Speech by Matt Webb

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Matt Webb
Speech Date: Aug 2001
Thank you Eric for those kinds words. I'm not really sure how to follow that but I do know that Bob would have expected me to thoroughly embarrass Paul in this speech and so I'll try not to disappoint him!

Well it was just over six months ago that Paul asked me to be his best man and I understand from Angie that Paul went through a long and rigorous selection process. He wanted someone who had these 4 qualities:

· Loyal (Well I've supported Kettering town for 30 years. So I must be loyal or mad!)
· Trustworthy (Well I've had the rings for a couple of weeks & I haven't pawned them!);
· Reliable (We both got here on time didn't we);
· And guaranteed not to dish any dirt on him. Well… (shrug) three out of four isn't too bad…

Anyway it's been an excellent day so far and hopefully this speech won't ruin things too much.

I'd like to point out that I am extremely nervous, and Paul did little to calm me down by saying ”if I did a good job at this wedding I could be best man at his next one!”

So in line with tradition I would like to start by thanking Paul on behalf of the bridesmaid, the flowergirl and myself for his kind words. I am sure you will all agree that they both Clare & Charlotte look wonderful today and that they have performed their duties admirably.

As for the happy couple. Well Angela truly looks stunning today and I think the term ‘radiant’ would not be an overstatement – One in a million.

Paul you look like you always do.… Won in a raffle.

THE TASKS OF A BEST MAN
If you hadn't guessed already from the professional delivery of this speech, I've been a best man before. Trust me. It doesn't get any easier, so I thought I'd better get some proper advice on the tasks and duties that I would be expected to perform. So I borrowed a copy of ‘How to be a best man’

The book suggests that on the weekend of the wedding, as best man, I must concentrate on five key tasks.…

Task 1) Bring a cheque book or credit card for those payments that the groom may have forgotten. No problems there… (Show cheque book)

Task 2) On the night before the wedding, make sure the Groom is well looked after and gets a good nights sleep. I am proud to be able to report that Paul slept like a baby last night.… He had about four hours sleep, but kept waking every thirty minutes, crying for his mum.

Task 3) Help the groom dress. A tricky one this, especially with Paul getting ready at his mums house! But you would have thought that a man of 30 plus years would be able to accomplish this simple task himself…

Task 4) Ensure the Groom arrives on time for the wedding service… This was a bit trickier given that I'm a complete petrol head and Paul gave me the keys to the Porsche… So what should have been a simple 7mile journey to the church was actually a round trip encompassing 4 different counties and emptying a whole tank of fuel… still we got here on time with just a handful of speeding tickets!

And finally,
Task 5) Make sure all of the Grooms ex-girlfriends are kept at bay. One of my easier tasks that one.… as since the advent of foot and mouth, most of them have been culled. And those with just 2 legs were too busy celebrating their lucky escape to attend today!

As I said earlier its extremely nerve-racking to be the Best Man, in fact I recently heard the role of Best Man being described as being a lot like an invitation to snog the Queen Mother… its an enormous honour… but nobody wants to do it!

Well I would like to set the record straight and say that I was overjoyed when Paul asked me to be his Best Man. After all I've known him for more than 10 years and Paul is a Best Mans dream groom…

He's had more calamities than Mr. Bean.
He's had more drinking accidents than Oliver Reed.
And he's crashed more cars than Damon Hill.

So, with so much material where do you start…

PAUL – THE EARLY YEARS.

Well Paul was born on Sept 29th, 1966 – a year that was to shape him for his further life.
It was the same year that:
England won the world cup – hence Paul's incredible sporting abilities,
The year the Bee Gee's released their first single – this must be responsible for Paul's taste in music & fashion.
And the year in which the film, ‘Planet of the Apes’ was released. Need I was any more…

So to begin with I thought I describe Paul's formative years at school. So here are a couple of excerpts from one of his school reports. (SHOW FAKE REPORT) It says…

English “This student should go far, and the quicker he starts, the better!”

Maths: “Some students drink from the fountain of knowledge. Sadly Paul only gargled!”

And his form tutor said – Paul was an ideal student, who excelled at many subjects…
I'm sorry I've got that wrong… it actually says…

Paul was idle student, who was expelled from many subjects…

In fact when Paul left school his headmaster said he had high hopes Paul would become some form of Artist. Well those of us at the Stag Night will know what sort of artist Paul has become…

While I'm on the subject of the Stag Night I would like to thank Yvonne & Martin for their hospitality when they hosted Paul Stag night and allowed 30 drunken males to invade their Pub. Paul was adamant that he would find some top quality entertainment for the evening. So he, with the help of Yvonne, scoured the country to find the right sort of act and eventually they found Worcestershire's premier female topless singer… well as soon as she began singing it became apparent why she couldn't get any gigs in Worcester. She had the voice and the body of an angel… Unfortunately it was a hell's angel! Luckily we where spared her taking her clothes off but where tortured for 2 hours by various rendition of The Carpenters greatest hits!

