Speech by Mat Sharples

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Mat Sharples
Speech Date: Mar 2002
OK then, could I have everybody's attention please?
OK, the bar is closing in five minutes. I knew that would work!!

Thank you Steve for those kind words and may I thank you on behalf of the bridesmaids and also add how stunning they look and how they compliment the Bride who, I'm Sure you'll all agree, looks Fantastic.

I did try to memorise this speech but as some of you might know, my memories appalling so I'm going to read it instead! (Pause)

As I'm sure you've noticed I'm quite Shy & Quiet……… I did ask for a microphone but was told one wasn't available so instead I borrowed one of the kids mic's, (Produce: “My First Sony”) But as you can tell it's very similar all my darling Children's lovely toy's and “BROKEN” So you'll all just have to listen closely.

Now where do I begin?…………..… Here will do,

Hello and good afternoon, for those of you who don't know me my name is ‘Mat’ and I am Steve's Best Man. I am very friendly, Reasonably house trained, rarely bite and will be found somewhere near the bar in the not too distant future, so please don't hesitate to come over and buy me a drink.

Now a wise man once told me, a Best Man's speech should only last as long as it takes the groom to make love……………So.… thank you and goodnight (Begin to walk of stage & Pause)
No seriously though,

Steve told me he wasn't nervous about today so I was just wondering Steve, if you could explain why I found this in the toilet at the registry office?
(Pull out brick & Pause)

I've known Steve since we were 17 some 10 yrs ago and it's nice to see his hairstyle hasn't changed. (Pause)

And I was really pleased to be asked to be Steve's Best Man, partly because Steve has always been a very popular lad but mainly because I've been waiting for the chance to rip him to pieces for years (Pause)
It did take us a while to bond though, Mainly because I couldn't understand “Scouse” for the first six months! It also might of helped if he wasn't such a Strange looking lad, I'm not saying he was ugly but his mum told me she used to put a bone round his neck so the dog would play with him. (Pause)

Steve's first word's when he met me were (in Scouse) “Andy, Who's this Woolly-back?” to which I replied “Bloody Scousers” and proceeded to lock my car! (Pause)
From what I can remember, I introduced Steve to Cheshire, Steve's always been a Townie and when he came to visit my house for the first time, he was quite shocked in-fact to find the countryside actually existed. (Pause, (maybe))
He's a quick learner though and I do have a few examples to prove this……….… (Raise eyebrows)

Once the way to mine he suddenly found himself upside down in his car, next to a field.
And from that he learnt: “Never let Andy drive your car!” (Pause and turn page)

Then there was the time I had an episode with a ditch in my car and Steve had his first experience with wandering around a field in the dark.… Steve what were your exact words again? I think it was along the lines of, “Mat my leg's gone numb”.
And with that he's learnt to never stand on an electric fence again!! (Pause)

And there was also the time he left a full bottle of Jack Daniels at my house while we went to the pub. And I can tell you he found out the expensive way that my Dad loves whiskey! (Pause)

There are many more examples, but for fear of being arrested and charged I'll leave them where they belong…… Buried! (Pause)

I'm apparently meant to talk about Steve's school days but there a mystery to me because I didn't meet him till later in life, but I believe he was well educated in all subject's, although how he passed Geography though I'll never know: He once asked me where I was born and I said “Penrith” to which he replied “ You Welsh twat”!!!?? (Pause)
That was a new one on me because last time I looked Penrith was in the Lake District, God knows which route he drives, to get himself to work everyday? (Pause)

One starry night he met the woman of dreams. A few weeks later he met Vikki. Only joking luv, Vikki you look radiant. How can we all thank you for taking Steve off our hands. You're one in a million……..… Steve, on the other hand, looks like he was won in a raffle. (Pause)

I would at this time, like to ask Steve and Vikki, to participate in this speech, now, Vikki, if I can ask you to place your Left hand on the table . . .
and Steve, now if you could place your Right hand directly on top of Vikki's,
Now Steve, are you are enjoying that?
Good because it's the last time you'll ever have the upper hand. (Pause)

Just remember, Vikki, Men are like a fine wine, they start out like grapes, and it is your job to stamp on them, until they mature into something that you would like to have dinner with. On the other hand Steve, women are also like a fine wine. They will start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age, until they go all sour and vinegary, eventually giving you a headache. (Pause)

Whilst on the internet seeking my own inspiration for this speech I did come across a web site that told me the meaning of names, so I wondered what does “Steve” really mean??
I was hoping it would turn up something that would make you all laugh, alas no…
”Steve” in fact means, “Crown”.… Which was a bit of a let down really.
Then I typed in “Vikki”, what treasures would it turn up, The Beauty? The Jewel? The lucky?.… Well I'm sorry but it doesn't mean any of those lovely things.
Vikki means “Victorious”, which from what I can tell Steve, the next however many years are going to be fun for you. So don't say I haven't warned you not to pick a fight with her. (Pause if laughing)
On a more serious note, Steve has been a great friend to me over the years and it has been a great honour to be your best man today. And I hope it all goes well for you cause I'm not doing it again!! (Pause)
So finally could you all please stand and join me in a toast to one of the nicest and most perfectly suited couple you could wish to meet, and I wish them all the happiness in their future together.
Mr & Mrs Jones
(Lot's of clapping hopefully!!!!)