Speech by martin dyke

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: martin dyke
Speech Date: 14/02/2013 07:58:21

Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen I'd like to once again welcome you to the fabulous occasion that is, Shaun and Lorraine's wedding. It was such an emotional ceremony; even the cake was in tears. I'm sure you will all be pleased to know that I'm only going to be talking for a few minutes today because of my throat… Its Health & Safety, if I go on too long, Lorraine has threatened to cut it.

Despite all the nerves that go along with writing and performing a speech I have really been looking forward to today, as after all the years I have known Shaun he's finally admitted that I am in fact “best man”. Now for all those of you who don't know me I'm Martin, Shaun's best mate.

Before I start I would just like to reiterate just how lovely our beautiful bride Lorraine looks today, and to Shaun… well you did what you could mate. I'd also like to thank the bridesmaids for all the help they have given Lorraine and my god don't they look amazing, also a big thank you to the parents for all the work they have done to help pull this wedding together, Also a big thank you to the ushers for their difficult task of escorting everyone to their seats, and who can forget our pageboy (name).

I'd also like to say a quick thank you to everybody that made it on the stag doo, what a night it was after all its not every day you get to party with the predator.… just for you that 1 worthy.

So in preparation for this I heard it is traditional for the best man to embarrass the groom, but I thought where's the challenge in that? Shaun is perfectly able to embarrass himself all on his own.… “Cue the barman please.”  Now all joking aside I would like to tell you about one of the best blokes I know, but I've been told today is not about me so I'm going to talk about Shaun instead

When Shaun first asked me to be his best man I was so proud, what an honour and a privilege I thought. Until Shaun asked me what nice things I was going to say. Would I be telling you all how nice and kind he is?…..this from a person who used to try and pin me down so he could fart in my face, make me play football knowing I had two left feet so he could use me as target practice, ambush me with bb guns as I leave my house or just generally use me for a human punch-bag, needless to say I always got my own back, when the drinking began as Shaun becomes rather light on his feet (or is that lightweight) with a few Sambucas down him  so light in fact he seems to glide over garden walls unfortunately he needs to work on his landings, although personally I find his face first approach provides more comedy value than the usual feet first.

Shaun and I first became friends around 12 years ago when he moved in a few doors down from me. We quickly became good friends from a mutual love of winding each other up and just generally being complete idiots. For quite a while our parents thought each of us to be a bad influence on the other because every time my mum caught me with a packet of fags my instant response would “they're Shaun's I'm just holding them for him,” and vice versa.. That old chestnut I know.

Now what can I say about our Shaun … well quite a few things come to mind but here's a select few he's just about the nicest bloke you can ever hope to meet he's loyal, kind, reliable and honest, there's really nothing this guy wouldn't do for his mates, as for Lorraine, since first meeting her I knew instantly they were perfect for each other, she's just as wild and crazy as Shaun… sorry that's not true compared to Lorraine mate you're a nun..… She's bloody mental, but such a lovely, kind, intelligent and hospitable way, she will never shy away from a good laugh, not to mention she can tolerate me… even when I'm praying to the porcelain god in your brand new house on new years’ eve (or is that too specific?).

Finally I would like to leave you with some marriage advice …….Someone once said to me that marriage is a 50/50 partnership, but anyone who believes that clearly knows nothing about women, marriage or fractions…….… To help the course of true love run smoothly, never forget those three very important words you must say everyday…… “You're right dear.”

Toast

So then ladies and gentlemen it gives me immense pleasure, to invite you all to be upstanding and raise your glasses in the final toast……………The bride and groom, Shaun and Lorraine. We all wish you the best in the future and may you both enjoy a long and happy life together.

I give you the new Mr and Mrs Foster.