Speech by Matt Docwra

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Matt Docwra
Speech Date: Feb 2002
Ladies and Gentlemen, before I start I first have to make an apology to J
for stealing her thunder earlier. I forgot that it was the brides’
prerogative to arrive late not mine.

Host and Hostess, Bride and Bridegroom, Ladies and Gentlemen, firstly on
behalf of the bridesmaids I would like to thank the groom for his kind
words.

You know I had a feeling it was going to be difficult to follow a speech by
S, and I was quite right…
I couldn't follow a bloody word.

I have to tell you that to be asked to act as S's best man today is a great
privilege.…
Not to mention damned inconvenient,
(Look out of window)
18 holes would have been great right now /
But then 18 holes isn't that much fun in the rain anyway.

I first met S when we started University, and he would like to think that he
was a model student…
But the only thing I ever saw him model successfully were his roller blades.
I can imagine the sight of 6’4" skinhead hurtling through Bristol on roller
blades following a shift at the nightclub must have caused many a second
glance.

Even longer looks were caused by S's most infamous escapade.
A mid December naked dip in a central Bristol fountain, and a nude
confrontation with a local resident accused of stealing his clothes. Closely
followed by a moonlit streak, culminating in a close examination of his
knuckles for the aforementioned locals’ tooth, is one that particularly
sticks out most in my mind.

I do have the photographs with me, should anyone wish to see them later.
(Wiggle little finger!)

S and I were both studying Engineering, however merely to call S an
engineer, is like calling Michelangelo a decorator. Unfettered by ability,
unhindered by style. Unimpeded by talent, this man is above professionalism.
He is in a category of his own.
Nah… CRAP!

But Ladies and Gentlemen, I've been asked today to praise S, not to bury
him…
Mind you, I must say that the vote was bloody close!

J and S have already been together for several years, so I've also got to
know J quite well.
She has some remarkable qualities, one of which – thank goodness – is a
well-developed sense of humour.
She'll need that for a start.
Of course, she'll also need quite a lot of patience, as there are three of
them in this marriage, J, S…
And S's ego.

They're bound to be happy together; after all they're both very much in
love,
Unfortunately both with the bridegroom.

He doesn't just think he's gods gift to women,
He thinks he's gods gift to everybody.…
In which case I think god does his shopping in Kwiksave.

Of course like any couple they have they're little scraps, but never
anything serious.
Well, nothing 3 police sergeants and a couple of paramedics can't sort out.

Because of this, they've had to work out a better way of settling they're
arguments.
Now, S admits he's wrong.
And J admits she's always right.

I know it's traditional for the best man to offer a few words on maintaining
a successful marriage. And as I have no personal experience of marriage, I
sort some advice.

Here are just a few pearls of wisdom offered.

J, if he ever threatens to leave you.…
Hold out for a firm promise.

S, if you clever.
You'll always have the last word.
But, if you're very clever…
You won't use it.

J, treat him like a dog…
Feed him 3 meals a day,
Plenty of affection,
And a very tight leash.

And to both of you, never go to bed angry…
Stay up and fight.

But possibly the most sensible gem of wisdom I received, came from the vicar
at a recent school carol concert.
A marriage is made in heaven,
But the maintenance work has to be carried out here on earth.

Continuing the serious note, I have to thank D and J on behalf of all the
guests for the hospitality we've enjoyed this afternoon.

Like everybody here I wish J and S all the happiness in the world.

Ladies and Gentlemen, yet again, the new Mr. and Mrs. M.

S and J