Speech by Martin Rennison

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Martin Rennison
Speech Date: Dec2007
Well Ladies and Gentlemen: it's not the first time today I have stood up from a warm seat with pieces of paper in my hand.

Because contrary to popular belief I am actually very nervous about giving speeches especially ones I write. The last speech I did only had 4 words and they were “NOT GUILTY YOUR HONOUR”. But Chris has said that if get this right, he has promised me that if I can be best man again at his next wedding.

Firstly, can I just say how surprised I am in the similarities already forming between Chris and Bob, Bob has just enjoyed his first chance to speak uninterrupted in 20 years and Chris has just enjoyed his last.

However, before the berating of my best friend I have some kind words:

To Start I would like to thank Bob and Chris for their kind words today. Thank you also To Lyn, Mary and Sid for allowing us to join you, and share in this already amazing day, you must be incredibly proud and justifiably so.

Thanks must go to the Victoria the wonderful Maid of Honour who has not only done a great job in supporting Natalie today but who has also been a great confidant for Natalie since the beginning of the wedding preparations.

Also Thanks to Josh who did a great job today as page boy, no doubt we will see you strutting your stuff on the dance floor later.

And then there is The Bride – Natalie you look absolutely amazing, I hope you thoroughly enjoy every moment of today you have worked so hard and now its time to enjoy yourself. And today you have not just become Chris’ wife but a friend to many of us too.

Final thanks go to the Ushers who I must admit achievements belie all expectations today. You did an incredible job. None of us can believe you actually turned up. And of course a special mention to Darren who really looks the part of Usher

I think you all agree today has been fantastic and especially the Church service with the wonderful Gospel Choir although I must say the vows were somewhat interesting, Chris saying &quotI Do&quot and Natalie saying &quotYou'd better

But you know weddings can be a nervous time, especially the night before, so being Chris’ best man I decided to keep him company last night and you will all be pleased to hear that he slept like a baby ……………….he was up every 10 minutes crying for his Mum.

So for those of you who don't know my name is Martin What-Would-You-Like-To-Drink, please come and say hello to me afterwards but I must insist you use my full name. Although I was not Chris’ first choice for best man, but actually his 2nd. Chris had asked his closest friend from the Steamcoach Jack Daniel's who he had apparently been spending a lot of time with prior to him proposing to Natalie but he refused.

So before I really start hammering the groom, I think I should let you all into a little secret… that Chris has asked me to share with you, Did you know that it was very nearly I marrying Natalie today. But… a bet is a bet and well you can decide who lost.

I have known Chris and hung around with him since we were at Infant school together at St Roses. So over the 21 years, this has been able to provide me with an insight to the real Chris Webb something I feel compelled to share with you and more importantly Natalie.

I asked Mary and Sid if they had any cute photos of Chris that I could
show today.… They said there was this really sweet photo of him lying on a sheepskin rug, naked, eating a chocolate biscuit and dribbling……I was going to get it blown up to show you all today, but when I realised that it was taken last Christmas I thought it might be a bit inappropriate.

Because you see there are certain No go area's in a best mans speech, and had Natalie had her way and been able to check the speech, it would have been over quickly and deeply unsatisfying, not something you would want on your wedding evening. So I'm not going to discuss how he was sick out of his bedroom window on to his conservatory so much that his parents thought it was raining. Or how at the age of 15 he drank 1 can of larger and was too drunk to ride his bike home. Or that he made so much noise peeing up a friends fence that the neighbour thought he was having sex with someone. Or even Chris’ incredible ability to sleep anywhere, be it on a friend's drive, in his front door way, in his back garden or even in a pile of bins outside a bar in Ibiza. Nor would it be right to embarrass him and discuss how this time last week he was having his eyebrows waxed a facial and yes a manicure too. Or how at the age of 4 he farted so hard he actually poo'd himself… and ladies a gentleman that final story came from his mum.

So here goes, and for those who know me, I am sure you are aware I never been afraid of being a rambunctious scallywag who enjoys pushing the boundaries, and for those who don't, apologies.

I was thinking about discussing Chris's ex girlfriends but as Foot and Mouth got rid of most of those, I think its fair to assume he's safe. Bar the ex girlfriend who lives 4 doors down from him, however I am sure Chris has his own reasons for buying the house they did.

The next thing I would like to touch on is Chris’ penchant for dressing up and wearing make up. Now I know he has dressed up as a boxer for you Natalie but did you hear about the time in Magaluf when he was 18 years old. In one night he went out dressed as a pirate, and yet ended the night with a big red clown face – well… we all just shocked.

Now it's fair to say that Chris’ and I friendship has generally always been plain sailing. Chris and I however, have had a few cross words, usually with Chris resorting to calling me A Fat feel free to insert any offensive expletive. But it never came to fisty cuffs. Except once, It was the summer of 98. Chris had been invited on holiday with my family and I to Sandbanks, It was during our results of GCSE's, Chris decided to call his Mum for his results, the usual niceties occurred and then Chris said can he have his results, she asked him are you sure? And Chris was like Yes? Are your enjoying your holiday she said? Yes, Do you want to continue? Yes. On receiving his results he was perhaps a little down beat.

Chris and I then went and got drunk. We then ended up talking about stuff as you do and things ended up with me being called Alf Roberts. Who I believe was a character in Coronation Street as a big fat, bossy councillor. Things escalated into a rather feeble scrap with very few punches thrown. It was months after and we were having a joke about it, when we traced the argument that I had thought he had meant Alf Stuart from Home and Away who is a big fat, bossy councillor but who was also ginger – you must draw a line somewhere.

The truth is I don't have anything too slanderous to say about Chris I guess it's because he has always been a good friend. And, I would hate to implicate him in anything troublesome – well that and I'm sure the story would have me or one of our friends present today in it somewhere.

Instead before I finish I thought I'd offer you some marital advice.

1. Don't forget if u buy Natalie flowers, she knows your guilty, and she will remember to the date the last time you bought her some … and the reason why!

2. if you want to know the secret for remembering your anniversary – &quotforget it once&quot.

3. Married life can be compared to football. So be fully committed every
week and make sure you score every weekend. Make sure you change ends at half time and put your tackle into hard or you might injure yourself However, Natalie assures me that playing away from home, will result in a serious groin injury and is definitely the quickest way to get on the transfer list.

So finally,

Chris you are a great friend, have always been there and utterly dependable, in truth you are the best man. Chris, it has been my greatest honour to serve you as best man, and I only hope that I have met your expectations.

Ladies and Gentlemen: it gives me great satisfaction, not to mention relief to ask you all to stand. –

We are all here today to celebrate everything that Chris and Natalie have found in each other – a best friend, a lover, a teacher, a playmate, a true partner for life. As you sit side by side through this roller coaster of life remember to scream from the peaks, hold hands through the dips, laugh through the loop-the-loops and enjoy every twist and turn for the ride is better because you share it together. Separately, you are two special, remarkable people but together you are complete. We wish you all the love and happiness in the world

To the bride and groom!