Speech by Matt Goodwin

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Matt Goodwin
Speech Date: Oct2006
Good afternoon, Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls, I hope that you are all enjoying the day so far.

I would like to start by thanking the Groom for the toast to the bridesmaids. I agree that they do look absolutely gorgeous, and have done a super job looking after Lydia. Also, not to forget the usher, he's been marvellous.

For those of you that don't know me, allow me to introduce myself, my name is Matt Goodwin. Paul has very kindly given me the honour of being his Best Man today. Our Groom has many special friends and having the privilege of being chosen as his Best Man, from such esteemed company, is an honour the likes of which I have never had bestowed upon me before.

Well, I must say that I am very nervous about making this speech in fact this is the fifth time today that I have stood up from a warm seat with pieces of paper in my hand.

Before I proceed, I believe that Matt Aldridge is running a sweep on the length of my speech – put me down for 82 minutes, Matt!!!!!

Someone once told me that a Best Man's speech should be like a Ladies mini-skirt short enough to grab everyone's attention, but long enough to cover the essentials.

Actually I can only speak for a couple of minutes because of my throat – if I go on too long, Lydia has threatened to cut it.

At this point I would like some assistance from our bride and groom. Lydia, if you could place your right hand flat on the table in front of you, now Paul, you place your left hand directly on top of Lydia's. Take a deep breath and enjoy every moment Paul, because this is the last time that you will ever have the upper hand!!!!!

I have known Paul for some eight years now we met at Aston University and studied on the same course for four years. During this time there were occasions when I needed to be there for Paul and likewise there were occasions when Paul was there for me. Ever since, we have been very good mates and I hope this continues for life.

Some of you may know that I am recently married, some nine weeks now. It was an honour for me to have Paul as my best man. He did a fantastic job except for one small hiccup he nearly forgot to transport little Page Boy Josh from the Church to the Reception. Josh was waving desperately by the roadside trying to attract Paul's attention in his car. Luckily, Paul immediately realised that Josh should have been inside the car, and not waving to him from the roadside.

One of Paul's many qualities is that he is always game for a laugh, and unfortunately for him, there has been many humorous situations, far too many for me to recall today. However I will share with you some highlights, everyone.

Paul is quite passionate about his football. Naturally, being from Kent, he is a Manchester United fan, however, unlike most distant home fans, he has actually been to Old Trafford. Unfortunately, it was to see England v's Pakistan in the Second Test this summer.

However, his love affair for Manchester United has been through some rough patches. At University, instead of watching an important Champions League game down the pub with the boys, he chose to attend the dance club night out with the girls instead. Where was your loyalty, Paul?

My next story involves one of Paul's earlier cars, a small yellow Clio, which made many a journey, sometimes with Paul behind the wheel, and sometimes without Paul behind the wheel. Whilst living in Derby, he popped out to the local Co-op he parked the car and went into the shop. He was barely through the door when a lad approached him shouting “here mate is that your yellow car, rolling down the hill”. He shot out of the Co-op, like Linford Christie, racing after the yellow blur. Thankfully, little damage was done.

Just for your information, Ladies and Gentleman, currently Paul has a new black Astra and it's parked at the very top of the car park. At this point, everyone, would anybody like to move their car?

Paul has quite a fascination with the colour yellow. Whilst on holiday with the lads in Rhodes at the end of our final year, Paul decided to enhance the sun bleaching effect of his hair. He bought a product named Miss Sandy, of dubious origin, and began to apply. Well, not seeing much change in colour with the recommended application, he upped the dose. WOW, what a change! The end result was ginger blond. Funny at the time, but what would Lydia say? With only 7 days to graduation, a visit to the prospective in-laws and a very important interview looming, the pressure was on. After consultations with an expert and serious product searching for the appropriate anti-dote, this follicle disaster was averted.

Ladies and Gentlemen, now then, as a married man, it's nice to hear the sound of my own voice, even if only for a few minutes!!!!!

Now with this limited marital experience I have been able to give Paul a little advice. I said to him “just try to be a model husband and lover.” What Paul failed to realise was that, if you look up the word ‘model’ in a dictionary, it means “a small miniature replica of the real thing”.

On the subject of marital advice, this nicely leads me on to the following pearls of wisdom:

“Someone once said that marriage is a 50/50 partnership, I hope you realise that anyone who believes that, knows very little about women or percentages.”

Is it true “Some people say that love is blind, and marriage is definitely an eye opener?”

I believe that a man who gives in when he is wrong is a wise man but a man who gives in when he is right, is a married man.

Listen carefully Paul always have the last word in an argument . . . . usually . . . . . . . . . . . SORRY!!

Finally, Paul, always remember those 3 little magic words “YOURE RIGHT DEAR!!”

Just as there is much advice about marriage, there are many thoughts about the duties of a Best Man. Well, these duties are many and varied. One of which, was to ensure that Paul arrived dressed impeccably to the wedding. As you can see, I've done a pretty good job, but I do think that at the age of 26, he really should be able to tie his own shoe laces.

Another duty is of course, to organise the Stag Weekend and to ensure Paul's safe return back home.

For those of you that don't know, Paul and I are members of the Jelly Monkeys five-a-side football team. This team was born at Aston, and the three other founder members are also here today to watch this great match. After a four-year closed-season, the Jelly Monkey's played their comeback fixture on Paul's Stag Weekend in Newcastle. Paul's prize for winning the post match penalty shoot-out, was to wear a gorilla suit for the whole of that evening. Paul being Paul, and game for a laugh, wore the gorilla suit with pride. He obviously drew attention to himself every where we went. One of his task's was to enter a shop, as only a Gorilla would, and purchase a bunch of banana's, much to the amazement and laughter of the shop assistants.

Sadly I haven't time to recount all these many stories today, as the bar will be open shortly.

Ladies and Gentlemen, as appropriate on this very special occasion, I have received three e-mails for the attention of the Bride and Groom.

The first one being from the Jelly Monkeys five-a-side football team:

Subject: Team Formation and reads as follows:-

“We have tried Paul in every position and he is useless, we do hope that Lydia has better success that what we did.”

The second e-mail being from Great Auntie Nellie, Subject: Photograph, and reads:-

“Congratulations on your marriage, sorry I can't be there with you, but could you please send me a picture of the Bride and Groom mounted!!!!”

I'm not quite sure what she means by that everyone, do you?

The third e-mail is signed with two paw prints, Subject: Absent feline friends. This reads:-

“Mum and Dad, sorry that we are unable to attend your celebrations, as Mummy says that our table manners are not up to scratch”

Ladies and Gentleman, this must be from Jake &amp Jasmin.

Finally, everyone, there are many ingredients that make a happy marriage, for instance, Paul, never leave the toilet seat up, always remember Birthdays and Anniversaries, buy flowers regularly, but not too regular that it becomes suspicious.

Yet there are two ingredients that really stand out in my mind: 1 A beautiful wife and, 2 A very loving husband. Well on that score, everyone, I think that our couple are pretty well set up!!!!

Before I finish, I would just like to say that loud and energetic cheering after a speech can burn up to 100 calories a minute, so get ready to burn!!!!!!

So to conclude, Ladies and Gentleman, I ask you to be upstanding, raise your glasses in a toast, wishing our Bride &amp Groom, a long and happy marriage. I give you, our Bride &amp Groom, Paul &amp Lydia.