Speech by Martin Evans

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Martin Evans
Speech Date: sep 2003

INTRODUCTION

Good Afternoon, Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls; for those of you that don't know me, my name is Martin, and today I am lucky enough to be Steve's Best Man. I'm only going to speak for a couple of minutes because of my throat [Touch Throat – cough]. Apparently if I go on for too long Steve has threatened to cut it.

So firstly on behalf of the Bride & Groom I would like to thank everybody for coming especially those who have travelled such long distances, I know this means a lot to them both.

Also on behalf of the Bridesmaids I'd like to thank Steve and Sarah's father for their kind words. I have to agree; the Bridesmaids look wonderful and have done an excellent job today in getting Sarah to the Church on time. It's been such a wonderful and emotional day, even the cakes in tears!! Hey they get better!!

THE SPEECH

Now before I launch into the traditional character assassination of the groom. I think we all agree Sarah looks absolutely gorgeous today. Steve, I think you've done extremely well marrying someone who's beautiful, charming, smart, funny, loving and caring…and Sarah [pause] you've got Steve!

While I was trying to write this speech, I was looking in one of those guides you get about being a best man, and up there with the important duties of getting him home from his stag night alive and remembering the wedding ring, it had a little checklist of things to do and I'd like to share a few of those with you today. Apparently, I had to:

Help The Groom Dress (If he doesn't know by now then we are in serious trouble!)
Make sure the Groom uses the toilet (He did and I know he was very nervous this
morning because he left this in there! [show brick])
Ensure the Grooms face and hair are in order (Well if God couldn't get it right the
first time how was I?)
Make sure the Groom has a good nights sleep (He did, apparently he slept like a baby.
Waking up every two hours crying for his mummy!)

But I'm sure you will all agree that my first duty of getting Steve to the church, sober and on time was a complete success.

Before we move on and now that Sarah is no longer on the market, can all of Sarah's ex-boyfriends which still have a key to her house please return them [People Hand in Keys]
Thank you.

ABOUT STEVE

So what can I tell you about Steve, or rather what shouldn't I tell you about Steve? Well, I met him at Borstal in 86, sorry I mean Aberdare Boys Comprehensive in 86.

And at school, Steve was a very skinny small boy and after getting the photos of his stag night developed, ladies I can safely tell you he hasn't changed one little bit! [Show little Finger – Look at Sarah] Isn't that right Sarah?

I can also tell you Steve's favourite lessons were Choir Practice and Violin. I don't know why because he can't sing and he certainly can't play the Violin! Must have been something to do with the female tutor! In fact the only subject he was any good at was bunking off!

My sources also tell me Steve was a bit of a terror when he was a lot younger, nicking all the Christmas sweets that his mother had hidden and cleverly taping the lid back on!

Drinking a bottle of his fathers homemade wine with a friend when his parents popped out for five minutes. Only for them to return and find two drunk 8 year olds!

Steve also likes to boast about the fact that he was once in the Royal Marines, but he fails to mention they kicked him out after a week!

There is also a few things Steve has asked me not to mention,

Like the time he filled his car up with petrol in Bristol and then realised he'd left his wallet in Swansea! He had to beg the manager to let him go. But to his credit he did drive all the way home, picked up his wallet, and drove all the way back to Bristol and paid!

There was another time when Steve after a long and hard day at work fell asleep in a traffic jam on his way home! He only woke up when the Police started tapping on his window!

Then there was another time when Steve and Sarah went to Tenerife for a holiday. Steve actually left Swansea with a Big Black suitcase, on arrival at Tenerife Steve swore blind and argued with Sarah that the small Blue suitcase that he was carrying was his! Steve wore the same clothes all week!

READING THE CARDS

Ladies and gents, I'd like to take this next opportunity to read out some cards, mainly from people that unfortunately could not make it today.

* Read Cards and add the following in between *

To Sarah, I'm sorry I lost your mobile number. Love George Clooney

To Steve, I'm sorry I lost your mobile number. Lots of Love Barry [Shrug]

To Steve, You left your Underpants at my Flat. Lots of Love Barry [Shrug]

To Steve,

TOASTS
All joking aside, I'd like to say to Steve that I have enjoyed our great friendship for the past 18 years, and know that this friendship will continue for the rest of our lives. And I would also like to say what an honour it has been for me to be your best man today.

If I can now ask you all to remain seated but raise your glasses I'd like to make a few toasts. Firstly to the Bridesmaids who look lovely and have done a great job today. Thank You

To Sarah's parents and Steve's Mother for this very special day. Thank You
Also I'd like to toast absent friends and family who sadly cannot be with us today. God Bless.

FINAL TOAST

Finally, it gives me great pleasure to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses in a toast to Steve and Sarah, the new Mr and Mrs James.
Congratulations we wish you all the very best for the future!