Anyway going back to Paul's early years. It was in his early teens that Paul first gained a passion for fishing – a passion that has stayed with him ever since! It is also hobby that has created so many stories that it would take all afternoon to tell you about…

Well Paul especially asked that I didn't include the story of how his paraffin stove exploded setting fire to his paraffin bottle which in turn set fire to ALL of his fishing tackle. Tent. Rods. Reels. Evidently it was like a scene from “The Towering Inferno”, with Paul kicking everything into the lake in a last ditch attempt to put out the flames.

Well don't worry Paul your secrets safe with me…

Its the story about the first time Paul had ever taken me carp fishing. Paul & Angie had just got back from a holiday in Canada – where Angie had caught a 28lb carp & Paul didn't…

I didn't have a clue, so it had taken me ½ an hour to tie the hook onto the line. In the meantime Paul had his line in the water and was merrily baiting up the water. Anyway out of the bushes jumped a bailiff who said, “ where's your licences boys?” Well never having been fishing before I didn't have a licence and so I thrust the rod into Paul's hands and said, “I'm only here to watch”… so the bailiff turned his attention to Paul. Paul smiled smugly and dug deep into his pocket & pulled out a licence, which the bailiff studied carefully and then said, “Unfortunately we don't accept Canadian fishing licences here in Gloucestershire… and anyway its out of date!” Sweat started to break out on Paul brow & I just started laughing -uncontrollably. We were then ordered off the water & threatened with prosecution. There was even a mention of jail or large fine if Paul couldn't find his licence within 48hrs.… As you can imagine it was a frantic search to find the appropriate paperwork and we have bought licences every year since then…

So as you can tell there is never a dull moment when you are fishing with Paul. When he isn't successful he blames his useless tackle… I hope he doesn't do the same tonight!

ANGIE – STORIES.
Anyway I see many of you nodding off… Fishing stories do have that effect on some people. So I'll change the subject & talk about Paul & Angie's success rate at planning holidays.

As I'm sure you all know unfortunately Paul & Angie's dream honeymoon in Sri Lanka has been cancelled due to the terrorist attack on the Airport last week. But this isn't the first time things have gone wrong with their holiday plans.

One occasion that springs to mind is the time they booked a dirty weekend away.… Whoops I mean an educational & cultural visit to Stratford-upon-Avon. They went to see an evening performance one of Shakespeare's, longer plays. Anyway by the time the play had finished it was very late so they headed off to their hotel for a night of unbridled passion. Unfortunately the front door of the Hotel was locked. Their key wouldn't work and there wasn't a light on in the place. No one could be roused from his or her beds by the constant ringing of the doorbell! So they spent a freezing night in Angie's Fiesta driving from one 24hr petrol station to another.

To make sure the same thing doesn't happen tonight I had a word with the hotel management and they have provided me with a set of keys that they guarantee will open all doors. (Give him a handful of keys) They don't guarantee a night of unbridled passion!

Well Angie is glaring at me. So it must be time to read some of the splendid wedding cards. So sadly there is no time to tell you about the time Paul & I tried to recapture his escaped Iguana armed only with a pair of oven gloves, a fish slice & and a laundry basket! This normally placid reptile went completely mad; it bit us and slashed us with its razor-sharp tail. So like two grown up responsible adults we just ran away to the pub.

Nor is there time for the story about Paul's beloved TVR that he had painstakingly restored over many years and then on the day he finally plucked up courage to sell the car, he drove it straight into the back of Phil's car!

So many stories. So little time…

IN SUMMARY / THE TOAST.
Anyway the cards… (Read out some of the cards).

And the final card was a special one all the way from America for Paul.

Paul- We could have been so good together – Britney Spears!

Well Paul, my final task is give you some advice that will help in this marriage lark. I've been married for 3 –sorry what does that say Jan – oh Yes – extremely enjoyable years and the three top tips that have helped me are:

1. It's important to get on with your mother-in-law. I didn't speak to mine for two years. NOT because I didn't like her… It's just that I think it's rude to interrupt.
2. Never go to bed angry… always stay up and argue!
3. And always remember to use THOSE three little words that are so important in any relationship… YES MY DEAR!

And finally Paul ALWAYS takes the ‘Mickey’ out of me by asking if I can get a PASS for the day if we ever want to go fishing… Well as a married man you to will have to apply for written permission for a day or an evening out! And so I've got a copy of the application form that you will need to fill out EVERY SINGLE time you want to go out.
(SHOW LICENCE)

And in case you don't believe me have a look at how many men had to get their applications signed just to attend today.
(Que. all males holding aloft a copy of the licence…)

THE TOAST.

In all seriousness though, my final words go to the bride & groom. I'm very proud to be best man here today and proud to have friends like Paul & Angie. I'd like to wish you both, eternal happiness together.

So Ladies and Gentlemen, please be upstanding… raise your glasses and join me in a toast to the new Mr. & Mrs. Oxxxxxx – Paul & Angela.