Speech by Matt Hill

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Matt Hill
Speech Date: oct 2003

I've heard that one good way to relax yourself in front of an audience is to imagine them sat naked in front of you…Unfortunately with Mr. ******* and Mr. ******** sat in front of me that can kind of put you off your food!

The first duty of the speech is to thank the Groom on behalf of the bridesmaids his kind words, and I would just like to add that I think that they looked dazzling and complemented Louise perfectly. I think that you would all agree that ****** looks one in a million today as opposed to ****** who looks like he was one in a raffle! Special thanks should also go to the Ushers who performed their duties fantastically and I think you'll agree that they all looked dazzling too. I thought that the ceremony was particularly touching and couldn't help noticing how much of a novelty it was to see ******, for once, wearing the trousers.

The role of a best man is wide and varied and can be likened to that of a troubleshooter. One particular problem that I helped them resolve was deciding whom to seat where. We finally decided to use the wedding present list, and put those who bought the biggest items nearest the front, and work it back from there. So if they can hear me at the back, ******would like to say thank you to ******the tea strainer is coming in very handy!

It is a great honour for me to perform this role for ******and in time honoured Best Man tradition I will now do my best to give ******the most uncomfortable 5 minutes of his life. – Which to be fair is only what he gives ******on a regular basis.

Known to his friends as Harry, College mates knew him as Flopsy (hope that's because of the hair) and Neighbours and work colleagues as Victor Meldrew (apparently it's OK for ******to have a party until 1 in the morning but he was around to his neighbours at 10 in the evening asking them to keep it down!) I looked up the meaning of the word ‘Harry’ and according to the Chambers dictionary the word ‘Harry’ actually means to ‘worry’ or ‘annoy’ and if you know ******this is quite apt. So to start at the beginning ******was born on 23nd February 1973. It seems that this was an otherwise uneventful day……the day that midwives at the Royal Gwent Hospital still refer to fondly as “Monkey birth Friday” Coincidentally 1973 was the year of the rabbit and ******claims to have been paying passionate tribute to this fact ever since. It was also the year that VAT was introduced in this country and we think that this kind of set the tone for his popularity.

I first met ******when I was eleven. We were sat next to each other in Mrs ******’s French class. ****** was my saviour back then as many of you will be astounded to hear that at this time ****** was a very quiet, intelligent, thoughtful and reflective character. Oh how things change!

****** always played a lot of sport at school and was one of those guys who could turn his hand to anything making the football golf and swimming teams. As you can imagine then, given the physical attributes to have turned his hand to any of these sports, we were all quite baffled when he chose to play the slightly homosexual sport of Badminton!
Like most things he does though he went on to excel and eventually played for Wales. ****** his partner at the time (Badminton partner I hasten to add) commented that one of ******’s strengths was that he was always able to rise to the occasion. This was illustrated once on a Badminton Trip to Guernsey. On a trip to the beech ******fell asleep lying on his back. He must have had a very erotic dream at one point because one of the girls in the party happened to notice that it wasn't just on the court that ******was able to rise to the occasion!!

There are several of us grew up together having a laugh, a few drinks and the occasional dance. These times were typified by the dying fly in the centre of Caldicot, dancing on top of the car transporter and MC Hammer jigs. Everyone brought something different to the group and from ******a wicked sense of humour, a good knowledge of the music and fashion scenes and the attention of the ladies were unfortunately just some of the things that he wasn't able to bring. Rarely though has anyone hit the dance floor with such Panache and energy as ******. With his long legs and vigorous energy he was a frightening combination of Michael flatly and John Cleese.

This takes us onto to one of the more fortunate chapters in ******’s life ******. It was a source of great surprise and amusement to us to hear that ******was embarking on this relationship with a policeman's daughter. It baffled us for a while until ******admitted that it meant easy access to handcuffs and uniforms!

And some of you may be wondering about the night that ******and ******first met, and believe me you would never have believed that that meeting would lead to this! They actually first met in my parents kitchen. ****** was leaning against the counter talking to my mum. Much later ******remarked that her first impression of ******was that he was sulky and miserable. To this day I have no idea where she could have got that impression. ****** commented early on that ******was giving him ‘the right Hump’. Today therefore is a testament to the fact that in love miracles do occur.

On a sincere note, I'd like to express my heartfelt congratulations to you both. I've known ******for over half my life and think of him more like a brother now – a somewhat odd brother maybe, – but a brother nonetheless, and just as he has always been there for me I would never have deserted him in his times of need. I remember one particular time when he was about 19 he spent some time in the hospital with a problem down below. He had always told us that it was a testicular hernia. I only found out recently however, that it was actually more serious than that he had been admitted to the premature ejaculation unit………It was a worrying time because the doctor told ****** that for a while there things were a little bit touch and go!

In all seriousness though, ****** and ******have now begun a their life together and I think that you would struggle to find 2 people more alike. They both feel that marriage is a very serious undertaking, which I know they haven't entered into lightly. Well at just over 15 stone I know ****** certainly hasn't. What I do know though is that they have the similarities that will strengthen each other and the differences to compliment each other throughout the years, and I feel privileged to be able to call not just the groom but also the bride a good friend.

Just before I raise the toast I would like to read a few cards:
Jon your sense of fashion and dance routines have been an inspiration to me during my pop career – all the best H from Steps
Aunty Mavis – sorry I missed the wedding could you please send me a picture of the happy couple mounted –
Jon let your hair down today, It's been letting you down for years and that's from Geoff from Caldicot.
Before I raise the toast to Jon I would like to read a card from ******, (Read Card………………………….) and ******would like to add the final piece of advice for the wedding night……May your wedding night be like a kitchen table…… all legs and no draws.
To Mr and Mrs ******, ******and ******– may they grow old together on the same pillow.