Speech by Martin McCone

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Martin McCone
Speech Date: Apr 2001
Good afternoon, Ladies and Gentlemen, my name is Martin Wouldyoulikeadrink. Please feel free to say hello and call me by my full name later on
I won't be up here too long on account of my throat – Clare has threatened to cut it so I won't ramble on too long.
On behalf of the Bridesmaids can I start by thanking Paul for his kind words . I'm sure you'll all agree they do look stunning.
Also on behalf of Clare & Paul can I thank everyone for coming although from a personal standpoint I wish you hadn't bothered
You've turned what could've been a nice day out for me into a bit of a personal nightmare.
I read a Best Man's Duties book prior to this and it said as a pointer “Give speech to Bride and Groom”. Now in all honesty I thought it meant just the bride and groom with the 3 of us maybe having a nice cup of tea etc.
But looking round to see that so many people have turned up only make me realise the lengths people will go to for a free meal and an all day bar
But anyway I don't want you to feel as if you've spoiled things for the 3 of us so I'll press on .
I'd like to thank Paul for asking me to be Best Man .It strikes me that being asked to do this is a bit like being asked to sleep with the Queen Mother – it's a terrific honour but, deep down, nobody really wants to do it.
It's understandable – weddings are nerve-wracking and emotional days –I mean I believe even the cake is in tiers!
Up to today Paul has tortured me with the comment that he wasn't at all nervous about today so I'd like him to explain why, when I had the misfortune to follow him into the Bathroom this morning, I found these in the toilet!! (Hold up 2 Bricks)
But it's natural – he'll look back on today as a millstone – sorry milestone!
I know it's traditional for the Best Man to wax lyrical about the number of ex-girlfriends the Groom has had.
But I don't want to get into all that – it's frankly vulgar and offensive to the Bride. But, suffice to say, Paul, that 72 turned out to be your lucky number
For those of you who don't know Paul so well I will try now to give you a Potted history of the man himself.
For those of you who do know him well – you have my sympathy.
Paul was born on the 14th September, 1964.Looking at him now it's not too big a stretch of your imagination for you to accept that frankly he was an ugly baby.
In fact when he was born the midwife slapped his parents.
It's a little known fact that Paul was nearly called Friday, as George turned to Rose after Paul was born and said, ” I think we'd better call it a day!”
He was dragged up in Workington's notorious Moss Bay area – known locally as “Baby Bronx”.

George & Rose did what they could despite suffering from a disease, common to the area, known as financial cramp
It was so rough that the neighbours used to carry more heavy weaponry than an American fifth-former
Moss Bay was the only part of town where you had to take your front doorstep in at night
But you couldn't close your windows at night in case you broke someone's fingers.
The only good thing about living there was they used to get so many bricks through their windows that George managed to build an extension.
But money remained scarce – George could hardly ever buy the family presents – people used to say he was a man of rare gifts.
To make ends meet Rose took a job as a banana bender at the local Tesco
George used to work as rear gunner on the local milk float!
Things got worse as the 3 other kids came along, .George was up to the eyes in debt – which is why he always wished he was taller.
In fact Copper wire was invented in their house when the 4 kids fought over a penny they found.
Things were so tight that when they managed to go on holiday George used to cancel the free paper!
I remember at school once Paul dropped a coin and stood on it to stop it rolling and the soles of his shoes were so thin he could tell if it was heads or tails up.
School
You can see I look younger than Paul and I was in the year below Paul at infant school and didn't know him so well in the early days so I've had to rely on Paul for this info:
Paul was an exceptionally gifted and popular student who excelled at everything he did. His cherubic face and exemplary behaviour endeared him to everyone he met. His leaving broke hearts aplenty and was mourned by pupils and teachers alike.

