Speech by Mat Robson

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Mat Robson
Speech Date: oct 2003
Thank you, Mark, for those kind words about the Bridesmaids and attendants. I'd just like to say on behalf of everyone here, that it has been a pleasure for us to be a small part of your big day. What a charming ceremony it was. Our lovely Bride has always said she wanted a very simple wedding and that's what she got………starting with the Groom.

There's a lot I could say about Mark. Most of this is positive and complimentary and thus totally inappropriate for this speech. And also completely at odds with the speech he did for me last Summer. Members of the top table, I suggest you each now take some deep breaths and hold firmly onto the sides of your chairs. Not you Tony (Father of the Groom), you just keep your hands where I can see them!

I think I'll kick off with one of Mark's vices…..gambling. On the surface he's not too keen. Why so? Well a long time ago, on a ferry to France at the beginning of his Summer holiday, a little boy from Caerleon blew all his holiday money on a fruit machine. And he never quite forgave himself. Mark managed to control and conceal this unrelenting addiction to gambling until one fateful evening at University. Four of us, all present, were playing Poker in the living room of our flat. Mark was hovering around the action, adamant he wouldn't play. But when he saw how easy it might be to win a big, shiny pile of coppers, there was suddenly a glint in his eye, and next thing you know the Caerleon Kid was back, and he entered the fray. A few minutes later Mark believed he had a winning hand and was left in the round facing one other person. He threw all his coppers in straight off, then started on the five pence pieces, this extravagance continued with ten pences, twenties, and pound coins. Not wanting to stop there, he then skipped off down to his room to get a five-pound note (taking his cards with him of course). He strutted back, threw the note in, and was called. With a hungry smirk on his face and beads of sweat hanging off his brow, he turned over his cards to reveal the hand—a pair of nines—and promptly lost to a full house. There was a look of horror on his face, when he realised his lack of self-control and what it had cost him (about eight pound fifty). He stomped off in a huff and didn't come out of his room for the rest of the evening. So Shirley, next week if he suggests you take the road between New York and Florida, stopping off in Atlantic City, you know what to say; otherwise you'd probably end up having to consider an indecent proposal.

That story didn't really say anything about Mark besides his determined nature, so I'd better set the matter straight. He does have many admirable qualities. There's pretty much nothing he wouldn't do for friends or family. He's an easy-going, good-humoured, and big-hearted individual. The army of friends the man has is certainly a testament to his character and organizational skills. These individuals are regularly invited to one of his several houses to witness the Dunk BBQ gene in action. He's great company, especially around six nations time when he likes to hit the town for an all-day beer sipping session. Whether in Cardiff, Northampton, Edinburgh or London, he'll be resplendent in his fifteen-year-old, faded-to-pink, now-skin-tight Welsh shirt; on a one Welshman mission to entertain England and Scotland supporters with his face pulling and excuse making.

Mark's also renowned for his generosity to others and for his quick thinking. An example: we once happened to be in Leicester square at 6am. Mark had just come out of the MacDonalds there, cup of tea in hand, when he was confronted by a withered old tramp. “Give us a sip of your tea mate”, croaked the old boy. In a split second Mark responded….“NO, I've not hand a cup of tea ALL DAY”. Mark used the tramp's momentary bewilderment to make good his escape, scampering off across the square, sloshing tea everywhere.

Mark is a dynamic individual who, seemingly, can turn his hand to anything. In his time: he's been a collector of obscurities (such as soft rock albums and Dr Who books); a computer hacker (at Uni usually just before assignment deadlines—a coincidence?); he's been a hygienist (at Uni halls he gave literally hundreds of students impromptu showers with a bucket of water from six floors up. He was like a big-game hunter, silently hanging out of the window, motionless, for up to thirty minutes at a time waiting for his preferred catch—crowds of at least ten, drunk, and soon disorderly, first-years); he's been a college lecturer; he's a marketing manager; he's become a property market speculator (gambling again?); and lately, an adult movie star—I'm talking about his alter ego, ‘Dunk Diggler’ (put wig and specks on him). On the stag do he got dressed up, following a little bit of peer pressure, and after a couple of cheeky doubles he got straight into character. I shouldn't really say any more. Mark, if the bottom falls out of the Northampton property market, you know you can always rely on the Diggler to balance the books.

Mark's always a lot of fun and every weekend he likes nothing better than a couple of big evenings out! And, he can ‘charm the socks off’ his friends to get them on board for a top night out. Last Winter Mark went to see the ashes. Following a 20 hour flight to Australia, Mark and a friend, Dave, arrived in Melbourne and started to explore the City. Arriving back at their hotel at about 6pm Mark decided that they should get straight out for their first big night on the town. Dave showered first and got changed as Mark had his shower. Since it was Australia, where everyone is laid back Dave went for the jeans and T-shirt option, not thinking anything of it. Imagine Dave's surprise to be confronted by Mark on his return from the shower. Mark looked him up and down once, and said, “You scruffy fool, go and put a shirt on. You're not ruining my evening.”

I've noticed Mark is constantly active and on the move, never sitting still for too long. But this isn't always the case…….You put a plate of food in front of him and he'll happily nibble, pick and gnaw away for hours on end. I've done the maths on Shirley's behalf. If she has to wait an average of 15 minutes per evening meal, 365 days of the year, over the next 60 years, poor Shirley's going to be spending 228 days waiting for him to shut up and finish masticating!! Some advice Shirley, keep him away from buffets. And whatever you do, don't feed him after midnight!!

I can't sign off without mentioning Mark's reputation in cricketing circles. Mark always bats in a white helmet. In one of the 1st nets sessions he attended for his present club, he went into bat sporting his helmet. ‘This guy must be the business’, the team thought, as batsmen usually wear a helmet to get into a better position to hook or pull fast deliveries. Well a good job he put the lid on, because within five minutes he was stretched out on the floor having taken a blow on the head. Not from a fast delivery, but trying to sweep the slowest spin bowler in the club. As he went down on one knee the ball bounced up, very slowly, and clipped him on the chin.

OK he's not the greatest batsman around, but anyway, he's a demon bowler and as team captain sets a high example of sportsmanship. One match Mark was bowling and being knocked around by a particular batsman. At this point, he bowled a ball which pitched at his own feet, and was so slow it bounced five times, totally confusing the batsman who played over the top of it. The ball rolled onto the stumps and only just knocked the bails off. Normally a bowler would apologise to the batsman for getting him out in such a shabby way. Not Mark. He was stood in the middle of the wicket, arms aloft, shouting “GET OUT” “COME ON!!!”.

OK he's not the greatest batsman around, he's an inconsistent bowler, and he's not too magnanimous in victory. But he's a scratch fielder….or at least he would be if he could catch properly!!

Somebody once said, a measure of a woman's love for her man, is the lengths to which she is prepared to go to make him happy. If this holds true, Shirley you have reached that goal. For Mark is the happiest I have ever seen him. At the same time, since they met Shirley has been a very good influence on Mark. For instance he now has books that aren't about cricket, he doesn't now only go for Chicken Madras at the curry house, and he no longer presents house-guests with tiny little bottles of cooking lager. Long may this continue! In my humble opinion, the two of them are great together, and so my final wedding day duty is a real pleasure. On behalf of the Bridesmaids and myself I sincerely wish you, Mark, and your lovely wife, Shirley, everlasting love, health, and happiness.