Speech by Martin Shepherd

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Martin Shepherd
Speech Date: Aug 1998
Ladies and Gentlemen

FORNICATION….Sorry …FOR AN OCCASION such as this I was terrified about making a speech….that was until I found out about the sort of things that I was supposed to say as the best man. I learnt that, up there with the important duties of remembering the wedding ring and getting the handcuffs off the groom at the stag night was a duty to spend five minutes at the reception demolishing Rob's character.

Not one to shun my duties ….here goes……

I met Rob in the first term of University. We shared the same Halls of Residence and studied hard for the same degree. Okay, so we were enrolled on the same degree course. We didn't know Sally in the first twelve months, but that's not to say Rob had no love interests that year. He was absolutely bowled over by Stella when I first met him and had a particular fondness for Sherry (Cheri). That being said he did play the field….Carlsberg, Whiskey, Gin and Tenants Extra too…he loved them all.

Rob was playing the field the night he met Sally in the Waterfront bar in King's College. I have tried to research further into the details of that night so that I could tell you all about it today. But it wasn't easy, Rob was of no use as he couldn't even remember anything twenty four hours after the event, let alone six years on. I contacted others who were there to give me some idea of what happened. Its still not clear but if I give you some key words, I'll leave it up to you to join the dots together to make a picture for yourselves….booze, nurses, gin, tonic, mistaken identities, David R***, belches, more booze and an ambulance.

But from there things progressed and once Rob realised that Sally wasn't a nurse and had stopped asking her to put the uniform on, things settled down. None of us was surprised to learn that Rob was starting this relationship with a policeman's daughter as he'd always had a good ‘working’ relationship with the police, in fact I remember him once telling me of the time on holiday that he'd met the Greek chief of Police, who'd even invited Rob to spend a day and a night at his place of work.

It was a couple of weeks before he brought Sally back to the Bachelor pad that he shared in St John's Wood with three other blokes, 200 flies and a beer bong. Her presence was felt immediately, she brought warmth, a great sense of humour and fantastic elbow grease. I mean, some of the stains in that toilet were a bugger to shift, and we know, because we watched the beads of sweat drip from her forehead. We also stood and watched in awe as she was the first person in the flat to light more that one hob to cook an evening meal. We'd all thought that a well balanced diet was a Big Mac in each hand.

Rob and Sally have done so much together already, from Rob's final year dissertation to decorating their first house. Actually, I can't believe that they are moving house again this week… back to the DIY. Married life for them will no doubt start with a lot of banging and screwing. Their love still seems so pure and simple, Sally so pure, Rob so simple. Rob has indeed found someone special and in all seriousness I can say that now. There are not many best men who can describe the bride as a true friend as well as the groom, but I'm lucky in that I can do just that. It is an honour albeit the most terrifying experience of my life to the best man here today and I'd like to offer them the traditional Best Man's wish of good luck, good health and happiness.

It is also my duty to reply on behalf of Jo the bridesmaid and thank Rob for his kind words and gift. She does indeed look wonderful today and I'm sure you'll agree she performed her role splendidly.

I now have a few telegrams to read from absent friends and relatives:

1.To Rob and Sally
Best wishes form Bill and Mary Farkin…and the whole Farkin family.

2.From the Playa los Arcos Hotel , Puerto Vallata, Mexico

Congratulations to you both on this day. We very much look forward to making your honeymoon a special and memorable one. Please do not worry if there is some delay when you arrive. We are putting something on for you…..the roof.

2. To the groom,

A loyal and valued customer, our very best wishes to you and your bride.

Will you be renewing your subscription?

Playboy Magazine.

Finally on behalf of the bride and groom, I'd like to thank everyone here for sharing their day, particularly those who have travelled long distances and though it's been said before, it now gives me immense pleasure, to invite you all to stand once more and raise your glasses in a toast for Rob and Sally, Mr and Mrs G******* no less. We wish them well for the future and hope they enjoy a long, happy and fruitful marriage. Rob and Sally….…