Speech by Matt & Ben

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Matt & Ben
Speech Date: Oct2006
Both: Ladies and Gentlemen, may I take this opportunity to thank you … …

Ben: I thought I was doing the speech…

Matt: No, you did the stag do, I'm doing the speech…

Ben: Ladies and Gentlemen, Bride and Groom, there appears to be some confusion about who is making this speech…I'm sure we'll manage something

Matt: Before we continue, I would like to point out to those of you who may be feeling the effects of the alcohol, there are two of us standing up here and you are not seeing double.

Ben: We've spent a great deal of time planning this speech and worrying about getting up here and actually delivering it, so we took advice from as many people as possible

Matt: The most common piece of advice we received about standing up and talking in front of an audience is to imagine you all naked. So, if you don't mind, we'll give it a go…

[look around, looking bemused/surprised]

Ben: You know, I'm not sure that was such a good idea. I was doing ok until I looked at the ushers, and now I feel a bit sick…

Ben: Ladies and Gentlemen, may I thank you all or – may I add my thanks to those of the Groom for attending this wonderful occasion on Steve and Roz's wedding day. It has been a great success ad lib if anything has happened or say…so far… Both Steve and Roz look absolutely stunning, so could you please raise your glasses to the new Mr and Mrs Gillett

Matt: Also, on behalf of the bridesmaids, Jackie and Tracey, we would like to thank Steve for his gifts and kind words.
It is a pleasure to speak on their behalf and i'm sure everyone will agree Jackie and Tracey both look wonderful and have done an excellent job being there for Roz on her big day. [Toast] Ladies and Gentlemen, a toast to the Bridesmaids

Ben: We would now like to take the opportunity to read out some messages and announcements from people who unfortunately couldn't make it today

[read out real messages, alternating]

Ben / Matt: And finally, greetings from the Jorna curry house in Downend – congratulations, and may you live happily for a long time in Downend…we can't afford the dent in profits if you move away

Matt: Ladies and Gentlemen, every now and then, one gets the opportunity to talk about a man of the highest integrity and honour … a man of achievement and action, with penetrating intellect and wit .… a man destined to get the most of out of life……

Ben: But I'm afraid not today because this is about Steve

Matt: Steve was born on the 8th August 1976 in Southmead Hospital, in Bristol. We did have a look to see if any big world events occurred on this day but it seems that nothing else happened on his actual birthday…the day the maternity staff at Southmead now always refer to as Monkey Birth Sunday

Ben: I've known Steve since he was about 3 – and in some ways, he just hasn't changed… – he was always active as a child, a keen footballer with plenty of trophies to his name, doing a spot of judo and he was a member of various cub and scout groups. It was during a scout camp that he broke his arm, which was not an unusual occurance when Steve was young, but it gained him recognition in the scout magazine as a ‘camp hero’.

Matt: And no doubt, breaking his arms 3 times will be his excuse for having weak wrists…

Ben: We clearly had to have a look through his old school reports and we found several interesting comments. His music teacher wrote

Matt: ‘I really admire steves hands-on approach, although it would be advisable for him to join a group, rather than playing by himself’.

Ben: In Physics, his teacher wrote

Matt: ‘Steve has a real difficulty in distinguishing between millimetres and inches

Ben: some things will never change. And in a summary report, it said

Matt: Steve is an ideal student, one who excelled in most subjects. Although, on closer examination and removing the tippex, it actually read ‘Steve is an idle student, one who was expelled from most subjects’.
This could be explained by the fact that whenever he was supposed to be revising, he spent many hours on his computer, playing with his joystick…

Ben: but ultimately, this was no doubt a good thing as this interest in computers paved the way for a career in IT, which in turn is how he met Roz. The relationship began to take off during an afternoon of intensive socialising, in the romantic surroundings of the hogs head on Glos Rd. Things were going well that day, and it seems Steve was a bit oblivious to what was going on, and it was left to Roz to make the first move by leaning over and gently whispering in his ear “Do I get a kiss, or what?”. And as we know, the relationship has blossomed from there

Matt: When I first met Roz, my initial impressions were that she was friendly, good looking, funny, happy and a thoughtful person.
And when Steve told me they were getting married, I thought it really is true that opposites attract.

Ben: In researching Steve's past, we found a common theme and unsurprisingly Ladies and Gentlemen, this revolves around Steve having a drink or two. One of the most memorable instances resulting in him acquiring the nickname ‘Malibu Man’. This certainly isn't the place to go into details but I'm sure Steve will be happy to fill you in later…

Matt: He also has the reputation of being a human weeble. No matter how much he's drunk and to what excess, he always manages to stay on his feet…Except, that is, when he fell asleep in a hedge in Croyde…

Ben: And except when he fell head first down the stairs, into a pile of bottles and fell asleep

Matt: And a small incident involving a garden nap, some old neighbours of Roz's and the local constabulary…

Ben: You may have noticed another theme developing here, namely that of Steve falling asleep. And I'm sure Roz can testify to the time when Steve fell asleep during one of his favourite acts… Eating curry… Eating curry, L &amp G, I can see a few shocked faces there, don't worry. He really does know how to charm a lady.

Matt: Anyway, moving on to the recent stag do. For those of you who don't know, a group of 7 of us [raise the glass and nod to the 7] went away to Amsterdam. Obviously, as one of the most cosmopolitan cities in Europe, Amsterdam is full of culture and heritage. But we didn't see any of it.

Ben: We should have mentioned, that whilst at school, Steve also gained the nickname ‘mouse’ and it was for this reason that when we were in Amsterdam, the one requirement was for Steve to dress up as a mouse. He wasn't too impressed with the whole idea, which came as a surprise to us given his past history of dressing up.

Matt: Now, Steve said earlier that what Ben and I were going to tell you would be all lies [??] but he wasn't counting on us having visual aids, so if you'd now like to open the envelopes around the tables, you'll get all the proof you need……[point to envelopes if necc.]

Ben: All joking aside, it has been a great privilege to be asked to be best men for Steve today. He has always been a good brother to me…

Matt: and a good friend to me… [both look at each other confused]

Ben: Roz, you make a beautiful wife and we are certain you will make each other very happy. Let me just say that from our perspective, Roz couldn't be marrying a better man and Steve couldn't be marrying a better woman. You are both lucky to have found each other and make a truly great couple

Matt: So, Ladies and Gentlemen, before we finish, there are obviously two very important people here today, without whom very little of this would have been possible, most of us will get to spend more and more time talking with as the day goes on, so please be upstanding and join me in a very special toast……… to the bar staff

Ben: Seriously, Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain standing, charge your glasses and raise a toast. Congratulations to the Bride and Groom, Roz and Steve