Speech by Marvin Nash

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Marvin Nash
Speech Date: Nov 2001
In The Beginning

That's not the first time today I've risen from a warm seat with a piece of paper in my hand….but we won't go into that.

Before I start, I believe someone is running a sweep on the length of my speech…could you please put me down for 16 Minutes 35 Seconds.

Good afternoon Ladies and Gentlemen , and welcome to the wedding celebrations of Simon & Simone

Firstly, if I can just pass on a Health and Safety message from The Worsley Marriott Country Club Hotel, if you can refrain please, from getting on the chairs and tables during my standing ovation, it would be appreciated.

Oohhhh……….… I've not been this excited since I accidentally got locked in an Off licence!

I went to a wedding ….Ohhhh about two months ago now ..… God it was rough …..we'd only just started the meal and a food fight kicked off , there was Fruit Salad absolutely everywhere ……… don't laugh…….(pause)…… that was just for ‘ Starters ‘ !

Simon & Simone have asked me to relay their thanks for the wonderful gifts that have been bestowed on them today .
…..They have said that if I do a good job today ,I've got firssy dabs on Auntie Maureen's gift of a the Sandwich Toaster !……………………………..Seriously though , thank you very much for your wonderful presents.

When Simon first asked me to be his best man I said ‘ I don't really want to do it because I'd be nervous & embarrassed ‘ , So he then offered me Twenty quid and I said ‘ Simon my good man …… I'm a man of dignity …… I can't be bought ‘ , Then he offered fifty quid………………….…
Anyway………..… my name is Russell and I'm Simons Best Man for the day !
I'm only joking ,… Actually ……..… me and Si's other friend drew straws..… but just because I'm stood here don't for one minute think I was the winner.

Like I said, I really was nervous about making a speech today, so I prepared a few lines – and having snorted them, I feel absolutely fine!!

There are of course,.… important matters to be taken into consideration when planning for a wedding……………….… for example,…..… should a couple travelling upon the road to marriage be Frank and Earnest….,……………… or should one of them perhaps be a woman!

I know on these occasions it is customary to stitch….er… I mean relay a few tales of the Grooms Salad days and of Simons exploits during these Wilderness years…… and at this juncture I would also like to point out that I did indeed receive a few appeals for Clemency from this very table……
I would like respond to those requests with a little old ‘O'Neill’ saying that I believe is quite apt in these situations and it goes ………….Ohh what was it ( Ponder your chin with drumming fingers ) Ohh yeah that's is ! “Not on your Nelly – S.J.!!! ”

Yes , Ladies and Gentleman … Here is a man who used to put the letters Bsc. after his name , ….What he didn't tell anyone is that they actually stood for Bronze Swimming Certificate !!!!!!!

I wouldn't be too far of the mark to say that I could shovel more dirt on the gentleman seated to my left / right than a Taliban Cave digger.
Actually , Tony Blair has just released a statement from Downing Street in response to claims from the Conservatives that we are being totally brainwashed by the Americans ……… He apparently said ( Looking carefully at the paper ) “ That's a Cotton-Picking- Barrel of Hogwash ”…..Well that's cleared that one up then.…

Now……., Ladies and Gentlemen, I must confess I've never been married myself, although , I do think I may have some idea of what it must be like……… I tried to leave a book club once !

The time has now come for me to give you a little insight into the life of Simon J. Sweeney..…
Are you sitting comfortably ?………..Yeah ?…………………..Then we shall begin…………………….…

Dirt

The condemned man ate a hearty breakfast , but alas we were unable to comply with his last request as a single man due to objections from the R.S.P.C.A…………….Bloody do-gooders !

