Speech by Martin Shipp

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Martin Shipp
Speech Date: 01/06/2012 16:13:42

Hello everyone Thanks to Steveo for starting to make Tim feel uncomfortable…. Thanks to John and Tim for your speeches..John isn't it funny how history repeats itself… i mean just think 25 years ago you were there sending Vicky to bed with a dummy and here you are today doing exactly the same thing! 

For those of who don't know me, my name is Shippo, which is a nickname, my real name is Shippowouldyoulikadrink? if you do see me later on i must insist you use my full name. i'm gonna need you to after this! 

I would just like to echo Steveo's sentiments. i think we all agree that the bridesmaids look absolutely fantastic, and you have all completed your main job superbly, which was getting Vicky here on time… this was no mean feat as i understand she put up quite a struggle… the bridesmaids have been eclipsed only by Vicky herself who looks one in a million. Tim on the other hand looks like he was won in a raffle.

Now as best men, that means it was OUR responsibility to ensure he got to the venue on time this afternoon, looking smart, and handsome.

well getting him here was straightforward enough – we had sat nav; the second was pretty much taken care of by the suit hire company, and the last, handsome? We're best men not genies! 

For me and Tim it all started about 7.5 years ago when we were both playing for Knutsford A team. Our first date was an arsenal vs. Liverpool game in November 2004, where we had a nice romantic pint or 5 over the game. Liverpool won, but that didn't dampen our friendship in the slightest. Tim introduced me to all his friends and I am pleased to say I now count these as my friends too…

In that time Tim met Vicky, who is a perfect match for Tim and they make a fantastic couple and are great fun on nights out and nights in. the Jaeger bombs are never far away too! Vicky is definitely someone to keep Tim on the straight and narrow, well most of the time! 

needless to say, when it came to writing this speech, it wasn't so much about getting stories from everyone and throwing away some of the dull ones, it was omitting the ones that weren't fit for broadcast! if you want to hear some of these you will need to use my FULL name at the bar later!

One of my favourite memories of Tim was a trip we had to Newcastle a few years back. 

Picture the scene – we were in a Yates’ bar in the middle of town, and it was Tim's round, so off Tim went.. a few minutes later we were discussing where Tim was with a  couple of the lads… Tim had appeared at a drinking competition on the stage to see how quick punters could drink two pints…part of the appeal of this competition to the locals was that the drinks were FREE if you attempted to drink them as quickly as possible. Tim turned up to the competition with his own drinks. well one was his, one was mine!

16.8 seconds later, both pints were gone. Tim had downed them. everyone cheered… apart from Tim who passed out and proceeded to fall backwards into the crowd below… to everyone's amusement. we rushed to his rescue, to see Tim staring straight up at the ceiling. Tim recovered ran out of the fire exit and i saw my pint once again in reverse along with his… after a few minutes off stumbling around a churchyard Tim had gathered his thoughts and guts to go back into the pub to accept the plaudits of winning the drinking competition… only to have his glory dashed. someone had drunk two pints in 13.5 seconds… Still that's geordie lasses for ya!

Just to let you know that yes, all of the stories revolve around drinking…

The other memorable story involving Tim was a certain Trip to Riga in Latvia. in hindsight, not the best place to take Tim. 

Tim managed to find some local criminals who proceeded to clone his credit card find out his pin and wipe out his whole bank account of two and a half grand… in one night… Tim assures me that it wasn't him on one hell of a bender… are you still sticking to that story Tim? 

and also, after one or two too many drinks, Tim did manage to get beaten up, not by the local criminals in Riga but by a cardboard cut out of Dale Winton that was in the foyer of one the poshest hotels in Riga and smash his face on the floor in the process…not your finest hour Tim…

two actions that earned him the name Mad Tim from some of my pals… to be fair it only took them a day to find that out… Spend a day with Tim and you will come to the same conclusion I promise you…

Spend a day with Tim, you think he has a screw loose, now what happens if you spend your whole life with him?

Well as it's Olympic year, we would like to recognise some of the achievements those closest to Tim have made with bronze, silver and Gold awards putting up with his mood swings, temper tantrums, vanity, his diet, his work schedule and generally chaotic, erratic behaviour. These awards are what we have called The Timmys… 

So, in bronze medal position we have two people that have had to go to the same school as Tim, watch his friends streak down spinney lane naked and generally worry about what he is going to do next, and get text messages from Tim in Dusseldorf trying to nick a moped at 4.30 in the morning, but on the positive side you always look angelic as a result being compared to Tim… it is of course, Tim's sisters, Anne Lou and Ellie…

In Silver medal position, we also have two people, who have done the same as Anne Lou and Ellie but have had to bail Tim out of all of the pickles he has got himself in, pick up the pieces where no one else would and continue to support him, although perhaps with a couple of extra expletives along the way! It is Tim's Mum and Dad, Liz and Rob… 

Now in Gold medal position and the winner of the Timmy award is a person that loves him, despite knowing all of these things, and wants to spend her whole life with him. Liz, Rob, Anne Lou and Ellie have lived with Tim for 20 or so years each… whereas the winner of this award is looking to better this figure on her own. a truly commendable effort and one deserved of the Gold medal! She is the newest Nelson on the block, Vicky Nelson.

Now joking aside

Tim, as well as being superb fun over the years, I can honestly say you are one of the best guys I have ever had the pleasure of knowing and I can't tell you how happy it makes me that you chose me to be one of your best men today and also that you've made it this far alive without serious injury. 

Being married myself, I do have a bit of advice for you… 

But you will be glad to know that a successful marriage can be compared to football. So here we go then…

Ensure you are fully committed every week Try your best to score every Saturday Don't put your tackle in too hard as you might get injured…

And No tackling from behind.… especially on your wedding night!

Tim, today you have gained a loving, caring, affectionate wife in Vicky and Vicky you've gained….… well a beautiful new dress and a lovely new ring.………….… but a husband who will always look after you.

Toast

So then, Ladies and Gentleman, it gives me immense pleasure, to invite you all to be upstanding and raise your glasses in a toast to Tim and Vicky, we wish them well for the future, and may they enjoy a long and happy marriage.

I give you the new “Mr and Mrs Nelson”.