Speech by Martin Rouse

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Martin Rouse
Speech Date: oct 2004
Thanks for your site it really helped me when I was best man in April. Here is the speech:-
Best Mans Speech

Host and Hostess, Bride and Bridegroom, Ladies and Gentleman

First if I may I will do the official part of the best mans speech and that is to thank Derek on behalf of Janie's bridesmaid Janice for his kind words Janice looks tremendous and has done a great job helping Janie today.

This morning, at the ceremony, I think everyone will agree……that Janie looked absolutely stunning..…

Derek looked absolutely stunned.

When I was getting ready this morning Karen asked me if I would be nervous standing up in a room full of people and making this speech, of course I said I wouldn't be but to tell the truth underneath this cool calm exterior I'm shaking like an MFI Wardrobe.

When Derek asked me to be his best man I was honored and wanted to do my best but unaccustomed to public speaking as I am I had to ask my Dad for advice and he said that a good speech should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials. My Mother told me it is also customary in some quarters to make it the same length of time as the groom makes love. Well that it then. (Marty sits down).

Only joking – he normally doesn't even last this long.

Unofficially it is also the job of the best man to reveal a few embarrassing moments from the grooms past.

I don't want to disappoint you but there is no way I am going to stand here this afternoon and make cheap obvious jokes about Derek..…

Lets face it he deserves our utmost respect

Derek is a man who knows where he is going and knows where he's been

The only problem is he hasn't a clue where he is at the moment!

There is a lot I could tell Janie about Derek's past but she has been with him for a long time now so I'm sure she knows enough about him and his many habits such as drinking to excess, stopping out until the early hours and coming home smelling of kebabs – But that's enough about his good points.

I should start right at the beginning: Derek was born on the 9th of January 1964 and incidentally shares a birthday with Richard Nixon. As we have been close friends for nearly thirty years I think it is about time that I revealed a few of his own little Watergates.

From a very early age Derek has always had a keen interest in sports, in particular football and before he met Janie his first love was Newcastle United where he has been a season ticket holder for many years.

At junior school he was even picked to play for the school team but although he tried very hard he found it difficult to establish himself and he failed to perform adequately in any position – I just hope Janie has more luck with him tonight!!

His footballing skills may have been poor but they were nothing compared to his driving abilities, after all it took him five attempts to pass his test, by which time he was on first name terms with all the examiners at Gateshead Test Centre.

His first driving instructor should however take some of the blame as he used tell Derek to drive on and then spend most of the lesson thumbing through girly magazines only stopping to show Derek a centerfold spread and say PHWOAR get a load of those!!

Derek never failed on the highway code though because that same instructor would always interrupt the lesson to call into a house to have a word with his “sister” instructing Derek to read up on his highway code, he would then appear twenty minutes later looking red faced and somewhat disheveled. I remember howling with laughter when Derek asked if this was normal behavior for a driving instructor!!

Once he finally did get through his test he got his hands on a nearly new Chevette which when it was sold had a matt blue roof whilst the rest of the bodywork gleamed, this is because the roof was the only part of the car not to have been replaced at some point.

The first of many crashes came when a nun pulled out in front of him and he swerved to miss her and hit a lamppost. Despite insisting it was her fault. Who do you think the insurance company believed?

I'll never forget the time one new years day that he went to Stanley after having a few too many sherbets and skidded on some ice broadsiding into a parked car causing quite a bit of damage. Naturally he did not hang around to be breathalysed and so he sped off.

Unfortunately someone had taken his number but Derek coolly parked the car at the Sun Inn and continued drinking. After closing time he walked home and noticed a police car hidden round a corner lying in wait to catch him driving home. “You'll be waiting there a long time” he chucked to himself. Sauntering into Hill View without a care in the world

Then some time later after many more accidents when someone smashed into the back of him Vivien uttered those immortal words “I can't believe this has happened just when he was going through a good spell”.

Most of our formative years were spent at the Huntingdon late night drinking and dancing establishment at Stanley which unfortunately burned down about fifteen years ago.

The Highlight of the week those days was a Sunday night where the three musketeers Derek, Billy and myself enjoyed much drunken revelry and many incidents which far from exaggerating I cannot possibly repeat as they would not get past the censor and obviously I promised not to mention the time Derek was arrested for dancing on the pavilion roof, or when he chucked a brick through Stanley Police Station Window or the time his car caught fire accidentally on purpose.

However I must mention the time I caught Derek on Stanley Bus Station Roof pulling down the fourty foot Ariel used by Stanley Taxis. When I asked him what the hell he was doing he replied, “If we can't get a taxi home then neither is anyone else”!!

As a married man of many years I would like to give the newlyweds some advice

Married life is full of excitement and frustration:
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they BOTH speak and the NEIGHBOURS listen.

In my experience marriage halves our griefs, doubles our joys and quadruples our expenses it could be described as a process where love ripens into vengeance.

In fact marriage is like a violin; when the beautiful music is over the strings are still attached.

I read the other day that scientists have now found a definite link between marriage, sex and astrology….…

If you have been married over twenty five years , sex happens once in a blue moon.

To Janie I would say:- If you love something set it free, if it comes back, it was and always will be yours, if it never returns it was never yours to begin with.

If it just sits in the lounge, farts, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your phone, takes your money, and never acts as if you set it free in the first place don't blame me Janie You married him.

To Derek I would say Women are like a fine wine, they start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then before long they turn full bodied with age, until they go all sour and vinegary, eventually giving you a headache.

In conclusion all I can say is that it has been a privilege to have your friendship over all these years and if you are half as good a husband as you have been father to Dean you can both look forward to many happy years together.

I've probably said enough so now I will read a selection of the cards:-

Sorry I couldn't make it, been under a bit of pressure at work from Osama Bin Laden.

Best wishes on your big day, sorry we didn't win the contract for the catering from everyone at Burnopfield Kebab Shop.

All the best, couldn't make it cause of a few last minute hitches from Saddam Hussain and family.

The Toast

Ladies and gentleman please be upstanding and raise your glasses, I would like to wish Derek and Janie health wealth and happiness and a long and fruitful future together

Ladies and Gentleman The Bride and Groom.

Thanks Again
Martin P Rouse