Speech by Matt Wilkinson

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Matt Wilkinson
Speech Date: sep 2004
GET UP
SPEAK UP Keep it Clean there are children about
THEN SHUT UP

Ladies and Gentlemen

I'm Matt, Dave's younger brother and best man today.

Adlib – where and when and why.

On behalf of the Bridesmaids I would like to thank Dave and Terry for their kind words and I'm sure you all agree they do look lovely – but I prefer the Bridesmaids especially Isabel (who looks like she's well up for it)

Now before I say anymore I have few messages to read out. (Read out cards, telegrams, messages etc)

As you all probably know Sandra and Dave have recently moved into a new house with a good bit of land, and I have it on good authority that Sandra would like to keep sheep and perhaps even breed them – more of that later.

I have known Sandra since I was 7 years old, so Sandra has been part of the family for a long time, in fact for years I thought she was another sister.

When Dave and Sandra were making the arrangements for the wedding I was so pleased to here that Sandra would be the one who stayed in the hotel the night before the wedding.

Now, in my experience women excel at many things; multi-tasking (as we are frequently reminded) being one and looking good being another (though if I spent 2 hours getting ready for a night out, I'd probably look that good too). But sense of direction, it seems is one thing women weren't blessed with, and map reading – forget it! Well, Sandra takes this to a new level.

When they first moved into their latest mansion Sandra popped down to the local village to buy food for lunch. 4 hours later, David finally gave up waiting and started munching lettuce leaves.
Meanwhile Sandra is in Tonbridge 20 miles away, map in hand and trying to call home, but with no mobile phone signal at the house, it looks like this could be the start of Dave's new Atkins diet.

Thankfully Dave did the right thing and went to find her for worry, love or just hunger we will never know. But only to discover that in the time, Sandra had miraculously found 2 Next bags, a new coat from Gap and was sporting the latest shoes that she'd seen in Sex and the City.

From this I deduct that “I'm Lost” translates to “I'm shopping”

David, as your financial advisor my recommendation would be that on your honeymoon you go and buy the food for lunch.
Dave confided to me this afternoon that he feels like he has won the lottery, Sandra your numbers are obviously still to come up so I had a bit of a whip round and bought you a ticket for tonight's draw. And if Dave gets in anything like the state he did on the stag do, then you may well be glad of a couple of bonus balls later tonight.

They say that the 1st ten years living together are the worst and as they have been together for over 11 years it‘s going to be all plain sailing from now on and by the way, there is no truth in the rumour that as they have been together for so long, twin beds have been ordered for the bridal suite. You can see that today: Sandra looks stunning, Dave just looks stunned

One of the benefits of having an older brother is they are the ball with all the new fashion trends including the latest hair styles. My first experience of receiving this brotherly knowledge is whilst visiting the hair dressers “clip joint” when I was 6 years old.

Where to my surprise Dave asked to look like the David Soul from the popular 1970s TV cop show, Starsky and Hutch. My recollection of the crime-fighting duo strutting and solving the funkiest of crimes is a bit fuzzy so for the younger audience I've printed some pictures so you can get a feel for the trend.

Now ever cop needs a partner in crime and as Dave is Starsky he needed a hutch. When the salon had eventually found a booster seat the hair dresser created his masterpiece and I became the crime fighting companion. Surprisingly with a 3 inch Afro.

We left the Salon, Dave felt proud. I was confused. We cruised around the High Street. Waiting for the fashion police to arrest under the very bad haircut act of 1983.

For the last 20 years I have been in the haircut shadow of my older brother. Once the Starsky and Hutch trend had finished we moved on to newer trends such as Sonny and Cher, Morecombe and Wise and more recently Ant and Dec. They say revenge is a dish best served cold. I want to look like Beckham so Dave you're the new Posh.

Now for the telegram: Bored Afternoon at work surfing the internet.

And let me finish by relaying an experience a friend of mine had on his wedding day. He told me that after the wedding, in the honeymoon suite, he handed his wife his trousers and told her to put them on.

This she did and said, "I can't wear these they're too big", to which he said, "Exactly, I wear the trousers".

She then threw him her dress, telling him to put it on, to which he replied, "I'm not getting into that", and she came back with "and you never will with that attitude!"

On behalf of the bride and groom, I'd like to thank everyone here for sharing Dave and Sandra's special day, particularly those who have travelled long distances. It has been a great pleasure and honour, to be your best man, so before I start crying.

Ladies and Gentlemen, my throat was dry when I began this speech, it's even drier now… and I can think of no better remedy than to drink a toast.

So please stand and raise your glasses

Here's to Getting Lost, Shopping trips, bad haircuts and sheep
And more importantly love, laughter and happily ever after.

to the new Mr and Mrs. David Wilkinson.