Speech by Matt Holland`

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Matt Holland`
Speech Date: Aug 2002
Good afternoon, Ladies and Gentlemen.

On behalf of the Bride and Groom I would like to thank everybody for coming – I'm sure you'll all agree that this is turning out to be a brilliant wedding celebration. I must say it has been a wonderful day and a very emotional wedding; even the cake was in tiers.

Yet every silver lining does have its cloud… and that cloud is me.

I would also like to remind you that the more you laugh at my jokes, the quicker my speech will be over!

Before I carry on with Steve's character assassination can I take this opportunity to thank him on behalf of the bridesmaids for his kind words.

A wise man once told me that a Best mans speech should only last as long as it takes the groom to make love
So, thank you and good night.

For those that don't know me, my name is Matt, and yes, it was I who drew the short straw…….I mean, was given the honour of being Steve's Best Man.
Seriously, I was both delighted, and honoured to be chosen, though I must confess to being a little nervous as I stand before you, as public speaking has never been one of my strong points. Indeed I can tell you that this is the sixth time today that I've got up from a warm seat with a few sheets of paper in my hand.

However, I have read somewhere that the best way to calm your nerves during public speaking, is to imagine that your entire audience is naked….…
(Long pause to scan audience, stopping briefly twice to grimace at one of the men and smile longingly at one of the ladies)
Nope! It's not working, but please bear with me!

I have succeeded in my first duty, that of getting Steve to the church, sober, on time and eventually married.

My second duty was to make sure that on Steve's last Night of Freedom he was put safely into Bed, and not on the late train to Glasgow.

I can assure you all that Steve was in bed early last night and slept like a baby; he wet the bed twice and woke every hour crying for his mummy.

Not to be outdone, I spoke to one of Janine's relatives earlier today. He was remarking on how fast children grow up nowadays, and it seemed only yesterday that Janine was a toddler running around with a dummy… so No change there then!!

Also during my research into weddings in general I looked into the 3 key elements of the Wedding ceremony and I think that they can be summarised as follows:
• The Aisle – it's the longest walk you'll ever take.
• The Altar – the place where 2 become 1.
• The Hymn – the celebration of the marriage.
I think Jannine must also have read the same book as me because as she came up the aisle today, I'm sure I heard her whispering “Aisle Altar Hymn, Aisle Altar Hymn”.

In the days leading up to the Wedding I thought it would be a good idea to seek advice from married couples which I can pass on to Steve and Jannine …..so they can benefit from their wisdom.
I shall not reveal these peoples names…… for fear of reprisals….… from their wives!.
Here are the pearls of wisdom.…
Remember that MARRIAGE is not just one word … it is a sentence……you get less for murder!
You have exchanged your wedding rings today, but there are more than 2 rings to a marriage
…..the suffeRing,
…..the enduRing
…..and the tortuRing!
Always remember to tell her those 3 little words…..… "You're right dear".

On a sincere note …I would like to thank Steve for asking me to be his best man ….and thank him for his friendship over the years that I have known him.
In life you can count your true friends on one hand, these being people who will drop whatever they are doing and do all they can to help you in your hour of need. I remember when I lost my job, Steve was there. When my girlfriend dumped me, Steve was there. When I broke my arm, Steve was there. In fact , I'm beginning to think that you are a jinx Steve.

Its Fair to say that for Steve it's also not always been plain sailing, for example he has had a few health problems recently. He's just spent six days in hospital in the premature ejaculation unit….… apparently it was touch and go at one stage.

Tradition has it that the best mans speech is designed to perform a complete character assassination and embarrass and humiliate the groom. But as Steve does this so well himself on a regular basis I thought I'd break from tradition and tell you all what a kind and, caring and thoughtful man he is. After weeks of trying, and all I'd got was “Steve is a kind caring and thoughtful man”, I thought I'd revert back to plan A.

I've known Steve as long as I can remember and Jannine about 6 years. So as you can imagine I've seen some dodgy haircuts, nasty taches and full on Grisly Adams beards.
And Steve's been no better!

One of my favourite memories is when we finally made our clubbing debut one evening in the Summer of 1990 at Moonshine in Stockport. Blinded by bright lights, loud music and more girls that any adolescent can comprehend we hit the dance floor. This was where I was to witness the raw, and still undiscovered talent of Steve's dancing. Regularly he would empty the dance floor with his moves , which would leave all the ladies speechless. So speechless in fact that they never spoke to him.

*No Best man speech would be complete without tales of the Stag Weekend, but there's only so much that can be said in front of friends, family and now the missus!!!
On the Saturday morning, we played paintball. Dressed in full combat gear and unshaven Steve looked like a wanna be Green Beret , an impression that was not reinforced when he got shot in the first five minutes. This was followed by Quad biking in the afternoon. Most of the Stag party managed to remain on the track……apart from the Groom that is….After misjudging one particular corner he went soaring into the air ending up in a ditch. We were duly concerned when he didn't reappear, although this was understandable when we realised he was in a certain amount of pain after his wedding tackle connected with the handlebars

Though I believe the swelling has gone down enough for the marriage to be consummated!!
Although I believe he was secretly pleased with his swollen glands

The evening was spent in a club with a beach party theme. For those who didn't know, Steve was dressed in a Hawaiian shirt, a Grass Skirt, and Big Fake Boobs – For those who would like to see the pictures – I believe they are on the internet – www.ladyboys.com.

Steve, honestly, I'm NOT here to embarrass you, mate. You did a fine job of that yourself on the stag night. I was a bit concerned that after you had made your cross-dressing tendencies public, Janine might have had some competition today, but given the formal nature of this occasion I am pleased to see you've decided to copy my outfit, rather than hers.

As I said before, it is traditionally the best man's role to embarrass the groom on his wedding day. I've tried not to do so too much, if I have, Steve, I'm sorry. With all the stories I received from your friends and family, ranging from the merely silly to the frankly shocking, I think I've managed to save your blushes (and maybe even your marriage, mate!!). After all this is a family wedding and who really wants to hear about your REAL past??? For those who ARE interested in hearing more about the time that Steve and the usher Jon shared a bed, or how Steve thought that Mange Tout was actually a threesome, as I said earlier, I'm Matt, I'll be at the bar, and the bidding starts at one pint.

When Steve and Janine got together, we all knew they had something special, and that this day was only a matter of time in coming. So to both of you, from me, you make a wonderful couple, and I know you're going to be very happy together. Janine, if there was ever going to be one person to bring Steve in to line, I'm glad it was you. We've had some great times as single lads, but I don't think Steve has ever been happier than when he's been with you. Steve, again, well done mate, you have a wonderful wife, which is no more than you deserve. Now just get that car swapped for a nice family saloon.

Before I finish and let you all get on with buying me drinks I would like to read out a some of the messages from those who couldn't make it today.

The first is from the lads at football: We've found Steve to be useless in every position. Hope Janine has more luck.

From the the sandles resort in Cuba
“Congratulations to you both on this special day.
We very much look forward to making your honeymoon a memorable one.
Please do not worry if there is a slight delay when checking in,
As we are putting something very special on – The roof!”

And finally, on behalf of the bride and groom, I'd like to thank you all for sharing their day. I started planning this speech 2 months ago, and you must feel like I have been delivering it equally as long; but now it gives me immense pleasure to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses in a toast to Steve and Jannine.

To the Bride and Groom's Future Happiness.