Speech by Mathew Sharples

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Mathew Sharples
Speech Date: Dec 2001
INTRODUCTION

Good afternoon to all of you and thank you for coming on this special day to congratulate Chaz and Lenny on there marriage.
For those of you who don't know me my name is: “ Mat would you like another drink” so please don't be afraid to say hello to me today.

Well it is said that being asked to be the best man is like being asked to make love to the Queen Mother, it's a great honour but nobody wants to do it.

The key is to find a Best Man who is resourceful, energetic, and diplomatic. One who will not offend or create problems."
As you can see, Chaz's obviously an appalling judge of character. Which brings me nicely to the point where I can demolish his character.

Actually, it really is an honour to be Chaz's best man because to me Chaz is one of the best men I know. He is truly a quality individual. He is a great friend and lifelong confidant. We were always together. We were really more like brothers. In fact from the age of 15 to 18, my mum took him as a deduction on her tax return. She had to recoup the money she spent feeding him somehow.

EARLY LIFE

I have known Chaz since we met at school at the age of 4 some 22 years ago, looking back I do feel sorry for that school, just one of us would have been bad enough for them but they had to contend with the both of us!!
They early years are a bit of a blur being so long ago but a few things do stick in my mind, i.e. getting spanked in front of the whole class for snapping a few pencils!! (what's the number for claims direct again?) But the most memorable was the one where are parents banned us from seeing each other for about 8yrs, let me explain:

Chaz used to live about a mile away from my house when we were growing up and as most of you probably know his mum and dad were keen gardeners and had a lot of livestock this included some chickens!! This one particular day while chaz's mum and mine were enjoying a natter in the house, they told Chaz, me and Dougie to stop bothering them and go and play outside (before I carry on I would like everyone to bare in mind that we were only 6 or 7 at the time)

So there we were messing about and doing the obligatory beating up of the younger brother!! Dougie eventually got bored of this game and disappeared much to our annoyance, so we had to think of a new game to amuse ourselves….… It wasn't long before Chaz went into one of the out-houses and returned with a couple of mouse-traps..… let the games begin!! What fun we had setting them and throwing stones and sticks at them till they went off, well Chaz and I we got tired of this game quite quickly and to this day I can't remember who's idea it was but we came up with the “catch the chicken game” !!!!

We crept into the chicken run and set the traps baiting them with corn and watched with intent sure enough the hens came up and started pecking them “to this day (although cruel) it was one of the funniest sights I have ever seen, just picture it 2 hens running round franticly trying to get a mouse-trap off there heads! We caught them (not hard considering they couldn't see us) and took them off, the hens seemed none the worse for there ordeal, now Chaz has always the one to modify a plan scooted off and returned with a better trap now this was no ordinary trap this was a big metal one designed to chop a rats head off in one easy movement, now as I'm sure you have guessed we decided to put this new plan into action so with stealth and careful planning that the SAS would have been proud of we set the trap and retired to the corner off the hen run.…

EARLY LIFE CONT…

The chickens were a bit wary after the last time we were in there and left it well alone much to our disappointment we were just about to give up when Chaz's mum's prize cockerel came sauntering up, head held high and looking as pompous as ever, he looked at the corn, looked at us and then in one swift movement bent down and took a peck at the corn… it was the last one he ever took as well, the trap did what it was designed to do and removed the cockerels head, we looked on in horror as we realised what we had done, then the fear of what our mum's would say set in.…

What do we do??

There was only one cockerel so they were bound to notice, then the idea came up to blame Dougie…but that wouldn't work either he'd been inside sat in the same room as our mothers quite content with his lego..…

The only thing we could do is go inside and pretend nothing untoward had happened, unfortunately Chaz has never been good at hiding the fact that he had done something wrong, his mum took one look at his face and new something had happened, we both got taken outside by our mums to explain what we had done, we never had to do that because it was plainly obvious, there staring us all in the face was a chicken run and slap bang in the centre was a decapitated cockerel with a rat-trap beside it….…
And that's why we were banned from seeing each other for 8 odd yrs.

SCHOOL

Until we met up again at the age of 15 I'll have to take Chaz's word for the events that happened in the missing years, apparently he was a great scholar and passed every exam he took with flying colours except computer studies! maybe because he was too busy hacking into the school computer system and changing all the grades and passwords to take the actual exam.

The first I saw of this talent was when we were 15 and both had the fantastic Atari 520STFM, Chaz turned up one day and proudly presented me with my birthday present..… not only was it a game that he had designed and programmed all by himself but it was also porn! Yes Chaz had spent
God knows how many hours sat in a little room all alone while keeping an eye out for his mum making a game of strip poker for me to play with!
now that's what I call a good friend.
He also had a run in with the drug's squad at school but I'll leave that one alone for the time being,
Although to put your minds at rest it turned out to be Tetley (teabags that is!)

THE DRINKING YEARS

When we got to the age off 18 things changed dramatically, we started to got to a club called Greggs and how we used to laugh when Chaz was drunk by 10pm (about 1hr after we had arrived)
How he got away with the lewd and suggestive comments he made to every passing female I'll never know, maybe it's because he went to school with them all and he was known as “ The Great Charlie Wildthing”

These were the first times I'd seen him dancing, Lenny, you're in for a treat in an hour or so — there's no stopping him on the dance floor and rhythm and style are obviously of little importance to him, he needs alcohol to get going but not more than 3 pints we don't want him unconscious do we!!

CHAZ + LENNY

There are not many best men who can describe the bride as a true friend, as well as the groom, but I'm lucky in that I can do exactly that. It is an honour, all be it the most terrifying experience of my life, to be asked to be best man here today. I just hope neither of them has need of my services again in the future because I'm not doing it.

Chaz she's a lovely person. She deserves a good husband. Thank God you married her before she found one!
Seriously though Chaz, you are a lucky groom; you've got Lenny. She's beautiful, smart, funny, warm, loving and caring.
And Lenny, you've got……..ermmm……Chaz.

ADVICE

Before I make the toast, I have a few words of wisdom I'd like to pass on.

To Lenny: If you love something, set it free, If it comes back, it was, and always will be, yours.

If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.

If it just sits in your room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses the telephone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you set it free in the first place, then you probably married it !!

To Chaz: The key to a long and happy marriage it to remember those three little words; You're right dear!

JOKE

I'd like to wish you a very happy marriage, but remember that there are three types of sex in a marriage; all over the house sex, bedroom sex, and hallway sex. All over the house sex occurs in the first year or so of marriage. It's when you'll do it anytime, anywhere, in any position for any reason. Bedroom sex develops later, and is when you have sex on a Saturday night in the bedroom (If you're lucky!). Hallway sex is in the later stages of a marriage. This is when you pass each other in the hallway and scream ‘screw you!’

TOASTS

On behalf of the bride and groom, I'd like to thank everyone here for coming today, particularly those who have travelled long distances.
On behalf of myself, I wish you'd all stayed at home because things would have been much easier on me. I started planning this speech 12 months ago, and you must all feel like I've been delivering it equally as long, Chaz you are an excellent friend and it's been an honour to be your best man.
but now it gives me immense pleasure (not to mention relief) to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses in a toast for Chaz and Lenny and, Mr and Mrs McGeoch no less, who deserve everything they get (and I do mean that in the nicest possible way). We wish them well for the future, and hope they enjoy a long, happy, and fruitful marriage.

The happy couple……………….…

I think I'll go and ring the Queen mother now!