Speech by Massimo D’Alvito

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Massimo D’Alvito
Speech Date: Jun 2001
Ladies and Gentlemen, and those of neither status. I did warn Brian that by the time I finished my speech he would not regard me as the best man anymore. Although he still insisted I should take up the position to which I am very grateful.

Well, it is said that being asked to be the best man is like being asked to make love to the Queen Mother, it's a great honour but nobody wants to do it. (Pause for laughs)

The trouble however with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it. Actually being a best man is an awesome responsibility, one that I don't take lightly, so I made a few notes, of what I think my duties should be. (Take out a note from pocket and read)

My first duty was to bring the Groom here sober, and on time, & eventually married, which was a complete success.

Bring the check book or credit card for payments the Groom may have forgotten (or in Brian's case was too cheap to pay for)

Help the Groom dress.

See that angry ex-girlfriends are kept at bay- I found out however that most of them were far from angry. They were out having a party.

Ensure that the Groom:-

a) Uses the toilet before walking down the isle.
b) Make sure his shoes are tied.
c) Make sure his face is washed, and hair is combed.

(Look at Brian's head, then say)

Well in Brian's case make sure his face is washed.

d) Make sure nothing is between his teeth.
e) Make sure his trouser fly is up.

Ladies and Gentlemen, let me begin by putting Brian out of his misery.

There are some stories you can tell at a wedding and then there are others that might be interesting but can't really be told.

The ones Brian made up about himself for the reader's letters section of penthouse would be an example. (Pause for laughs)

I won't mention the special name his school girlfriend had for him. (Pause for laughs)

I won't mention what he did that scandalised his neighbours, (Pause for laughs) and whatever he's done with rubber chickens in the past… well, that's his own business. (Pause for laughs)

That's not the aspect of his life I want to talk about today, not among such nice company.

I've known Brian since we were at School, I've known him now for fifteen years. We were in fifth year and it was in a P.E class when we first met. We ended up playing table tennis against each other,

This guy could not stop laughing, I was thinking my God, he's a fruit loop I was expecting men in white uniforms to descend from a van and take him away.

During a game I hit the ping pong ball, it bounced off the table, Brian ran to attempt to catch it, at the same time an old sour faced music teacher was walking past, I bet you can all guess what happened. (Pause) Yes, the ball started bouncing up and down the teacher's skirt and he was going like this (Make a catching movement with hand) with his hand trying to catch it, but being unsuccessful. Since then the music teacher always had a cheesy grin on her face when she saw Brian.

From that day on I thought this guy's got a great sense of humour, nice personality, and will make a really good friend.

I would like to put Brian to the test and see if he's progressed from that day at P.E. (Take out a ping pong ball from pocket and bounce it on the table in front of him and say) Brian, Catch.

Since I've known Brian, he has lived in so many places, he has moved house so many times. It was that bad any time I was going round I would have to meet him before hand to make sure he was still living there. It started to get so complicated, you needed to have a geography degree to understand it.

Brian, is good for a laugh, like the time we were still at school, three or four of us went to the cinema during the day, the cinema was quiet at that time. For no apparent reason he decides to walk to the other side of the cinema, where an old lady was sitting, and started shouting in her ear, the woman nearly had a heart attack, she must have been about eighty.

He has always been a competitive type of person, especially in sports. We used to play badminton a lot at school, he was aggressive in a friendly type of way. The P.E. teacher used to call him Fred Astaire, as it looked like he was dancing, when running to hit the shuttlecock.

Some of you may know that if you go into his flat it's full of CD's, tapes, videos, and now DVD's, he has so many of them that I keep telling him he could open a shop or rent them out to people.

Those of you who have experienced being in a car with him will know that it is like going on a ride at Alton Towers, and probably feel safer.

The last car Brian had was a peugeot, you should have seen the state of this, his driving is bad enough, but this car was a danger hazard. If I was sitting in the passenger's seat, and he'd go round a corner, it felt like my head was sticking out of the window, on his side, and my bum was scraping the road on my side. Put it this way it's a miracle I'm standing here today. Now we know why he got rid of the Peugeot. Brian, please don't treat Fiona like that car, treat her like a new car, go easy for the first 500, and remember to go easy on the throttle, steady on the gears, roll her over gently and she'll last for many years.

Brian, loves his car, that every time we were going out, we would spend most of the time driving around in it. Say, for instance we were going to the cinema, we would end up driving around the whole of Edinburgh before we'd even get there. One time we ended up driving to Glasgow, ( Pause) and this was only for a sandwich.

Brian is always up for an adventure, like the time he, murdo, and I decided to go to the safari park for the day. As we drove through the lions habitat, two of them started chasing the car. Most people would leave and go somewhere else. Not Brian, what does he decide to do? (Pause) Yes, go round again, and what do you think happened? (Pause) Exactly the same thing. I was waiting for my exam results that day, and I thought I would never get home to open them.

As you all know, Brian has a great sense of humour, and if you say something to him he will give you a cocky and smart reply. I will give you an example of what he would say to the hotel room service lady in the morning after the wedding night. Brian will call down to their hotel room service and order breakfast. For himself he'll order one pound of bacon, twelve fried eggs, and two gallons of orange juice. For his new wife he'll order a piece of lettuce and a carrot. The room service lady will of course be puzzled by this request, and ask him whether Mrs Whiteman might want something more substantial, to which Brian will probably reply ‘I'm conducting an experiment to see if she eats like a rabbit as well.’ (Pause for laughs)

The way Brian operates he would probably go on his honeymoon and say that it should be like a table, four bare legs and no drawers, (Pause for laughs) and that the wedding night should be like a good chicken meal, a little breast, a little bit of leg, and a lot of stuffing. (Pause for laughs) He'd think that he should not go on his honeymoon for longer than five days or he'll get a weakend. (weekend) (Pause for laughs)

Behind this demeanour, he is however a gentle and considerate person. So, Fiona you must promise me to be good to Brian, treat him with loving care and affection, or even better treat him like a flower… grab him by the stalk. (Pause for Laughs)

All the years I've known Brian, I can't recall ever having a serious argument with him. Fiona, If you do have an argument with him don't keep him in the doghouse, too often or he might give his bone to the woman next door. (Pause for laughs) Although, Brian I'd like you to remember that a woman has the last word in any argument, anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. (Pause for laughs)

I've got a telegram here for Fiona (Take out paper from pocket and read) “Dear Fiona, I'snt it funny how history repeats itself? Years ago your Mum & Dad were putting you to bed with a dummy and now it's happening all over again.
(Pause for laughs)

All joking aside, Brian you're a great guy and an excellent friend, I'll never forget the favours you've done for me, and the good times we've had, and giving me this opportunity, privilege and honour in standing here today by being your best man.

Fiona you make a beautiful wife, and am very confident that you'll make each other very happy. Let me just say that from my perspective Fiona couldn't be marrying a better man, and Brian couldn't be marrying a better woman, and am extremely happy to have them both as friends.

Before I make the toast, I have a few words of wisdom I'd like to pass on, Brian, the key to a long and happy marriage is to remember those two little words, YES DEAR. (Pause for laughs)

Ladies and Gentlemen, on behalf of the bridesmaids and myself I'd like you all to raise your glasses to toast Mr & Mrs Whiteman, Congratulations we wish you all the very best for the future.

By Massimo D'Alvito