College
The next really significant part of Paul's life came in Liverpool during The College Years.
I can only liken this period in Paul's life as being similar to the recent US Presidential Elections. What I mean by this is they were totally dominated by Bush and Gore!
It was here that he fell in love with Stella …Artois – just at the time he could least afford it
To save money he took to drinking Whisky and Horlicks so he was always asleep when it got to his round.
Now, as I also went to Liverpool it was here that Paul led me into his whirling cesspool of alcohol and general excess.
During this time it's fair to say that Paul's idea of a balanced diet was having a Quarter Pound burger in each hand.
He used to eat so much corned beef that if anyone cracked a whip he'd be off at a gallop.
On account of his diet his room suffered from what I can only describe as an atmosphere problem.
It got so bad that he gave up on air freshener so a few of us chipped in and bought him a canary instead.
Naturally, due to this lifestyle, his work suffered. He was accused by one lecturer of suffering from Apathy. I said to Paul – what does he mean by that?.He said – “I don't know and I don't care”.
With respect to Rose I was like a mother to that boy at college. I've :
Seen him drink from a bottle
stagger round naked
crawl
helped him to walk
but he has never had problems getting his own wind up.

Work
After college Paul took a job in Cleator Moor but had to leave on account of his back – they wouldn't have him back.
But from there he went on to UCB where he went from strength to strength and where he and Clare met
Their Meeting
I was actually instrumental in Paul & Clare's eventual pairing off. Perhaps Clare won't remember this but on Paul first day at UCB I asked what she thought of him as he walked over to our office block and she said “Attractive from afar”.
It's odd how little this has changed because recently I asked her what she thought about Paul and she said “Far from attractive!”
It's plain for all to see what Paul sees in Clare – sitting there all in white – she's going to blend in nicely in that kitchen.
So the bride's dressed to kill – let's hope she doesn't cook the same way.
The definition of “bride” is – the first person to put her foot down after you carry her over the threshold
I'm sure you must be asking yourselves, as I often have, what exactly does Clare see in Paul?
Well, they say that love is blind………and yet, from personal experience I can tell you that marriage can be a real eye-opener. Let's leave it there.
During my research -and yes, it was researched – I looked into the 3 key elements to a Wedding day and they are as follows:
The Aisle – it's the longest walk you'll ever take.
The Altar – the place where 2 become 1
The Hymn – the celebration of the marriage
I've a feeling Clare may have been reading the same book because as she took her place beside Paul today I swear I heard her whispering “Aisle Altar Hymn, Aisle Altar Hymn”.

So this is the honeymoon period. You know –the bit between “I do” and “You'd better”.
Cynics these days will tell you don't need to get married – you can just meet someone you don't like and then buy them a house.
We all know that marriage is an institution – but who wants to live in one of those?
I believe that marriage is a useful process where you find out what sort of person your spouse would have really preferred.
So if you do decide to go ahead and get married good, clear communication is key. When I first got married I told my wife I liked black underwear so she stopped washing my underpants

Advice
I will have been married 10 yrs in October and so I feel qualified to give a little advice to these 2 impetuous kids
It's important to get on with your Mother in Law – I didn't speak to mine for the first 2 years of my marriage .It wasn't that I didn't like her – I was just too polite to interrupt.
Some people say marriage is a 50/50 partnership – anyone who believes this knows little about women or fractions!
A husband should always remember the 3 Little Words – “You're right, dear!”
Again, cynics say that Marriage is just a word. From my experience it's more than a word – it's a sentence……..and you get less for murder.
I was told – Never go to bed angry. I've lived by this – I always stay up and argue!
Finally – Never swear at your wife while there are ladies present.
I started planning this speech 2 weeks ago and I'm sure you must feel I've been delivering it just as long but it now
gives me immense pleasure, not to mention great relief, to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses to Paul and Clare.Sure you'll agree – lovely couple
Wedding presents on show at Clare's mothers house on Sunday if anyone wants to see them
Before I leave you I would like to read out some messages from the people who did consider my feelings and couldn't make it today:
Congratulations on your marriage. Sorry I couldn't be there. Please send a picture of the Bride and Groom mounted. – From
This is to Clare from the lads at football. We've tried Paul in most positions and he was useless in all of them. Hope you have better luck!