Speech by Matt O’Brien

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Matt O’Brien
Speech Date: 01/09/2014 09:46:30

Well mate, I hope you made the most of your speech. Now you're a married man, that'll be the last time you get to speak for 5 minutes without being interrupted.

Ladies and gentlemen, if there's anybody here this afternoon who's feeling nervous, apprehensive and queasy at the thought of what lies ahead…… it's probably because you have just married Darren Kinsey.

To those of you who don't know me yet. My name is Matt and I would like to thank Darren for finally confirming that I am actually the BEST man!

I did ask for a microphone but was told one wasn't available. So if you can't hear me at the back, the silence from the people at the front should reassure you that you're not missing out on anything.

I read somewhere that a best man speech shouldn't take any longer than it takes the groom to make love. So ladies and gentlemen – I give you Mr and Mrs Kinsey. (N.B> Take drink and sit down).

I'm joking, I'm joking ..… well I hope I am Darren!!!!

It's great to see that everyone is enjoying the wedding today, but I have to say that being best man you get to see behind the scenes – and let me tell you it isn't pretty. Tears, hissy fits, chucking lipstick and mascara all over the place… luckily, I've heard that Nicky was much better behaved than the groom.

Quite clearly, no expense has been spared in creating this wonderful occasion for us all to enjoy. And by the way, please don't worry if you have heard any unusual noises during the speeches..…  it's only Darren’ wallet groaning in agony.

Looking around this packed room, It's great to see people coming from around the country to be here today, it always amazes me how far people will travel for some free food and drink!

Now I'd like to lay down a couple of ground rules. Firstly, no heckling please.  Secondly, the manager spoke to me earlier to request that for health and safety reasons, none of you are to get up on the tables and chairs during my standing ovation.

I would like to start by complimenting the bride on how amazing she looks.

As for Darren, well what can I say, we tried our best……I'm only human. No really ….You don't scrub up too badly mate, although I am slightly annoyed that you copied my outfit!

So anyway, that's the niceties out the way, let's get on with the speech

It was of course a great honour to be chosen as best man. But from the moment Darren asked me it was clear that the best man speech would be the most challenging part of the day. If only because of having to select, only some, from the wealth of embarrassing stories of which I could choose.

So I had to prepare.

I took my standard approach and indeed most men's approach when faced with a problem they know little or nothing about. I bought a book and surfed on the internet.

Now for those of you who have had the pleasure of being best man will understand, the book found its way to the bin almost before I got through the door.

And, as I'm sure I'm not the only bloke in the room who has found far more interesting things to look at on the internet. I drew a blank.

The most reliable source of information would clearly come from the friends and family with whom he would share this special day.

So Darren, I wrote down a few words with which some of them used to describe you.

A great friend (that was mine)

Thoughtful, caring, trusting and charismatic (all very kind words, although some people will say anything with the promise of a free drink)

Tall, bald and hairy (I think that came from one of the tables at the back – thank you very much and an honest and accurate assessment in my opinion).

In fact I barely found a person who had a bad word to say. Although, I did find some………….

When I heard belligerent, lazy, stubborn and obstinate I thought hang on that's a bit rough (maybe not entirely untrue but certainly a bit unnecessary for a best mans speech) ………….but then if his Dad doesn't know him then who does.

On behalf of the bridesmaids and myself, I'd like to thank Darren and Nik for asking us to be involved in the most important day of their lives. I know they've both put a tremendous amount of effort in to the planning of this wedding, especially Nicky, and I can only hope that, apart from this speech, everything else will have exceeded their expectations.

Having accepted the role of Best Man, I'm pretty happy with the way things have gone today. From a Best Man's perspective, everything has gone smoothly.

For starters, I got Darren to the venue on time. He for anyone that knows Darren he also arrived sober … which I am particularly proud of, and most importantly in this time of economic uncertainty, I successfully resisted the urge to post the wedding rings to Cash for Gold and do a runner.

So Well done me! Sorry you are all fine to stand up and applaud me now………..

So where do I start with Darren? Well for starters he's…handsome, witty, intelligent, he's char… char …… charm.… Sorry…Darren .… I'm having trouble reading your handwriting and I am most definitely not saying that next line …… nobody would believe that.

Now I am supposed to use this opportunity to recall embarrassing moments to ridicule Darren. But unfortunately I have just been told that what is illegal in England is still illegal in Scotland and thus, 6 pages of my speech have just been shredded, burnt…………………and fed to the pigs across the fields …..

I first met Darren almost 13 years ago when we were both sampling the delights of the Woodman pub, I have no idea how BUT…… our first contact was a conversation about the Premier League's all time top goalscorer Alan Shearer – Darren said he was the most over rated rubbish player he had ever known, I said Darren was talking absolute bloody crap and was an idiot …….and I am proud to say that we have been friends over since ………

I can also remember fondly our first jaunt abroad – it was 9 years ago now, we went to the lads holiday mecca that is Alvor in the Algarve – I think it had three bars and a restaurant from memory … we went to visit my brother who was working over there, one day Darren and I collapsed hungover on sun loungers on the beach and unfortunately we didn't put any suntan lotion on …

We awoke to find that the sun had moved direction while we were in our comatosed state and Darren now resembled a very long carrot stick, absolutely raw and suffering from nearly 3rd degree burns!! The site of Darren hobbling home after the holiday still makes me, somewhat sickly I guess … still makes me chuckle now

It is impossible to summarise Darren's life, but I would have to say that over those years, he has been the best anyone could hope for in a friend – I'd have to say he's pretty much as good as they come. There's nothing I wouldn't do for Darren, likewise I know there's nothing Darren wouldn't do for me.

In fact, we spend most of our time doing nothing for each other.

I've been told that at School, his sporting prowess was legendary. In fact, when he left he was recognised as having made a major contribution to the Schools football first team..… by sticking to swimming

Before Darren met Nicky, you wouldn't exactly call him the ‘Brad Pitt’ of Macclesfield, more like the armpit.

So when about 3 years ago, whilst we were in the Brock Arms he started telling me about a girl he met at the Airport and that he had then stalked on the plane .… I knew straight away this girl must be special, for one it seemed very much like she had a pulse and had not been blown up by a foot pump which is a massive improvement on Darren's previous conquests.

Nicky, you're a wonderful woman, who deserves a wonderful husband. And I'm not going to rest until I get to the bottom of what's gone wrong here today…….

Moving forward into married life; Darren, you are very lucky, you leave here today gaining a partner who is warm, loving, caring, funny and who radiates kindness wherever she goes!!!

And Nicky, you are very lucky too, you leave here today having gained……………………………..well I guess you have a beautiful dress and some flowers!!!!!

Being happily married myself now for 5 years, I feel I should share my own secret to a long and happy marriage ………………it is by following these 2 simple but very effective rules!

Rule number 1: Whenever you are wrong, just be a man and admit it!

And

Rule number 2 and the absolute most important: Whenever you are right,

………….JUST SAY NOTHING!

If you follow these 2 rules, you won't go far wrong!

On a slightly more serious note, It was a great privilege been asked to be your best man and I hope I haven't let you down. Darren is a very special person to me. He is a great guy and a very good friend. And yes, we've had our differences… but nothing that two lawyers and a judge couldn't sort out. 

I know how much Nicky means to him and that he will always be there for her. Darren absolutely idolizes Nicky and he will make a great Husband and I'm sure they will be extremely happy for many a year to come.

All that remains for me to do is to ask you to charge your glasses, stand and join me in wishing the new Mr & Mrs Kinsey a long, prosperous and happy life together.  

Ladies and gentlemen please raise your glasses – to the Bride & Groom.