People used to think he was very shy…….they used to come up to us and say “What's up .… is he not a very good mixer ”, We used to reply , “ Not a very good mixer ? , He's like a Kenwood Chef once he gets going !”, ……yeah……………………..a couple of Shandies down him and he becomes a new man…..And I have to report there have been numerous occasions when Simons alcohol fuelled antics have seen the Crown Prosecutions Service's coffers swelled by a couple of quid…….…

In the year of our lord 1989 a small consortium of drinking chums from The King William public house ventured overseas to the sunny climbs of the Spanish resort of Benidorm which is …..… if you've never been is a quaint quiet little coastal backwater………….…
Anyway on the Second day there……………………….… a bit of an altercation occurred between the lads and the bouncers of a local hostelry………..…
To which end my esteemed college here ended up in Hospital with a gaping head wound requiring umpteen stitches.., he also had in his possession , two massive black eyes and split lips that looked like haemorrhaging doughnuts.
What…, pray do tell ,….… I hear you ask caused such an outbreak of unbridled anarchy ………..…
Was One of our number chatting up the Girlfriend of the Chief Bouncer ?
Was Simons dancing causing riotous laughter amongst the locals? ( and for those who have ever been unfortunate enough to witness Simon dancing , I use the word as loosely as humanly possible )
Was the Bar owner a mite peeved that Simon kept hassling the D.J. to play .… and I quote “ Anything by Bros. ”
No…, dear friends it was none of these.
The reason S. J . Sweeney here received ‘ One-hell-of-a-beating ‘ ( In the style of that famous delivery from a Norwegian football commentator ), was quite simply because he and his entourage wouldn't pay for their ‘Crisps’ !, Yes…….… the lads hadn't realised the bowls of Crisp on the bar were actually supposed to be paid for… , and our lot unknowingly scoffed the bar dry of all the savoury Tit-Bits on offer.
Aye……we can laugh now………..Well………actually.… we could laugh then !……… seeing as it wasn't us getting a crack !
But seriously, he spent four days in a Spanish Hospital , where he was unbelievably placed into the wrong ward…………It was the Premature Ejaculation unit…..Apparently it was touch and go at one stage.
But he had Company ,….We visited him everyday just after Happy Hour ,….He re-found his love of digesting Classic novels such as ‘The Black Stump’, A thrilling publication if ever there was one.
Yeah….Happy Days…
You probably all know that Simon excels at Sports, …………..why..,.. he's great at golf , good at snooker , pool , darts ,…….but the sport which he loves most is football , ………….so it does seem rather a cruel twist of fate that he was ( and lets be fair here ) blessed with all the finesse and grace of Stephen Hawking with the vision of Stevie Wonder !
Yes …..… he once turned up for a friendly game of footie , and from his middle up he looked the part , but his lower body ( Oh my god ) he was minus any shinpads and sporting pale blue ankle socks , We didn't know whether to play him or rent his legs out as a Putters to the Pitch & Putt next door.
The oppositions supporters even took the mickey ……Continually chanting ‘Hughesy’… ‘Hughsey’ form the touch-line.

In 1990 , Simon and eleven of his mates went to the Greek island of Rhodes for our annual two week summer jolly up , and to give you a little insight of how light this man travels , I will now read out the complete contents of Simons Case on the day of arrival –
Now,..… bear in mind we were there for Two weeks….…

1 pair of High-thigh Speedo trunks.
2 pair of Shorts ………………1 pair Man United………….1 pair Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
Three String vests.
1 Handkerchief……………….Knotted for his head.
1 Bros. T-Shirt.
1 Pair of Adidas Gazelle Trainers.
1 Small tin of beans & Sausages.
1 Small tin of Spaghetti Hoops.
2 Pot Noodles…………………1 Spicy Curry …………………1 Chicken & Mushroom.
1 Kettle element …………….For warming water for the Pot Noodles.
1 Small box Indigestion Tablets.
10 Boxes of Alka-Seltzer.
3 Pair of Y-Fronts ………..1 for the first week …..1 for the second week & …….… 1 in case he got lucky.
Suffice to say …………..… He came home with a clean pair …………….…

We were worried sick the first week because he hadn't eaten anything , We eventually frog marched him down to a cafe on the Fourth day for a full English breakfast.
When it came, the waitress placed his plate so it overhung the table about three inches……On this part of the Plate sat the Biggest , Fattest , Juiciest looking Sausage you'd ever laid eyes on…….… By now Simon was drooling , fully grateful of his chums actions in bringing him to this establishment although you could tell he was still feeling a bit sore from the rope burns . He reached for his fork and plunged it into the soft smooth skin of this Giant beast ………………… the plate flipped into his lap scalding his tackle and upper legs ……..… Oh how we laughed …….… when we got back to the hotel the scruffy sod washed all his clothes in the swimming pool while he was still wearing them ……that was his only bath the holiday as well !

