Speech by Matt Rowe

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Matt Rowe
Speech Date: sep 2003
Good Afternoon everyone .

Can the people at the back hear me okay? Yes, good then mines a pint of
Stella.

For those of you who don't know me, my name is Matt and I am Andy's best
man. I am sure you'll agree that its been a fantastic day so far, but every
silver lining has a cloud and now you have to listen to me.

First of all Id like to [Thank bridesmades, flowergirl, pageboys and every
other "useful" person in the room]

Jane can I just say that you look absolutely sunning today, you really do
look one in a million, and Andy. Well what can I say, you look like you were
won in a raffle.

When I first got the job of best man, I was quite pleased, and feeling all
the better for the few pints that Tim, Mark and I had all been drinking
earlier in the day. Andy got to the pub and asked me and in this
semi-euphoric state I accepted with great enthusiasm. It was only a few
days later when I started to think. "Hang on, what does a best-man actually
do?" That I started to realise the enourmity of this task. unperturbed I
sat at work and looked around on the internet and came up with a few
guide-lines, they were unexpected to say the least.. A best mans duties
include.

· Helping the groom to dress – He really should be able to do that for
himself by now.
· Making sure he used the toilet – I sent him in there, but I wasn't going
to make sure.
· Make sure his face and hair were okay – Well I ask you! If God couldn't
what chance did I have?
· Make sure there is nothing between his teeth – Or was that his ears,
either way I managed that one.
· Make sure his flies were done up – This is about the point where I gave
up.

When I first saw Andy this morning I asked him if he was a bit nervous, but
he told me that after the beers last night he had slept like a baby.
Basically waking up every two hours and crying for his mum.

I would now like to say a few words about Jane, [look at Jane], but I daren’
t so instead I'll stick to Andy. Jane said to me that If I mention anything
about ex-boyfriends or girlfriends I would be in big-trouble.

This has restricted my material somewhat – So I wont mention Clare Carson,
Kerry-Anne, Lesley Cooper, Big Fiona, Lisa Sutton, Dog-kennel Karen, Emily,
Kelly Smith, Karen Wicks, Jane Holloway, Claire Purdham, Joanna Margate,
Jennifer Andrew, Sharron Jones or anyone else.

She also said that if I mention anything about the new tattoo on her bum she
wouldn't be too happy either so I wont.

Andy was born in 1973, the same year as the disposable lighter was invented,
an invention that in his teenage years he would find indispensable, that and
Rizlas.

And he's getting married today, the same day that saw the birth of John
Glover, the inventor of Sulphuric acid, Farrah Fawcett one of Charlie's
original angels, Pebbles Fintstone the only child of Fred, and appropriately
enough given the theme of today, Data the android character of Star Trek
next generation will be born on February 2nd 2338.

Deaths today include Sid Vicious of the sex pistols in 1979 and Fred Perry
the English tennis star between 34 and 36.

This is also the day that saw the first mens public toilet open in Fleet
street in 1852, the first movie close up of a sneeze in 1883 (im really
streching it hear aren't I) and Frank Sinatra had his singing debut in
Indianapolis in 1940. What a great day, hope you're all enjoying it because
its also Groundhog day, so theirs a chance you will have to listen to all
this useful trivia again tomorrow.

I'm filling time here to try and avoid humiliating Andy too much but I cant
hold back any longer lets get to the nitty gritty.

I asked Andy what he was looking for in marriage; he said love, happiness
and eventually a family. When I asked Jane the same question she replied. A
TOASTER.

As I have just said Andy was born in 1973 and it quickly went downhill from
there, he got his first piercing at the age of 8 months, when Rodney here,
changed his nappy and forced the pin straight through his willy. I am not
sure who to admire most, Andy for not screaming the house down or Rodney for
his absolutely incredible aim.

I first met Andy in 1978, or thereabouts when we both attended Icknield
lower school in Dunstable, along with Nigel Web over there [point to Nigel].
It was a fairy uneventful time during which I had no reason to doubt his
sexuality in any way. But then again this was of course before he started
taking an interest in horses.

We lost contact for a while during his horsey phase and to be honest I am
quite glad about that because I am not sure that Andy was quite the red
blooded male that you see sitting before you now, a little more pink blooded
I am sure you will agree. (Hold up horse picture).

Like I say, I lost contact with Andy for a while at this stage and did not
meet up with him again until 1990 when we were 16 or 17 years old. However,
I wont gloss over this stage like it didn't happen, it did, and being the
ever vigilant best-man that I am I have managed to obtain a few school
reports from his old teachers at Northfields to give you an idea of the sort
of person you see before you.

I am told that his nickname at Northfields was "God" not because he was a
fantastic being omnipresent and worshipped by millions, no, he managed to
get this name due to the fact that he was rarely seen and when ever he
actually did some work it was an absolute miracle.

