Speech by Martin Stanton

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Martin Stanton
Speech Date: oct 2003
I'd like to start by thanking on behalf of the bride and groom, the
bridesmaids Dawn, Sarah, Nicola, Kayleigh and Mellissa, for all their help and I'd just like to say how absolutley beautiful they all look only
surpassed by you Emma, and even Neil has scrubbed up well.
And not leaving anyone out, to the ushers, Neil, James, Mark and Karlos, for their help in making sure everything ran smoothly today; Driscoll, in
particular, for helping me in the organisation of Neils's stag weekend,
which I'm sure the boys agree, was a top class weekend.

I hope you all understand that I'm a bit nervous today, and I could do with a bit of dutch courage, but theres plenty of time for that later though. So when Neil asked me to be his Best Man, I was a bit worried, I still am to be honest; what am I going to say? What can I talk about? Fortunately Neil reassured me and said that if I do a good job today, I can be the best man at his next wedding too.

Honestly though, unlike most traditional best man speeches, which are full of sexual innuendo, I've promised Neil & Emma that if theres anything a little risqué, I'll whip it out immediately.

(I always knew it was going to be difficult to follow a speech by my brother Neil, and I was right I couldn't follow a bloody word of it.) Seriously though, I've looked up to Neil for almost 25 years now, and we've looked out for each other during those years and not only are we brothers, but we are best mates too and we have had some good times together, and will have plenty more.

But before the party gets in to full swing, I'm sorry Neil but I've got to tell everyone about your bit on the side. I think the time is right. Shes good to him mind, she knows the way to mans heart, he's been going down there quite often now, a fair few times a week, sometimes more than twice on the weekend. So I thought its about time this little secret has to stop, now that you're a married man.
Neil, you have got to stop seeing that Miss Millies of yours, its not going to work out OK?

Since Neil's early years, he has always been intrested in cars, and I mean from a VERY early age, and when he was two years old he decided to take his intrest further. While still living down Llantwit Fardre, Mum parked the car and popped into the local shops, leaving Neil strapped in his seat on his own. But Neil saw his chance and decided to have a go at driving Dads car.
He got himself out of his seat and climbed into the front of the car
releasing the handbrake in the process and then proceeded to steer the car down the hill and crash it into a lampost, writing off Dads Blue Ford
Escort.
16 years later, Dad had another Blue Ford Escort, – some of you can see
where this is going can't you. Well, you would've thought Dad would have
learned that Neil and Blue Ford Escorts don't mix. But no, Neil was behind the wheel once again, this time legally, but sadly it was the same outcome.
He managed to write of that one too didn't you Neil, but not content with
crashing into a lamp post, he went one better, and crashed in to an off duty copper instead. So if any of you drive a Blue Ford Escort or if you get one in the future, don't let Neil anywhere near it, either they don't like him, or he doesn't like them.

Talking about accidents though, throughout his life Neil has been rather
accident prone, forever falling over and injuring himself and more often
than not requiring medical attention. (pause) Actually, just before the
ceremony this morning I had a few worried people ask me where Neil the groom is as they didn't recognise who this other fella was up at the front of the church, and to be honest there was something missing that was putting a few people off, so, (hand him a Sling or Plaster). There you go that's better, it is Neil after all!! I hardly recocnise him without a sling or plaster on some part of his body.
He's been hit by climbing frames, catapulted over the handlebars of his
bike, of other peoples bikes (MARK will vouch for that one), injured in
Rugby, he's fallen upstairs downstairs, and not forgetting (my favourite), getting a blackeye while walking into a rake! You name it, Neils broken it, hes been down the emergency ward so many times that hes got his own seat in the waiting room, and his own parking space too.
Just gald to see, Neil, that you are fighting fit for your special day,
well, maybe fit is the wrong word but you know what I mean.

Present the cards etc,
Before I finish off, no doubt to the relief of all, I heard a small joke
the other day that really bought home the true meaning of married bliss:
‘A father and his young lad are walking through the chemists and the boy
picks up a packet of condoms and asks "Dad, Dad,what are these" and the
father tells him.
Then the boy asks "But Dad, why do they come in packs of 3, 6 and 12".
His father replies, "the packs of 3 are for teenage boys, they use one on
the Friday night, one on the Saturday night and one on the Sunday. The
packs of 6 are for lads in their 20s-they'll use 2 on the Friday night, 2 on the
Saturday night and 2 again on the Sunday night. The packs of 12 are for
married men, they use one in January, one in February…’
Seriously though, on behalf of the Bride and Groom, I'd like to thank
everyone here for sharing their special day, and I'd like to thank Neil
and Emma personally for choosing me as best man today. It's been an honour.
Ladies and Gentlemen it gives me great pleasure, ..not to mention
relief….to invite you all to charge your glasses, be upstanding, and
join me in a toast…….to Mr and Mrs Stanton, the bride and groom.

End.