Speech by Martin Dawson

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Martin Dawson
Speech Date: 26/08/2011 18:05:58

Good afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Thank you all for attending on Nicola & Richard's Special day. May I say SISTER” you look absolutely stunning.

Before I start, I think it only right that I ask Richard how long it has been since his last confession?I'm sure you would agree (Richard) that your soul should be cleansed before your new path of happiness & joy starts with Nicola, & I feel it is my duty as best man & Brother to assist you in this task. I would now like you to study the following exhibits which may give you an insight before cleansing begins.

Early Years

1964 was the year Richard was born. Yes you heard me right Nicola 1964! The end of the Vietnam War and the opening of Scotland's forth road bridge, the cracks are showing, loads of repairs & constantly walked on, the bridge on the other hand seems in good shape.

The Beatles were invading America by storm and memories of Dad playing Beatles spool tapes over & over on a Sunday night are etched. I'm sure they had an everlasting brainwashing effect on us all.

(Nicola I will explain spool tapes later ….way before your time).

Richard is the 3^rd child of Brian & Eileen & their first son, following Julie & Hilary. At an early age they knew he would go far, as a teenager he had great looks, and was a great all round sportsman, with a big heart & big head to match.

School

Richard went to school & has kindly dug out his old school report for us today, it seems a little old & worn “thereport” but it says here he exceeded most lessons?…No …sorry that says excluded most lessons!…His bravado however didn't last long as the 2^nd son began to impress with impact……I'm sure everyone is aware  they are usually better at everything, that's why Richard didn't hesitate to ask me to be best man after Mark, Chris & David  refused.

Girlfriends

Richards's first girlfriend I think was called Ellen…or Rigby, (as we liked to call her). Bit of a lady Madonna a Russian navy girl, big & strong, she had to get back in the USSR on her Yellow submarine. Secondly was Penny Lane the first girl he saw in the altogether!!…Now I can tell you, I am the walrus springs to mind. I said to him now your goanna loose that girl. I feel fine Richard replied, let it be, we can work it out, with a little help from my friends, I can't buy me love!!

But all they did was twist & shout. Eventually she took the long & winding road.

Interlude!

Much time then passes, & then some more time, Richard was then blessed with two wonderful daughter's Rachel & Brogan, both here today looking gorgeous, hi girls.

Then Richard met Nicola, he said “I saw her standing there”…”.I wanna hold your hand”, “When I'm 64! …your mother should know”.

I believe Nicolas response was along the lines: “I got to get you in to my life”, “ya going nowhere man”, “please please me” “come & get it”.

All I will say is ain't she sweet & all you need is love.

P.S.  At this point Richard had vetted the remaining part of Girlfriends section of the speech & for whatever reason the following Beatle titles were omitted or deleted. They were: In no particular order:

Ticket to ride, Come together, she's leaving home & help. So Richard, as promised, I have left them out.

Holidays

Family holidays  were enjoyed holidays in exotic places such as Scotland, Berwick, Cornwall & even going abroad once to Holy Island. I remember the summer of 76, 6 people crammed in a Ford Escort Estate including luggage, 90*C, air con not invented. How much fun we had, happy days!

A few year ago Richard, Dave & I enjoyed one monumental motorcycling tour & Dave will back me up on true events.

Nursing a swollen melon head, cuts to face & two black eyes after a ‘football injury’ Richard was recuperating onlythe day before we were to start a tour to south west France. But Richard is a true fighter and with true grit, encouragement & some cooking oil managed to prize the crash helmet on his melon sized head, I remember him saying “good it's on, it's not coming off until we get there!

As we guided him towards his bike, I did have slight concerns, but they soon dispersed when Richard offered to be a tail man as he couldn't read any road signs because of blurred vision. On our arrival he staggered & swayed in to the caravan,collapsed in a bed. We thoughtfully put him in the recovery position before going out for the day. Some 24 hours laterwe decided to wake the sleeping giant & after a few pints he seemed to rally.

Things were to get worse on our home ward bound journey If you can imagine ladies and gentlemen please picture the scene Two bikers arguing at border control over ‘pre pay’ or ‘pay now’…it wasn't long before a kind HMS customs officer offered some assistance. He asked Richard to lift his tinted visor…oh dear! Angry Mr. Sweaty Mellon head here courting two black eyes was going to get me locked up!

Where did you get the black eye? At which point my brain heard my voice say

 “It's ok” – He got that in England not in France?!

“Where in France have you been”?

“Camping near Boudreaux” Richard was in no state to answer tricky questions he couldn't manage road signs never mind questions.

“What's the campsite name”?  Err?

“Name of the town”?

“No idea, any easier ones”

“Engines off & follow me please”

Some 30 mins later after a lot of checking on passports & driving license we were free. The moral of this story is:

No matter how bad you feel the situation, you can work things out simply by discussing problems calmly together you will eventually end up on the right road and more importantly going in the right direction.

Employment

Richard employment history…well, let's  just say it would make an interesting after dinner topic .In his late twenties  Richard was training to be a metropolitan police officer he had hoped to complete the tough & vigorous training &enjoy the passing out. Passing out is something mum & dad did after they received a call from a rather irate Inspector notifying them he had gone AWOL & wanted to know if he was back home? After disembarking from a GNER trainin Newcastle he was persuaded in the form of a warrant for his arrest if he failed to return to the capital to discuss a small concern. Alas an officer of the law was not to be and a resignation on compassionate grounds was his wish.

So to Local Government is was and Education a path beaconed that would eventually bring Nicola & Richard togetherNicola's school was the most visited by a certain Education Welfare Officer in 2010  for no apparent reason?

P.S. I would like to defend Richards honor and quash any rumors that Richard has taken garden leave are simply not true; Nicola would never let him leave the garden before finishing it. On that note Nicola has asked me to mention that as well as the garden Richards new hobbies now include washing dishes, washing clothes, ironing, cooking & dusting.

I have been informed as a little girl Nicola was never as happy as when she had her dummy with her, well Ladies andGentlemen look how happy her new dummy is making her today!

And Finaly….

Thank you Richard for choosing me to be your best man, it's been a great honor.

Nicola, you're a wonderful person & quite rightly deserves a great husband, Well Nicola; you've found him, in my wonderful brother Richard. Ladies and Gentleman, it gives me immense pleasure, to invite you all to be upstanding and raise your glasses, may we wish them well for the future, and may they enjoy a long and happy marriage. ‘Nicola & Richard’. Thank you