Speech by Matt Surman

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Matt Surman
Speech Date: 09/02/2011 18:39:30

BEST MAN SPEECH

Good afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen, Boys & Girls.

I would just like to start by thanking you all for turning up here today to join Ben & Emma in celebrating their very special day.

Personally, I was hoping for a bit of a ‘no show’ from everyone which would've made my job a hell of a lot easier.

For those of you that don't know me, my name is Matt and I'm the so called ‘Privileged One’ that has been chosen by Ben to be his Best Man.

When Ben asked me to be his Best Man, I was naturally honoured, but that honour soon turned to panic when I realised I had to do a speech. Ben being the considerate friend he is, saw the panic on my face and put a comforting arm around me and said the words ‘Don't worry about it too much buddy, but if you mess it up, it could ruin our whole day’. So for that, cheers mate.

On the flip side though, he did also say that if I did a good job then I can do it all again for his next wedding.

On behalf of Ben & Emma, I would like to say a big thank you to the Bridesmaids & Ushers for their parts today.

I think you'll all agree, when I say that the Bridesmaids all look stunning today and only rightly outshone by the new bride – Emma, who looks fabulous.

And the Ushers who have both scrubbed up quite well, have done a great job of ushering, which has not been easy, especially with the type of crowd we've had here today.

So if I could ask you all to raise your glasses for my first toast which is to the Bridesmaids & Ushers.

TOAST – To the Bridesmaids & Ushers.

I've known Ben for about 18 years now, but back then he was known as ‘Screech’, this nickname was derived from a character of the old TV show ‘Saved By The Bell’ because they both had identical crazy, dark, curly hair which is probably quite hard to believe looking at him now.

It was ‘Screech’ who got me my first job when leaving school which was working with him at Sub-Electro, now this was a small electronics company that made fruit machines & arcade games which was good fun at times, but we just saw it as a pay cheque to fuel our  nights out.

And it was one Saturday morning at work that springs to mind. After one of our nights out, Ben stumbled into work about an hour late looking the worst for wear, he was really pale & looked as though he's stomach was about to give up on him, if you know what I mean – He was hanging!!

He strolled straight over and without even a ‘Good Morning’ he just said ‘Juice’, with that I pointed to my desk & said ‘Over there I've got some squash’, but before I could finish saying that it needs diluting, he was at my desk downing my litre bottle of concentrated blackcurrent squash.

I couldn't contain my laughter when Ben finally realised what he was drinking after downing half of the bottle & spitting most of the rest out. He soon made a sharp exit to the toilets where I think his stomach finally gave up on him.

Since those early days, Scaffolding has been Ben's game, where he has managed to build up his own scaffolding business.

In the early days of the business it took a lot of hard work & long hours, but he stuck it out to achieve what he has now, which is a successful, thriving company.

Now don't get me wrong, Ben is hardly all work & no play. By this I mean, when he's not working he is still always on the go, whether its fulfilling his passion for motorbikes by off-roading in the hills, spending quality time with the family or having a few beverages with the boys.

Now, anyone who knows Ben, will know how he likes the odd beverage or two, and it's this that's led him into quite a few weird & wonderful scenarios & predicaments over the years.

Now I can't stand here and tell you about them all because it'll probably take me most of the night and as I was with him for most of them it would also incriminate me & my impeccable reputation.

So I would just like to mention the one which was on a lad's holiday in Tenerife. 

Now, there were 6 of us that travelled to the party island and Ben & I were roomed together along with Ian (for those who don't know Ian, Ian could you give us a wave). On the first night there we were all getting ready to hit the town when Ben took a real shine to one of Ian's shirts. After begging Ian to borrow it, Ian finally lent it to him to wear out that night but with the strict instructions not to get any cigarette burns on it.

So off we went and a cracking night was had by all. At the end of the night when we decided to head back to the hotel, there was no sign of Ben. With us just assuming he'd been a light-weight and had dropped the shoulder early, we headed back.

Back at the hotel, there was still no sign of Ben, but as we were all drunk & tired we just crashed out for a few hours sleep.

Not much sleep was had when there was a pounding on our hotel room door at about 10 O'clock in the morning. When we opened the door, we were greeted by what can only be described as a very unsavory sight for 1^st thing in the morning.

It was Ben stood there with nothing on except a pair of small skimpy boxer shorts and his shoes & socks. With us being gob smacked, he started to explain how he had left the night club and must have passed out on the beach, only to be woken by the families that were arriving at the beach that morning. And on waking he noticed his wallet, his watch and all his clothes, including the borrowed shirt, were missing , but he was also extremely intent on insisting to Ian that he managed NOT to get any burns on his shirt – where ever it was.