I think , if you asked Si's mates to pick one incident that they would recall with most fondness , it would undoubtedly be a story that Steven Spielberg is still trying to buy the film rights for ,……..… Titled “ A.W.O.L. IN BLACKPOOL”, it's even been suggested that the part of Si should be played by Brad Pitt , no , no that's not right ( Squinting at the paper ) sorry , it says ….… played by a …….… Pit Pony !
Anyway .… After a long night consuming the various delights of the Golden Mile , Three of the lads were missing presumed joined at the lips with some poor unfortunate girls who had fallen for the age old “ Yes , I'm a pilot – me love ” old chestnut , One was enjoying Her majesties hospitality in the local Nick , four had sensibly retired for the evening and the Two others including Simon here , decided to stay up all night drinking.
In the morning when most of the lads had gone down stairs for their Weetabix , we could hear a vague argument taking place in the public bar about who is greatest Rock Star that's ever lived , two of the lads were sticking with Bruce Springsteen , while Simon was steadfast in his support for Des O'Conner.
Anyway , on further investigation , we stuck our heads round the door to see three dribbling wrecks that hadn't slept a wink all night , One of the lads was relatively coherent , One had only three hours since been released from ‘The Clink’ because the Coppers couldn't get the Ginger Tom-Cat to press charges , and so was on a Catch-up mission…..And the other one was Simon …..Who .., and lets be fair was absolutely gone.
The next half an hour was filled with Simon throwing Air punches at all his mates ….usually followed with the line ‘ I'm hard me !’.
When we eventually overpowered him , we locked him in one the cars while we took a brief stroll on the North Pier to clear our heads before we ventured on the journey home.
After about twenty minutes one of the lads said they would go and check on Si , Only to return to us about thirty seconds later screaming ‘ The Sween's escaped ‘ !!!!!!!!!
We all legged it back to the car where the door was wide open …….… We knew he must have been in a terrible state due to the vision of Horror that lay on the back seat ……………………….He'd forgot his Cigs ! .
We scanned the surrounding area to no avail….., We rushed to the seafront Binoculars and swept the horizon looking for our missing chum …., We went to the Central Police Station to see if he'd been handed in , Only for the lad who'd just got out of there to leg it the opposite direction screaming something along the lines of “ There'll never take me Alive ! ”,…………….… nearly leaving us with Two missing persons !!!
We went to Blackpool Royal Hospital hoping against all hopes that he wasn't in traction .… Happily for HIM he wasn't , ……..… We searched every Nook and Cranny in Blackpool for Five hours and we'd simply run out of ideas , So , sadly the collective decision was made to return home minus one of our Party.
On returning to Greater Manchester at approximately five O'clock we headed for Si's house in the feint hope that he'd somehow made it home.
On arrival at the Sweeney household on Gilda Road , the house was in complete darkness…., the front door was wide open ( You'd think he'd been born in a field this lad wouldn't you ? ) , We stepped inside and heard the distant chatter of a Television from upstairs …… We all rushed into the bedroom where ‘This Spanner’ was curled up and sleeping like a New Born ……, We then quietly stepped outside his room onto the landing , taking care not to alert him to our presence ……………………Where we then drew straws to see who would get to Punch him first !!!!!!……..…

Now , .… I could quite easily stand here all day and Grass …….er… share these in-depth recollections with you all, but these following tales of woe are just a few that due to the laws of common decency and considering we've all just eaten , will only touch on.

The Unfortunate incident with the Union Jack shorts in Acapulco.

The Unfortunate incident with Pair of Chino's in ‘The Palace’ Night-club in Blackpool.

The Unfortunate incident with the Under aged Chicken and the Tin of Spam.

