Speech by Matt Nicholls

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Matt Nicholls
Speech Date: Jun 2001
Firstly, I would like to thank Andy for his kind words on behalf of the bridesmaids and I agree they all look top shelf today and have done a great job in looking after Tanya, getting her hear and curing her wedding day nerves. How many vodka and cokes did it take ?

I've read all the best man books and they all say make your speech short and sweet but, quite frankly, the authors of them don't know Andy and Tanya and I've got so much on this pair you won't want me to stop, believe me.

(Looking at them) Are you worried ? (Andy nods) I was talking to Tanya !

Now then. I have actually practiced my speech at a couple of the gay bars in Brighton so some of you Southend lads might have heard it.
It has been said that being asked to be best man is like sleeping with the Queen Mother, it's a great honour but nobody wants to do it!

Well I really was glad to be asked partly because Andy has always been a very popular lad but mainly because I've wanted the chance to rip him to bits for years.

I first met Andy when we were 6 yrs old and shared the same child minder after school where we grew up in Enderby . That's 20 years ago, frightening really, even more frightening is the fact that he still has the same hair style.

It took a while for us to bond. It might of helped if he wasn't such an odd looking kid, I'm not saying he was ugly but his mum told me she used to have to put a bone round his neck so the dog would play with him.

Eventually we became great mates and since those early days its been a turbulent time of lager, fast women and more lager, and that's just the school years. Obviously that's not true……there weren't any fast women at all.

Now it may surprise you to know that Andy was very sporty at school….… well he used to run to the tuck shop anyway. We played in the same football team all the way through school and junior football through to senior football and the King Bill Pub side winning many trophies along the way. The highlight of our football career was playing in an under 13’s cup final at the theatre of dreams……Filbert Street!
I can always remember him going arsey if he didn't score on a Sunday morning and Tanya assures me that is still the case!

Seriously Andy was a very good player and it wasn't for pubs opening all day he may well have made it as a footballer, or a golfer come to that.

As for the academic side of school I can't comment as we were never in the same classes but Apparently in Maths Andy always had a problem distinguishing between inches and milimetres and I've heard that is still the case.

Now I know Patricia, Dave and everybody else have taken to Wellsy and you all know him as the happy go lucky golfer who can sell 50ps for a fiver but he wasn't always so quick witted.

For example there was the time he got his first mobile phone and I asked him if it was on orange and he replied “ no Matt its just black and flat”. And then there was the time 1 Friday night when he got up to leave the pub early rubbing his belly and saying I've got to go lads I feel a bit ambidextrous.

Now I know you southerners like a laugh, well you must do if you follow Tottenham and West Ham, come on I had to get that in somewhere, so I'll tell you about some of Andy's eating habits.

Before Andy met the lovely Tanya, who I must say looks ravishing today, I had the pleasure of sharing a house with him and it was then that I noticed a couple of things about Andy, and Tolly and Juggy will back me up here.

Andys idea of a balanced diet was holding a kebab in 1 hand and a can of carling in the other,

his idea of kitchen hygiene is wedging the remains of a chinese take away including bags and trays in the microwave so its out of view.

But possibly his most peculiar habit was on the nights he'd been in the King Bill, which to be fair was just about every night he insisted on taking a pint of milk to bed with him, drinking half and keeping the half full bottle in his room until it turned solid. I think the record was about 7 weeks and 3 days.

At this stage of his life, what would he have been about 21, 22 stone the lager and curries did start taking their toll in fact, and Andy won't mind me saying this, he did get a bit porky. In fact at one stage he got so big Leicester Council gave him his own post code!

Of course now he's been under Tanya's wing for a couple of years now, and she has knocked him into the fine young man we see before us.

Which brings me nicely on to the story of how Andy and Tanya met.
Some of you might not know but Andy and Tanya met while on Holiday in Faliraki, Rhodes and in actual fact Andy was in bed with the two bob bits and delhi belly the night we met Tanya and her friends. He'll tell you he had a dodgy kebab but I think the 14 bottles of amstel he drank in the day might have slowed him down a bit as well.

We were in a bar enjoying a quiet game of pool when suddenly, out of nowhere came this blonde bombshell who I now know to be Tanya who proceeded to jump onto our pool table and start dancing, knocking the balls everywhere . I woulden't have minded but I was winning for once!

Anyway we all had a laugh and after a night of clubbing I returned to our room in the early hours and woke Andy and told him that we'd met some girls and there was one called Tanya who had all the qualities he looks for in a woman….… quiet, shy and reserved.

Andy, who had fully recovered after a night on the big white telephone was so excited about meeting Tanya he started dancing around the room and trying on shirts at 7.30 in the morning.

Anyway we all met up that night and sure enough, just call me cupid, Andy and Tanya hit it off and danced the night away, not always fully clothed I might add ,and I'm not talking about Andy.

I'll always remember that night, seeing this handsome, fit young man showing
off his finely tuned dance moves behind Tanya on the podium.… Andy was there somewhere as well. Anyway after the nightclub they went for a romantic stroll on the beach. That reminds me Andy did you ever get your Bart Simpson boxer shorts back.

I knew from the very start that they would end up together ,they seemed to have a certain chemistry. Its hard to say what really cemented their love, was it as their eyes met over the smoky dance floor, or later that night under the moonlit sky or was it the next day on the beach when Andy looked up from his sun lounger to see Tanya doing a naked Bungee jump !! Since then they've never looked back.

I can't imagine what Andy is feeling right now sitting next to his new wife. What does the 1st day of the rest of your life feel like when your single greatest achievement to date was getting Willie Thornes autograph.

Seriously now, no more cheap gags Andy and Tanya got on like a house on fire from the 1st time they met and anybody who knows them will agree they seem to go together like bread and butter or for you southern bumkins, pie and mash and I hope I'm half as happy as this pair when I get married

Congratulations to you both, Andy you are marrying a bubbly beautiful, intelligent, talented, exceptional woman

Tanya you are marrying Andy Wells.

Seriously Andy is a top lad who I'm sure Lynette and Tony are really proud of. I've honestly never heard anybody say a bad word against Andy. In over 20 years of knowing him I have never known him without a smile on his face, apart from at Shoreham Airport on the stag do. And its been a real pleasure growing up with him and an honour being his best man. This speech is getting emotional, look even the cakes in tiers bom bom!! I'd like to make a toast to Andy and Tanyas future happiness

I would also like to thank Dave and Patricia on behalf of myself, the ushers and bridesmaids and all the other guests for making this a wonderful occasion.

Now just 1 last thing – I've got a telegram from someone who can't be here today, its from Stavros theodopodopulous a greek fisher man we met in Rhodes. He says may your love be modern and survive the times yet old fashioned and live forever and he asked if you wanted these back. (Throw Andy the Bart Simpson boxer shorts)