Speech by Martin Maciver

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Martin Maciver
Speech Date: Jul2006
Good evening Ladies and Gents, Mr and Mrs Example!! For those of you who don't know me, I'm Martin, Male Kevin's younger and I'm very proud to have been asked to be Best Man today.

Kevin is without doubt the best brother I've ever had. The only one right enough so there's not been any competition for top spot. He's done a pretty good job so far though even though it must have been difficult at times having me as a brother……….I‘m sorry!!

For a long time now I've been looking forward to this moment………….being over!! And thankfully it soon will be. When I was first asked to be Best Man I was delighted………then I remembered about the speech and I've been dreading it ever since.

I'll try to keep this short so at least if you can't think of anything nice to say to me later on, you can compliment me on what a good length the speech was.

There are two envelopes on each table and can I just ask you to leave them be for now and I'll let you know when to open them.

I'd like to first of all thank Kev and Annie for turning up on time and not forgetting anything. It really must be a first for the both of you. I was a bit nervous putting that it in in case I jinxed it but thankfully not.

On behalf of the Bridesmaids I'd like to thank Kevin for his kind words. I'm sure everyone will agree that Laura and Hannah have done an excellent job and are looking fantastic and Annie, my new sister-in-law, you look absolutely stunning.

Surprisingly, even Kevin has made an effort for a change. I did advise him that jeans and trainers, his usual attire, weren't entirely appropriate for today and thankfully he took that on board.

It's great to see that a few of you have brought video cameras with you to preserve the moment. If I do make any embarrassing error, say something silly or worse still, fall over. Please come and see me later and we can maybe come to some arrangement. I've been saving up just in case and will buy the tape from you. It'll save you the postage to You've Been Framed and me the embarrasment of a starring role in the When Wedding Speeches Go Pear Shaped section.

I'd like to give thanks to Pat, Carmel, Murdo and Helen for putting on this event. It's a wonderful setting and I'm sure you'll all agree it's been a great success up til this point. Everyone should be congratulated for the hard work involved in organising such an occasion . Thanks also to the waiters, bar staff and all the hotel employees for doing such an excellent job, their hard work is very much appreciated.

Thanks also to those of you who've travelled from all over the UK to be here today. It means a lot to Kev and Annie that you've gone to the trouble and expense of coming along. Personally I wish you'd all stayed at home and made my job for the day a lot easier.

A special thanks should go to Mike, Lynne, Donnie and Martine who've made the journey all the way from Australia to be here today. Kev was saying the other week how glad he was that you'd all be here and thought it only right to offer you something towards your travel costs seeing as you've spent so much. If you come and see me later I've got some money from Kev to put towards your fare. I first of all thought he meant air fare but he's only given me 㾶 to split between you all so I'm assuming it's for a taxi fare. Having known him for so long I'm sure you wouldn't have expected any more.

When Kev and Annie first asked me to be Best Man, the two of them were discussing which Celebrity they'd like to invite aside from the usual friends and family. They both agreed that Gary Linekar would be one such person as they both thought he was a very nice man and one of them thought he was particularly handsome. I still don't know if it's Kev or Annie who thought that which is slightly worrying.

So I took it upon myself to invite him. I sent letters, e-mails, faxes and made phone calls to all sorts of companies connected to Mr Linekar including Walkers Crisps, the BBC and Leicester City Football Club. Funnily enough he didn't want to come to his newest stalkers brothers wedding but it's with great pride that I present to you both two signed photo's of the man himself courtesy of Walkers and the BBC. I've even framed them so you can each have one on your bedside cabinet as a keepsake from him.

Kev and Annie first met whilst working on an American Fun Park on a working holiday and love soon blossomed. They were out on a night out and Annie was too young to get into the bar, not that she'd want to of course. Ahem!!. A group of them went back to Kev's place for a drink and it was there that Annie really caught his attention. She was drinking from a can and for some reason she quite often takes the metal ring pull off the can and puts it inside. Of course, the inevitable happened and she swallowed this ring pull. She didn't want to look silly so soldiered on although it didn't go unnoticed.

As some of you may know, Kev's a fan of odd or quirky things so this impressed him no end. She reckons she swallowed at least three ring pulls that night although to this day she's still not sure.

If you are buying Annie a drink later please get her glasses or bottles only!!

While on this trip, Kev was awarded the “Employee of the Month” award and proudly wrote home with news of this achievement. It emerged from Annie a few years later that he only won this as he asked his boss nicely if he could. It was absolutely no reflection of his ability. If his current boss is here I hope that the inclusion of an Employee of the Month award from an American Theme Park on his CV wasn't a deciding factor in his appointment.

Over the years Annie has made no secret of her wish to get married, to Kev I should add, not just anyone, and on a holiday to the romantic city of Venice, everything appeared set for a proposal. Right enough they were walking along one of the many canals when Kev dropped to one knee. Annie thought this was the moment and braced herself for an idyllic proposal . Unfortunately for her, Kev had other plans, dropped to all fours and continued looking for the rat he'd seen a short time before. She'd have a while longer to wait tho not too long.

There were a few times growing up when I was inspired by Kevin. I've fond memories of borrowing an array of brightly coloured shell suits, sweat bands and woolly jumpers. I even bought my own disgusting brown and grey woolly jumper and samba trainers like my big bro. Thankfully it was just a phase and I soon saw sense. He's also had a few questionable haircuts and if you open envelope no 1 you'll see an example of one.

Produce bad haircut from younger days!!

He must have a deceptively strong neck to hold that lot up!!

Towards my late teens I regularly borrowed clothes from him, although in my defence, not because I liked them. I was working in a nightclub in town which hosted Seventies themed nights and his clothes fitted right in having been bought from second hand shops and originating from that time period. He had a particularly nice pair of brown corduroy flares which he still has to this day and a pretty horrifying collection of shirts. It was like having my very own second hand shop at my disposal free of charge.

His wardrobe has improved slightly these days but I'd say it's still a work in progress.

We went away to the West Highlands a couple of weeks ago for Kev's stag night. A strange thing happened there and rather than try to describe it to you it's probably easier if you see for yourself. If anyone in the audience is feeling unwell, pregnant or of a nervous disposition, I'd advise you not to look. If you could now please open envelope no 2.

Produce embarrassing Stag Night photo of him in daft costume!!

The strangest thing wasn't that he was wearing this but that it required very little persuasion and no threats. If anyone does fancy buying Kev a gift from Ann Summers for his Birthday or Christmas, he takes a size 14 – 16 in the Hello Kitty range.

Seriously though, on behalf of the Bride and Groom, I'd like to thank everyone here for sharing their special day and I'd like to thank Kev and Annie for asking me to be Best Man. It's been an honour, so before I start crying…………Ladies and Gentlemen, with great pleasure, and relief, may I ask you to be upstanding in preparation for a toast.

We all wish you both great happiness and all the very best in this new chapter in your life together. May your love be modern enough to survive the times and old fashioned enough to last forever.

TO KEV AND ANNIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!