And……The Unfortunate incident with his favourite chat up line in the Brahms & Lizt Public Bar.
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Pause………………………………………………….( Let them think you've finished then start the next batch )

The Unfortunate incident in the Bolton Wanderers Night-club.

The Unfortunate incident in Zig-Zag Night-club on the Island of Rhodes.

The Unfortunate incident with a Bottle of whiskey , a Kitchen chair and a smashed window.

……And The Unfortunate incident with the Industrial size tin of Swarfega and a Whippet named Laddie.
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….…

Pause………………………………………………….( Let them think you've finished then start the next batch )

The Unfortunate incident involving a Converse All-star Training Shoe and a Christmas tree.

The Unfortunate incident involving a Tea towel , a Milk bottle and a Tube of Signal toothpaste.

The Two Unfortunate incidents in Rubens Night-club in Leigh.

And The Unfortunate incident involving Simon , Three mates and Fifteen Cockneys.
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
Pause………………………………………………….( Let them think you've finished then start the next batch )

The Unfortunate incident involving a pair of Wellies, a Highland goat and a length of Washing line.

The Unfortunate incident of a Stable Door, a Skip and his first Bachelor pad.

The Unfortunate incident with an Elvis Presley mirror in a Blackpool B & B.

And Finally……………

The Unfortunate incident involving the trip to the Dentist , a General Anaesthetic & the discovery later that day that for some reason his Underpants were on back-to-front.

Oh ….… I could go on & on & on but for fear of boring you I will end it there…..…
Yes Ladies & gentleman Simon J. Sweeney has seen it , ..… Boy , has he done it ………..… and on most occasions bloody invented it !!!!!!!!!!!!!

Summing up

This is much better than the wedding I was at last month where two Aerials got married. The service was terrible, but the reception was fantastic.

If I may, I'll offer a final piece of advice to each of you……………..…
Firstly to Simone –
Don't forget Simone,….a man is like a tiled floor, lay it right first time and you can spend years walking all over it.
And Secondly to Simon –
And you ( Pointing at Si ) don't forget to utter those 3 little word's as often as possible………."you're right dear".

So Simon, ( Looking at him )……Make sure you take good care of Simone………….She deserves a good husband,………………………………………… but …er…..you should thank God you got to her before she found one.

The Toasts

I would like to ask everybody to charge your glasses and please be upstanding while I offer a couple of toasts ,

Firstly………….The happy couple……….., I'm sure everyone here would like to wish you two ( looking at them ) every happiness now and in the future.… “The Bride and Groom” ……..… “The Bride and Groom”

Secondly………The beautiful bridesmaids , who I'm sure you'll agree look stunning….“The Bridesmaids”
……………………“The Bridesmaids”…………………….Not forgetting “The Ushers”……..… “The Ushers”

Thirdly ……..… I'd like to thank Anne and ………..… and Tom , for who's part in today's events can obviously not be underestimated because if it weren't for them ,…none of us would be here either.
I would also like to say to Si………….that your Dad would be so proud of you.., and so to that end I would like to dedicate this Toast to “Families and Absent friends” ………………………..“Families and Absent friends”.

This final toast goes to Simon ,….and……… the Free Bar he's put on for us all , so raise your glasses once more for………….“S .J.’ s Tab”……………………………………………………………………………………“S .J .’s Tab”.

Cards

Finally………..as tradition dictates …, I will read a couple of cards , I won't read them all……they'll be on a table over there should anyone over ‘Sixty years old’ care to see if Ethel & Albert are still alive or to find out whether Susan has left Phil yet !

Card 1
Card 2
Card 3 I wouldn't do more than Five ,..… people usually don't give a toss.…
Card 4
Card 5

And the final one I'll read out says “ Dear Simon , ……….Me and Little Johnny will see you in Court, you lying son-of-a….” Oops………..… I don't know how that one slipped through!
( Take a blank card and rip it up and place in your pocket once you've delivered the above line. )

Close

Right that's about it from me ..… I hope it's been entertaining , but If you think I could have been a touch better ………, I promise I'll improve my technique for his next one !

Thank you for coming .., Enjoy yourselves …, let your hair down and have a good time…