life and you thoroughly deserve the happiness you've found with Gemma.                                                                                                                          

You'll be glad to know I'm nearly finished. I just wanted to let you all know that I am performing the whole of my dance piece at the Trinity Arts Centre next Thursday so If any of you want to come along you can get tickets from the box office.                                                                                     

My final duty as best man is my favourite. Which is to propose one last toast to our newly-weds, so if you'd please be upstanding. Ladies and gentlemen it gives me immense pleasure to invite you all to raise your glasses and toast Chris and Gemma.