Ben, not having a clue what really happened, tried suggesting that he was probably mugged whilst being passed out on the beach, but the rest of us just put it all down to he's first homo-sexual experience going horribly wrong….

Ben & Emma first got together about 5 years ago where they hit it off straight away or to put it in the words of Ben ‘Emma couldn't get enough of him’.

In Emma, Ben had found a good looking, funny, friendly & very thoughtful person, which just goes to show that opposites really do attract.

A couple years into their relationship, they were both blessed with the arrival of their gorgeous twins – Harry & Molly, which I just have to say both look so cute today.

With the happy little family now taking shape, there was little surprise to me when on Christmas day of 2007, Ben popped the big question and Emma, obviously under the influence of a few Christmas drinks, accepted.

So, with the big day all set and fast approaching, my first duty as Best Man was to organise the Stag Do.

With Ben now being a family man and knocking on into his mid-30’s, I thought this might be a quiet affair, but NO, Ben insisted on a long weekend in Magaluf and with me being more than happy to oblige, the stag party of 13 of us took to the skies and headed for Majorca.

On the Friday after arriving, we decided to fill a boat with crates of lager and headed out to sea for a few hours of drinking & jet skiing.

Then that evening we stumbled into town where we stopped off at a Lap Dancing club where Ben lost all dignity when he was stripped & whipped on the stage by the girls in front of everybody.

The Saturday consisted of a round of drunken crazy golf, followed by more drinking games at the hotel's pool bar.

Then that evening, we stitched Ben right up by hiding his suitcase and leaving him to wear out clubbing that night some tight PVC hot-pants, a pink sleeveless T-shirt, a leather peaked cap and to finish it all off was a gag ball – He looked a right Gimp!

But to be fair to Ben, he took an instant shine to his new outfit and even got his nails painted to match.

I would now just like to mention a few people for their various antics whilst we were away.

Firstly Biff , for his bravery in wearing the Borat Mankini, now this was intended for Ben, but he refused to wear it worrying that he couldn't pack it out so Biff was more than willing to step up.

Next is Mikey, for being so clumsy that on the Saturday afternoon, he managed to slip over in the hotel's pool side toilets, crack his head open and knock himself clean out.

And lastly, for probably the stupidest thing done over the weekend, is the Groom himself, Ben – who at breakfast following the first night out, realised he had lost all his bank cards from his wallet, so he immediately phoned his bank to cancel them only for him to find them later that afternoon in our hotel room all neatly laid out in the FRIDGE!

Now they say how pictures can say a thousand words, so with that in mind, I would just like to share with you all a select few photos from Ben's Stag weekend.

Now I understand that most of you here will know Ben quite well and most of you will also know Emma quite well, but I thought this would be an ideal opportunity for us all to get to know them a little bit better as a couple.

For this I have derived a short game of  Mr & Mrs for the newly weds to participate in, so if I could ask the Bride & Groom to stand together back to back – just to avoid seeing each others answers.

Right, all you have to do is simply answer a few simple questions by raising these bats.

To try to keep your answers as honest as possible, there will be a prize if you manage to match all of each others answers, which is an open bar for you both for the rest of the night and this has been very kindly donated by your 2 generous Ushers – So Cheers Lads!

* Test (if required) – Who's the tallest?

Right then, here goes, a nice easy one to start with:

1. When you're on a night out and you both hit the dance floor, who has got the best dance moves?

2. Which of you would be most likely to forget your anniversary?

3. Which one of you 2 would you say is the easiest to live with?

4. Which of you would you say is the most romantic?

And finally, a bit of a tricky one.

5. On your first holiday together in Majorca, who, after a few glasses of champagne, decided to go skinny dipping in the hotel's indoor pool? And when being caught by hotel staff, then ran naked through the hotel back to your room?

Can you all please give a big hand to the Bride and Groom for being so sporting.

I'm now coming towards the end of my speech, so I'd just like to finish by saying ‘Ben, we've had some excellent times together over the years and I know we will continue to do so in the future. You have been a fantastic friend to me and it has been a great honour to be your Best Man here today and I'd just like to personally wish you & Emma every happiness for your future together’.

So on that note,

Ladies & Gentlemen, it gives me immense pleasure, not to mention relief, to invite you all to stand with me & raise your glasses in a toast to the Bride & Groom, the new Mr & Mrs Clarke.

TOAST – To the Bride & Groom.

Thank you to you all and I hope you enjoy the rest of the day.