Speech by Martin Gilson
We have included third party products to help you navigate and enjoy life’s biggest moments. Purchases made through links on this page may earn us a commission.
Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Martin Gilson
Speech Date: Oct2006
"My name is Martin, and I'm an alcoholic. Buggar, wrong day!
Ahem, it's my very great honour to be A***’s best man and as is traditional on these occasions, I'm here to welcome you all on this very special day, point out the fire exits and life boats, and for those of you who don't already know A***, give you a little bit of a background on why J*** would put up with him the way she does.
Firstly though, on behalf of the bridesmaids, I'd like to thank A*** for his kind words – they do all look gorgeous, don't they? – and echo his words about his bride – J***, you look stunning. I would also like to thank the ushers for their help today. Just a quick word of caution about usher Paul: ladies, if he happens to offer you a bet of any description later, be careful. Be very careful.
As you know, the essence of a successful wedding speech is: short and simple. They are both characteristics of mine, I guess that's why A*** chose me to make one.
I should point out, I am actually a replacement best man. A*** first asked Sam, who was so terrified at the prospect he emigrated. We were hoping he would be here today, but sadly he's in France looking after Jackie who knackered her leg earlier this week. Fortunately, Sam had already written his speech and he was kind enough to email it to me, so if anyone is offended by anything I say, I'll give you Sam's email address later.
Although looking at this, I can see why he emigrated…I'll stick to my own speech.
Anyway, not having been a best man for 20 odd years, I spent several hours surfing the interweb to try and find out exactly what my duties would be. I downloaded lots of MP3’s and also came across some fascinating pictures of Britney Spears, but that's another story.
Apparently the most important thing I had to do was make sure A*** got to the church on time, looking presentable, clean-cut and sober. Given what we had to work with, I don't think we did a bad job – you scrubbed up nicely today mate, it's surprising what a flannel and a bar of soap can do. Mind you, it helped that the Black Horse has shut down.
We have both been called a number of things over the years, but I don't think we've called each other by our names for about ten years – I'm Gilbo & he's Lodge. I've known him since 94, and got to know him particularly well when he returned from an ill fated six months working in Indonesia. Coming home not quite the millionaire he'd hoped, he lodged with us for 18 months – hence the nickname. In typical Lodge fashion, he soon got himself back on his feet and bought our house, selling it for a vast profit so he could start building 96 of his own in Newcastle – probably a more viable venture than trying to sell pink & blue nappies, eh mate?
His great passion has always been speed: fast cars, fast bikes & fast food on the way home from the pub. If there was a super-bike with a ZX, Ninja or Fireblade in it's name, he's bought it. And made it go faster. And faster still. And then rode it on one wheel. And fortunately, never fallen off at speed. Odd really, because when he's had 4 wheels to balance on, he's used a Lotus Elise to plough a field – perhaps it's his farming background – and driven a removal van into a house.
A few years ago he discovered another way of going fast – he came away with me & my wife for his first week's skiing. Just to add that essential random element, his first lesson came after a solid night's drinking and about 25 minutes sleep. I seem to remember having to help him get dressed that day too…but he was still on the black runs by the end of the week.
Over the years, he's proven to be the best friend a man could have. From walking my dog, decorating my house, laying our Pat our Pat? our patio, lending me a wide-screen telly for two years, picking me up from the airport, going to the pub, carrying each other home when we've had a couple … while desperately trying not to wake whichever household had the misfortune to put us up for the night, he's genuinely been a true friend. There's nothing I wouldn't do for him, and likewise I believe, nothing he wouldn't do for me. In fact we spend our whole lives doing nothing for each other.
When Lodge first met J***, I knew there was something special happening. Having been completely unreliable before then, he was incapable of planning even hours ahead, so when he started being organised weekends in advance, we could tell something was in the wind.
J*** definitely brings out the best in him, which must take a lot of effort, in fact I'd say she's made him a even better person since they've been together. J***, I'd like to thank you on behalf of humanity for that.…
And Lodge, having been happily married myself for 8 years and counting, my tip for a great relationship is not to go a single day without uttering those three magic words: “you're right dear!”
And now, all that remains for me to do is to wish A*** & J***, the new Mr & Mrs J******, every happiness in their lives together, to the bride and groom."