His school reports read as follows:

Maths : Although very keen Andrew has a distinct problem differentiating
between inches and millimetres, Jane tells me that he still has the same
problem to this day!

Sports: Andrew is unusual in that he has a great love of Netball (well you
all saw the horse picture), but unfortunately he is absolutely useless in
every position. No change there then.

Music: Andrew got on very well with Miss Beaver his music teacher and one
of his final music reports read, Andrew takes a very hands-on approach to
music, but I wish he'd concentrate his efforts on playing the instruments
provided rather than himself, which nicely sums up his teenage years.

Like I said, I met up again with Andy again in 1990, when we both got jobs
in Country house kennels along the A5, a place where you work in conditions
that would probably distress even the employees of Nike. It really was
grim.

We started drinking around the town at about the same time, and it was about
this time that he met up with Mark and Tim two of the heavier drinkers that
I happen to know. "How are you enjoying your one bottle of wine down there
Tim?" (Take a good slug of yours). I got to know Andy very well, you could
almost say like a brother.well more of a mother really when you consider
that I have seen him do. I've seen him:

· Drink from a bottle
· Stagger around naked
· Watched him craw
· Cleaned up after him
· And helped him to walk.

We spent a lot of time drinking around the pubs in Dunstable and I know that
Rodney and Sandra have many happy memories of that time, like when he fell
asleep against the door in the bathroom and they had to wake him up with
coat hangers in order to get in there. And all the late night crashing
through the doors in his size 13 boots. Despite all his efforts Andys never
been a grade A drinker, he can get it down his throat but that's where his
skills end, there were two occasions that stand out in my mind when he came
up on shopping trips to London in order to get more size 13s, the first time
he missed the train home at Kings X and somehow managed to find his way back
to my house despite only ever seeing it once. Apparently he spent half and
hour banging on my door with no response, (well Id had a skin full what do
you expect?) and had to get a taxi 60 miles home. The second time, he
managed to catch the train at Kings X and was so relieved that he fell
asleep and was woken by the guard in Bedford and again had to get a taxi
home.

And another time, again in London but not with me this time, when Andy, Mark
"enjoying your wine there?" [take another slug] and Robbie went down to
celebrate Brookseys birthday, this time they all missed the last train home
and ended up spending the night in Kings X, not a lovely place to be,
especially when it's the middle of winter, when its pouring with rain and
you have no cash. They ended up soaked and freezing round a radiator at
3:00 in the morning and all that Mark and Robbie could think about was
trying not to freeze to death in the train staition which is quite normal
when its zero degrees however all Andy had other things on his mind that
night and apparantly all kept saying over and over again was "I really fancy
a crossaint" — weird, yep, normal no way.

On the job front, Andy soon moved on from the Kennels, and took on a job as
a postman before moving onto his current carrear as an signal man in the
Green Jackets. I think that this may have sorted him out a little as he
managed to do what he has wanted to do since he was 19 years old and that's
to settle down and get married, not your everyday ambition for most 19 year
olds but that's Andy. I don't know how he met Jane as I wasn't there,
indeed I don't really know her quite as well as I should as he kept her
quiet for ages but from what I have managed to piece together and from what
I know about Andy's pulling technique it went something like this..

They met at a club called (???) in Milton Keynes where Andy was
unsuccessfully trying his charm with the ladies, and on one occasion a very
attractive girl walked past (aka Jane), and Andy leaped in and stunned her
with one of his one-liners (say in a drunken voice) "You've got lovely eyes"
, followed straight up with a Mealing classic, "Can I borrow your drink?"
At this point Jane nearly fainted, not because she had fallen head over
heals with love I should expect but more likely she caught sight of his
Darth Vader boxer shorts or his pulling pants as he liked to call them
sticking out at half mast, he then seized the opportunity to pick up an
unconsius female and the rest is history. Happily the pulling pants have
now been burnt and Andys one-liners will never be heard by any unsuspecting
females again.

Nearly there ladies and gentlemen I just have a few cards to read out before
the toast so I'll only be a few more minutes.

[READ THE CARDS]

[Words of wisdom? – ] ß (Note Missed this out in the end)

[Detail evening activities ie the fern room, first dance for picutes and
anything else]

Id just like to say that Andys been a great friend to me over the years and
is one of the most level headed blokes I know, hes always been good for a
laugh and always done the right thing, you can see that now, Andy you're
doing the right thing marrying Jane and I wish you both all the best. Its
been an hounour and a privilege to be your best man.

And now it gives me great pleasure to ask you all to raise your glasses and
share in a toast to Andy and Jane, may you have a long happy and fruitful
marriage. Andy and Jane everybody.