Speech by Martin Ulley

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Martin Ulley
Speech Date: Aug 2001
OPENING & CHEAP ONE LINERS

Good afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen. For those of you that don't know me, my name is Martin. I'm sure you'll all agree it's been a fantastic day so far, but every silver lining has a cloud and you now have to listen to me.
On behalf of the bridesmaids, I would like to thank Liam for his kind words, and I have to say they look absolutely wonderful and have done an excellent job today.
A must say what a wonderful day it has been so far, Sally, can I just say you look absolutely stunning! And Liam, well, you just look absolutely stunned
Sally you look one in a million and Liam well you look like you were won in raffle!
I'm only going to speak for a couple of minutes because of my throat – If I go on to long Sally has threatened to cut it!!
I looked in one of the guides you get about being a best man, and it had a checklist of things to do. Apparently, before the groom went down the aisle I should have:
§ Helped him dress – he should really be able to do that himself by now.
§ Made sure he used the toilet – I sent him in there, but I wasn't going to make sure.
§ Made sure his face and hair were OK – well I ask you, if God couldn't, what hope did I have?
§ Made sure there was nothing between his teeth – or was that his ears?
§ Made sure his flies were done up – that was when I gave up.
Marriage is a wonderful thing, and Liam you are indeed a lucky man. You've married Sally, who is beautiful, clever and loving and deserves a good husband – but you got her first.
I would like to say a few words about Sally—but I dare'nt. So instead I'll stick to Liam
Liam and I have been through a whole lot together, but thankfully, none of them are here tonight.
Liam was born on the 25th April 1975. It's fair to say he wasn't a pretty baby. In fact, his Mum suffered badly from morning sickness – after he was born.
SHOW PHOTO 1 Liam aged 18 months looking like Orville
As he was growing up he didn't have many friends, so his parents tied a bone around his neck so at least the dogs would play with him.
By the time he had reached school age he was beginning to grow into the Liam that we all recognise today.
Unfortunately, or fortunately, whichever way you look at it, I didn't know Liam at school, so I have had to rely on a few of his old school reports, and one that his mum showed me whilst I was doing some research for this speech clearly stated that Liam was an ideal pupil, who excelled in most subjects.; – sorry, I mis-read that , it actually says that Mark was an IDLE pupil who was EXPELLED from most subjects….and looked like Rick Astley.
SHOW PHOTO 2
I first met Liam in the autumn of 93, Liam an aspirational management trainee and me a YTS. I was 17 years old and am proud to say Liam took me to my first ever nightclub Roxy's and the next day took me to my first ever clinic, for crabs.
We soon became locals at the Yorkshire Grey Public house and to save time soon had our wages paid straight behind the bar.
On a serious note for two seconds, Liam, you have been an excellent mate over the years, and it has been an honour to be your Best Man.
OUR TUNE
Anyone that Knows Liam and Sally knows what a strong couple they really are. Almost as though nothing could ever come between them, but things weren't always this way…
AFTER ASKING IF ANYONE HAS ANY SUTIBLE MUSIC TOM (Liam's Brother) [PRODUCES A STEREO AND THE MUSIC FROM SIMON BATES OUR TUNE STARTS
Liam first met Sally in the exclusive drinking house of ‘Berlins’ back in 1994, they had it off straight away…sorry HIT it off straight away.
Over the next year they fell in love, and moved in their first house, a little love nest in the centre of Sheffield.
Sally a beautiful, Young, lady with intelligence and prospects and Liam…
As time went by the Pair became invincible like;
Romeo & Juliet
Posh & Becks
Mork & Mindy
Until that day…
Sally had just arrived home after enjoying a peaceful day at work; the usual 200 three year olds sat quietly discussing the issues of the day.
But nothing was to prepare her for what she was about to see.
You see Liam had done a terrible thing….had a perm
SHOW PHOTO
The coming months were hard, the big girls blouse tried to justify, what he'd done by saying it would grow out in no time, However things went from bad to worse as he grew a goatee he now looked like a cross between Jesus Christ and Michael Bolton.
SHOW PHOTO 4 Liam aged 22
A truly awful time for Sally but it just shows you what true love can do, I'm sure you'll agree Liam's hair is much more acceptable now
While we are on the subject on photo's, The whole time I've known Liam, he's always been probably the straightest guy I know, I not once have I ever doubted this mans sexuality, until I saw this.
SHOW PHOTO 5
(Liam aged 7 wearing pyjama's looking very camp)
CLOSE
I must confess I HAVE spent the last few months talking to many different women……purely for research purposes of course.
Incidentally, for those who don't know, I'm not actually married myself. I just look this way because I've been ill recently.
Anyway I was trying to find out what Liam should know to make his marriage be long and successful. So Liam, here are some tips…
1) Never go to bed on an argument- stay up and fight
2) Always remember whose boss, And never answer her back
4) And when finally, one day, you do hear the pitter-patter of a tiny McCann – Sally, please do me a favour and let him know that all newborn babies are wrinkled… and tell him before he tries to iron the poor little beggar.
…But from those unable to make it here today I do have a couple of messages I'd like to share…
My Darling Sally, we could have been so good together, call me if he goes off the boil, love Robbie Williams xxx
My Darling Liam, we could have been so good together, call me if she goes off the boil, love Robbie Williams xxx
Liam, good luck, and feel free to pop round anytime, and thanks for all the business Chubby's Kebab Shop,
Hope all goes well on the night, and if you need any tips then give me a call on 0898 696969 – love, Hotlips!

Ladies and Gentlemen, there are two very important people here today, they both mean a great deal to us all, and we couldn't do without them, at some stage this evening we will all be with them, sharing this special day.
Ladies and Gentlemen please raise your glasses to….The Bar Staff.
In all seriousness though, my final words are to you Liam and Sally. I am very proud to be best man here today and I'm so pleased that Liam has found such a wonderful and loving wife. I have no doubt that your love will be modern enough to survive the times and old fashioned enough to last forever. This wedding is a testament to the love that they share, as Liam and Sally start their new life; let's toast the new husband and wife! Ladies and gentlemen, please be upstanding for Mr and Mrs McCann – Liam and Sally.