Speech by Matt Spithill

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Matt Spithill
Speech Date: oct 2004
I'll keep this brief because to be honest it is cutting into my fishing time.

Firstly I'd like to thank Alan and Jane on behalf of Kristy, Fiona, Alan and myself for their kind words and presents. Actually, Alan didn't have any kind words for me so I'll take that back…

I think I met a few of you on Thursday night, but for anyone who doesn't know me, apart from being Alan's slightly older, better looking, much richer and wittier brother, I have the dubious honour…sorry, the GREAT honour of being the best man today.

I really have treated being the best man as an honour, but unfortunately it meant that I had to do this speech. I wasn't sure where to start, but someone suggested I have a quick look on the internet.…

Well I only have access at work, and hopefully the IT department hasnt been monitoring me, because after a few hours I'd found some REALLY good stuff….but then I remembered I was supposed to be looking for material for the speech.…

By the way, if anyone is interested I've got the other stuff on a disk in the car…

I did actually find heaps of speeches on the internet, but unfortunately none of them were about a couple called Alan and Jane from Yarrawonga….so it looks like it's up to me after all!

I've decided that now is not the time or the place for embarrassing stories about Alan's sex life…but according to a wedding etiquette book I looked at, the time and place is in 10 minutes time over at the bar.

I must admit I laughed when I looked up the meanings of Alan and Jane's names. Apparently Jane means ‘merciful’ which is very nice, and also scarily accurate given that she is marrying my brother. But I became a bit concerned when I looked up Alan's name. I've always thought Mum and Dad were fairly straight, but they must have been smoking something when Alan was born if they honestly thought that a name meaning ‘handsome’ suited Alan….sorry Alan…

Alan was born on the 18th December 1974. I TRIED to link this to some major world event, but it seems that nothing else happened that day….although APPARENTLY the staff at Manly Hospital STILL call it ‘Monkey Boy Thursday’.

The only other big event I could find was the 1974 Commonwealth Games in Christchurch, where Mark Tonelli won the 100m breaststroke for Australia. Mum must have had the bassinet in front of the tellie during the final, because Alan's been trying in vain to excel at the breaststroke ever since!

To round off the speech, I'd like to say that Alan, in Jane you have found someone that is attractive, smart, funny and loving. And Jane, you have found (shrug) Alan?…

But seriously, I am stoked that my brother has found someone that makes him so happy. I was backpacking around America when Alan and Jane got engaged, and I think I probably bored the hell out of half of Las Vegas when the email came through that Alan was shopping for the ring.

From what I've seen of the 2 of them together, I am sure that they will have a long and happy life together.

So since I'm standing I think it's only fair that the rest of you grab a glass and do the same.

Alan and Jane.