Speech by Martin Whitehead

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Martin Whitehead
Speech Date: nov 2002
Best Man Speech for Simon, at his wedding with Sam. Clearwater Castle Nov. 14th 2002

1972. The year of the Watergate scandal, the Munich Olympics and the miners strike.
Those of you that were old enough could have seen “The Godfather” at the cinema, and if you were cool enough you should have seen Ziggy Stardust in concert.
Most of us weren't old enough or cool enough and probably contented ourselves with watching Geoffrey, George, Bungle and Zippy present rainbow for the first time.
Ian and Roland would have undoubtedly been out popping wheelies on their Raleigh Choppers, trying to impress girls that were more interested in hearing Donny Osmond sing Puppy Love. And for me, 1972 was the year when I first met my brother.

So, who was he, this little monster that was going to steal my toys and scribble in my Mister Men books? Well, by all accounts he wasn't a monster at all. To use Mums’ words, he was “fat and contented, a little angel”.

Although my first memories of my brother are of a skinny little blonde kid, with scabby knees and a grubby face, permanently ankle deep in mud, or with his face down in the grass looking for some little bug for his latest collection. Lets face it, we all collected something, whether it was tadpoles in a jar, or grasshoppers in a shoe box. But Simon had his own, unique way of collecting things. Now, there's a well known story in our family of the time that mum called Simon in for his bath at the end of one of these long grubby days. Off came Simons grubby little T-shirt, down came Simons little shorts, down came Simons little pants and out popped Simons……… worm collection! This skinny little blonde kid collected worms in his pants.

Yuuch.… Could there be anything more disgusting than that?

Well actually yes, there is something FAR more disgusting than that..… (show Simon the sock) something that takes place 2½ decades later when the hero of the day, the man of the hour, is out on the town with his mates. Answering the call of nature, he finds himself a cubicle and his horrified to find that there's no toilet paper! So what does he do?… Ever the boy scout, he removes his sock and………….I can see you're all enjoying your meals, so I'll spare you the details, but suffice to say that now I know why my brothers feet are so smelly!

My brother, Sam's husband, your friend or colleague, we all have our own special unique relationship to Simon.

How many of you here today work with Simon?
You all know the sharp suited businessman with the gift of the gab, the man able to sell a Big Mac to a vegan. It's a gift he's always had. I remember that as a young boy, he could go out to school in the morning with a bag of toffees and come home in the evening having swapped them for a bike. But it wasn't always sales that he was aiming for. As a small child Simon was interested in joining the services. Indeed, by the age of five, he had been awarded his own helmet by Swindon fire brigade, and by the age of sixteen he'd been interviewed so many times by the local police that we really were surprised that they didn't employ him! The sudden change of career direction could have been due to one particular evening when Simon was stopped for speeding. The very polite officer asked Simon in his very polite manner where he was off to in such a hurry, and Simon politely answered the policeman that “actually officer, I'm off to your place to **** your wife!”.

He's quick, my brother. Talking of which, is there anyone that's played sports with Simon?
So you know the lean athlete, the man of prowess and stamina. But what you don't know is that he's got me to thank for his sporting achievements. It was me (and my schoolmates) that gave Simon the incentive to start running. The incentive being that if he didn't run fast enough then he'd get turned upside down in the paper bins, or hung by the hood of his duffle in the cloakroom.

Although, stamina and prowess aren't qualities that you could name for all areas of Simons life. If there are any drinking buddies here tonight, then they'll certainly know what I mean.
Simons drinking “career” started at the tender age of twelve. It was at a Halloween party and Simon, dressed as a vampire, lurked in the shadows, darting out only to drain the dregs of peoples drinks, until eventually he turned bright green (and if you enjoy the thought of Simon turning green from alcohol, then stay tuned, you're in for a treat). Although for Simon, what was even more humiliating than his inability to handle the drink, was the fact that he was neither sober enough, nor big enough, to resist his first close encounter of the female kind. And when I said Halloween party, well, this girl was a monster!

Who knows Simon the adventurer? No, it's not something you'd usually associate with Simon. Lets face it, this was the guy that, once he finally moved out of home, was seen lurking around at the end of Crombey street until mum left the house and then he moved back in again. But seriously, Simon has travelled further than that… Some of you will know that for the last seven years, I've been living in Sweden, and Simon has been over to visit on a few occasions. Most memorable was his first visit to us…

Simon understands the importance of first impressions, and was determined to fit in with the natives. But imagine our surprise when we went to meet him at the airport, and out steps a blonde-haired, blue-eyed Viking… in a huge, horned, helmet. Now Simon is bound to deny this, but they say that the camera never lies,… and here's the proof (picture: Simon in helmet)
For those of you that want a closer look, I'll be showing more pictures of Simons helmet in the bar later.

Seriously though, Simon's made a lot of friends in Sweden and they send their congratulations. The Erikssons especially send their congratulations to you both and would like to share with the guests here today a spectacle that they have witnessed a few times, namely that I share a toast with my brother in the traditional Swedish spirit, with Swedish spirit (bring on the snaps…). Now's the moment that you get to see Simon go green.… Skål!

Simon the businessman, sportsman, drinker, adventurer.… And now finally we come to someone new… Simon the married man.

Sam, I know that we haven't had the chance to get to know each other, but it's something that I'm looking forward to immensely. I respect and admire you for the fact that you have picked up the gauntlet and chosen to civilise the uncivilised.

So, without further ado, ladies and gentlemen, I'd like you to charge your glasses, stand and join with me in a toast: To Sam, for accepting the challenge, and to my brother, the skinny little blonde kid with the grubby knees and worms in his pants.

The bride and groom.

This speech was rather effective considering the professional nature of the grooms Job!!