Speech by Martin Shepperd

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Martin Shepperd
Speech Date: Oct 2001
Ladies and Gentlemen

Well I must say that I am very nervous about making this speech. In fact this is the fifth time today that I have got off a warm seat with pieces of paper in my hand.

They say that being asked to be best man is very much like being asked to make love to the Queen Mother.… a great honour, but no one really wants to do it.

Joking aside, I would like to thank you [GROOM] for asking me to be the best man today, it really is an honour to be asked and a pleasure to fulfil the role. I'd like to thank both you and [BRIDE] as well for the lovely present.

I'd also like to thank [GROOM] and [BRIDE] on behalf of the bridesmaids for their kind words and gifts. A******, V***** and V**** do indeed look wonderful and I'm sure you'll all agree they performed their role splendidly.

It is traditional for best men to use their speech to talk of how and when they met the groom….well, it goes without saying that [GROOM] and I first met when we shared a womb, back in ‘71/’72. Essentially we got on well as womb mates, but I think that one fight too many resulted in [GROOM] deciding to move out prematurely. I obviously missed him, as after only five minutes I decided to join him in the big wide world. Those months prepared us well for the time we shared another confined space 24 years later, when [GROOM] allowed me to stay in his bedsit while I was looking for a flat in London. The bedsit was so small, [GROOM] found that he could cook, wash up, shave, shower, iron, answer the phone and use the toilet without even having to leave his bed.

Although we are twins, I still regard [GROOM] as my big brother, both in terms of age (albeit by 5 minutes) and in terms of waist measurement. Marriage is a serious matter which, shouldn't be entered into lightly and at 13 stone, [GROOM] certainly isn't doing that. Really, I should take this opportunity to reveal to all, [GROOM's] past misdemeanours, unfortunately I have played a part in most of the incriminating events, as twins we've always been co-conspirators and joint culprits. By disclosing everything [GROOM] has done, I would be implicating myself and I really don't want to tarnish my impeccable reputation. Speaking generally though, what I will say is that during our time at university when both of us were in London, (there were times in the Waterfront Bar)I was not so much a brother but more of a mother to him:

I watched him drink from a bottle
I watched him stagger around naked
I watched him crawl
I've dressed and undressed him
Cleaned up after him
And several times helped him to walk.

Instead I'll talk of [GROOM's] achievements…so you needn't worry, its not going to be a long speech! Neither [GROOM] nor I can boast an outstanding track record when it comes to sports. The only time we actually represented our school in any sport was in one match for the 5th XV rugby team. I was actually selected for the team, unfortunately [GROOM] wasn't….he didn't even make the subs bench. I remained rather unenthused by the whole experience and during the first half signalled to [GROOM], who was supporting from the touch-line that I'd had enough of playing and wanted to come off the pitch. I asked him if he'd take my place. [GROOM] kindly raced off and got changed into his rugby kit and got back to the touch-line just in time for the second half. A few friends helped out by slapping him round the face to redden his complexion and poured water over his head to make it look as though he'd been sweating. Unfortunately I hadn't really over exerted myself during the first half of the match and walked off the pitch looking rather fresh faced. This continuity error could have foiled our plan, but suffice to say the unofficial substitution went ahead unnoticed, I left for an early bath and the 5th XV rugby team had a fresh pair of legs….even if they were [GROOM's].

Another achievement, I suppose was during his time as a Cub Scout. [GROOM] can't claim to have achieved an arm full of badges, in fact in two years as a cub he earned just the one…..the cookery badge. This involved [GROOM] making a poached egg and a cup of tea. Incidentally, that today remains the full extent of his culinary skills. I personally think that a more notable achievement from his scout days was actually managing to get through a three-day camp without going for a dump for the entire duration. It has to be said, the toilet was a hole in the ground and [GROOM] does enjoy his home comforts. He was so blocked up when he left that waddled home from that camp like a constipated penguin.

But his greatest achievement has to be marrying [BRIDE] today. [GROOM], you are a very lucky groom, you've married someone who's smart and beautiful, kind-hearted, loving and caring and she deserves a good husband. So good job you married her before she found one!
Someone once said that marriage is a 50/50 partnership. I hope you realise that anyone who believes that, knows very little about women….or fractions!

But in fact [GROOM] and [BRIDE] do seem to have a very caring/ sharing relationship. They compliment each other well in life's daily chores…..…

[BRIDE] cooks/ [GROOM] eats
[GROOM] drinks/ [BRIDE] drives
[GROOM] makes a mess/ [BRIDE] clears it up.

….what a great team

As best man my other duty today was looking after the wedding rings….I was a little concerned earlier about handing the ring over for [BRIDE], for fear of her ever taking it off and putting it in her jewellery box, which I know has, on at least one occasion, after a particularly heavy night out, served as a useful container for [GROOM] to vomit in.

My advice to [GROOM] is that the key to a happy marriage is to remember to use those three little words….”You're right dear”.

Seriously though [GROOM], the whole family is very proud of you, you have met and married someone very special and I think that you and [BRIDE] make a perfect couple. On a personal note, [BRIDE] has been a great friend to me over the last four and a half years and I'm delighted to have gained such a wonderful sister-in- law. As for [GROOM], well it's impossible to summarise the 29 years I've known him in a five-minute speech. What I would like to say is that over the years he has been the best anyone could hope for in a brother and the most supportive of friends. I'd like to offer them both the traditional Best man's wish of Good Luck Good Health, and Much Happiness.

I'd also like to wish them both a fantastic honeymoon which I am told is the time between ‘I DO’ and ‘YOU'D BETTER’

I now have some telegrams to read:

Finally on behalf of the bride and groom I'd like to thank you all for sharing their day and though its been said before, I invite you all to stand once more and raise your glasses in a toast to [GROOM] and [BRIDE], may they have a long happy and fruitful marriage….[GROOM] and [BRIDE].