Speech by Mat Johnson

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Mat Johnson
Speech Date: 31/01/2010 23:11:02

Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen.

Before I start I would just like to check that everybody can hear me,  And at the back.

For those of you that don't know me I'm Mat and unfortunately for you I'm the best man. For those of you that do know me, you probably know what's coming, so I'm sorry for that!!

I was honoured when the groom asked me to be his best man. Then panic started to take over and in the build up to today I have been getting quite nervous, so, here's hoping all goes well. If it doesn't, where's Riaz, Riaz stick your hand up please, Riaz here has promised to streak naked if I get stuck so at least you will have some form of entertainment. 

 Now, during my speech there are just 2 points for you to all remember:

1/ The more you laugh the sooner this will be over, otherwise this could be the longest 10 minutes of your life!

2/ Although the grooms name is Richard, I rarely call him by this name and know him better as his nickname Rookie. So tell help me out today and for the purpose of this speech I will refer to Richard here as Rookie.

Firstly, I think everybody will agree that the bridesmaids look beautiful. Can I also add that Robert and Dianne did a brilliant job making sure that Danielle went against her better judgement and showed up today. Joking aside, Danielle, can I just say you look absolutely stunning. Rookie you are a lucky man.

As for him, well I am sorry everybody, I did try my best and despite what my better half constantly tells me in the bedroom, I am not a miracle worker!!!

Whilst preparing this speech I was trying to rack my brains for any funny stories or tales that I could tell to inform Danielle's friends and family about the man that she has married. This proved to be trickier than I first thought as 90% of it is not suitable to be shared here today, and in her own polite way, Danielle has asked me to be nice.

So, then I thought, perhaps I will tell a tale from his stag party in Bratislava, Slovakia, but as we all know what happens on the stag, stays on the stag. Let's just say that all had a good time, alright colin. For anyone that hasn't seen the photos, just ask me at the bar later where I will be happy to show you.

My friend Rookie:

There are several words that I can use to describe the groom, most of which show his character in a positive light, some of which don't, but I won't share those.

He is generally a good chap and words such as loyal, funny, dependable, practical, sporty, honourable, long life playstation buddy and clumsy with a terrible sense of timing are a few that spring to mind. And as the boys over there will have witnessed, he is no pushover, especially when he has a plate of chicken wings in front of him.

Richard Ainsworth Waller was born 4^th August 1981. He shares the same birthday as the late Queen Mother, Louis Armstrong and Barack Obama. All influential and important people of our times, however none of these have had any noticeable effects on HIS character.

We have known each other for about 10 years or so now. One of the first times I met him was when he came along to play footie with myself and the other boys in the Chesham Sunday league for our team Athletico chalfonia. This continued and we soon bonded and became good friends. We spent many a good night out in Watford or London playing the part of each other's wing men, most of the time with poor results which often resulted in us walking back to mine and discussing our missed opportunities over a cup of tea or more often a large brandy.

We also spent and still do, many hours playing the playstaion where we have won several leagues and every cup competition going in probably our favourite game, pro evo soccer and to this day our favourite pastime.

I have experienced many good times with my pal including a trip to Amesterdam, several festivals, a few stag trips away, many a heavy night.

For the last few years and in particular since Rookie has met Danielle, I, as a friend have noticed a positive change in him, much of that, I believe is down to Danielle but I will come onto that shortly.

As I mentioned a few moments ago, whilst preparing this speech I was trying to think of funny stories involving rookie and events that I could us to decimate his character, that said, without humiliating him too much on his big day there was one thing in particular that stuck in my mind. Looking at rookie today, some of you won't realise that he is sporting a rather different look than he used to a few years ago. What I mean by this is his haircut. It used to be what I can only politely describe as a ‘surfer dude’ type haircut. Believe me, I have heard it being called far worse!! It was blonde, shoulder length and even sometimes an undercut shaved in, styled with lemon juice and maybe an alice band for good measure, it wasn't perhaps always up to date with modern trends.

You may be finding it hard to imagine what I am talking about, so without further ado I can show you!!!  (unveil blown up picture of Rookies hair)

Rookie here is aged 21, and looking rather like a chesney Hawkes tribute act or a pullout from smash hits, there are just no words!!! But I am sure you will agree looking at him now there has been a marked improvement.

Now, I am not completely to blame for this as I got his photo from Rookies folks, colin and Hilary who were only too happy to help. After popping round to their home one evening for a cup of tea we were soon looking through several large organised and well packed boxes of photos from Rookies and chris's childhood. I was surprised to learn that this haircut you see here goes back further than I thought…There were several photos of him aged 9 -24, which probably explains why there were all packed away in the loft.

Before I move on I have some special surprises for several of you out there….Would you all please look under the seat of your chairs…including you Danielle. If you find an envelope, please stand up…to clarify for those that don't have one, inside the envelope is a souvenir of this photo much like a pullout for Smash Hits. Now, please bring it to the front where I have a pen and rookie will autograph it for you.

I don't want to kill his confidence anymore on his big day so I had better move on. Now that is out of the way, the reason why I wanted to show this picture, was not just to humiliate him but was to highlight the positive change I have seen in Rookie over the past few years, and I am not just talking about the hair.

Rookie and Danielle met in 2008 and since then he has grown up a lot. He has changed from the young man I know without too many cares in the world to taking on new responsibilities. He has found a new direction and vocation in life. After a lot of hard work and commitment he has recently qualified as a plumber, and I can testify that he does a mean job in sealing the bath. For anyone interested I have his business card in my pocket.

He has now become part of his own wonderful family with three gorgeous girls, I am sure you will agree.

With all this I have noticed how happy he has become, probably the happiest I have seen him. This, I believe is due to Danielle.

So, Danielle, can I just thank you for sorting him out. Rookie, I am proud of you mate.

Right, I think I have gone on long enough now and you all must be starving, so without further ado, please be upstanding and raise your glasses in a toast to Richard and Danielle, the happy couple!!!