Speech by Matt

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Matt
Speech Date: apr 2003
GREET EVERYONE. WHAT A FABULOUS DAY

Good Afternoon Ladies and Gentlemen,

Well its come to the moment that I¹m sure you have all been waiting for and
I have been dreading.

Firstly, what a fabulous day this has turned out to be so far. Although I
think that it¹s probably going to go downhill pretty sharpish now.

For those of you that don¹t know me, I am Matthew all round amazing guy and
prodigal son of Colin. For those of you that do know me, you can ignore that
last bit.

Well this has got to be the most nerve wracking experience of my life and I
wish that you had all stayed at home and made my job a hell of a lot easier.
But I don¹t think that I¹m as nervous as Colin was last night. He had a
couple of beers then went to bed. This morning he said he slept like a baby.
That explains why I kept hearing him crying and screaming for his mummy in
the night!

Before I go on I would like to thank the groom on behalf of the bridesmaids
for his kind words. I¹m sure you will all agree that they look fantastic and
have done a spectacular job today of helping the bride get ready and getting
her to the church on timeS Even though Pauline knew that the man sat next to
me (Ohello) would be stood waiting at the alter.

I would also like to thank our young usher and pageboy for doing excellently
and friends and family who have helped this wedding ship sail smoothly.

Right, what can I say about my dad? Well over the past 25 years he has been
like a father to me!

He has also be like all other dads and has been a constant source of
embarrassment and torment.

In particular doing the infamous Odad dance that all parents seem to know
how to do and only seem to do really badly at the most public occasions.
Example 1The classic walking backwards with you thumbs out look at me son. I¹m
dancing!!
And I¹m sure that you will all get a chance to see more than one example of
it later.

But he's also Lincolnshire's answer to Jeremy BeadleS Playing practical
jokes on people and usually at their expense and pain. Most notably was when
I was a kid, he gave me a metal bar and the sound advice that if I touched
the electric fence with one hand whilst holding the metal pole in the other
with it touching the floor, then the volts of electric wouldn't harm me.
Right What felt like 50 thousand volts passed through my body and I just
remember dad howling with laughter as my young life flashed before my very
eyes.

Or the time he gave a friend a Sugar beet and told him it was a Scandinavian
Turnip. Although I believe it went down quite well with his Sunday dinner
Just a little bit sweet.

So you would have thought I¹d use these precious few minutes to get revenge
on my dad for all those years of embarrassment But I wouldn¹t do anything
like that.

(Put up big picture of him his Speedos sporting a nice 80’s tache.).

It¹s not only me he has caused grief and torment to over the years Oh no!!!
All walks of life have been effected by my dads wicked ways Including
animals.

Like the time he thought it would be funny to show off his horse riding
skills on what was little more than a baby pygmy donkey. Colin jumped onto
his trusty steed, and with a quick kick into its sides, Donkey proceeded to
hurtle round the field like white lightening whilst Colin clinged on for
dear life.

But this time the animal in question survived it's meeting with Col.

Let me introduce you to Henrieta
(Bring out chicken cutout and light a candle
PLAY THE OUR TUNE THEME)
Henrieta was a lonely chicken. She had noone to look after her and her
fellow hens had ousted her from the flock. Then one day she spotted a
potential friend Colin.
Colin took his feathered friend under his wing. For weeks they¹d spend all
day in each others company she'd watch Colin work and he would give her the
attention she longed for.

But one day things took a turn for the worse. As Colin was hard at work
henrieta was, as usual, laid at his feet.

Colin climbed up onto his Car lift where he had a vehicle raised 6ft in the
air. As he worked away on the lift Henrieta laid and watched But she was
soon to feel the weight of the world on her shoulders.

Colin jumped off the lift and landed on her.
She didn¹t survive. But who would.
You know that story could have been a whole lot worse. Colin could have been
caught choking it!!

Well what else can I tell you about colin, apart from him being on the
RSPCA¹s most wanted list. He's an avid snooker player and has been attending
his snooker club for many many years now.

So when I was trying to find out information on Colin, I went to the Snooker
Club and asked if they had any stories about my dad.

There wasn¹t any stories they could tell me but they did tell me one thing.
That his favourite trick was to screw the white into the pink and leave
brown on the bottom cushion.
Now I don¹t know if this reflect his bedroom antics and I don¹t really want
to know.

Col¹s also an occasional drinker He'll have a drink at any occasion.
But as the wedding has drawn closer Pauline and Colin have limited there
drinks to two a night. Colin will have two cans of lager and Pauline will
have two bottles of baileys Only joking pauline.

There was the exception though of the Stag Do. I think dad had a little more
than two pints that night. After a pint or few we was walking down
Scunthorpe High Street on our mission to the next pub. Things were getting a
bit rowdy when two police officers stopped us and asked us who we were. Well
non of us wanted to give our real names. I looked up at the shops and said
"My name's Austin Austin Reed. Then another friend of my old mans looked up
and said "My name is Mark Mark Spencer anyway Colin was next. And when the
police asked him for his name he said "It¹s Ken".
"Ken what?" asked the Policeman.
"Ken Tuckyfriedchicken" replied Colin.

Then there was the strippers my dad asked for. They wasn't cheap but finally
I did manage to get the Dreamboys. You haven¹t seen Colin so excited. The
phrase "Kid in a toy shop" springs to mind.

Right know I have a few messages to read

Colin Little Timmy and me will see you in court you lying son of a BSS.. OK
Think we'll leave that one.

Colin we could have been so good together.
Love the Dreamboys.
Pauline we could have been good together.
Love the Dreamboys.

This one¹s from the Queen. Congratulations on your wedding sorry I couldn¹t
be there but I wasn¹t invited.

I was speaking to Pauline¹s Mum earlier and she said she thought it was
strange how history repeats itself. Many years ago she was putting Pauline
to bed with a dummy and now the same things happening again.

As I come to a close I would honestly say that you have been a great friend
and an even greater dad. It has been a honour to be your bestman today You
deserve all the happiness in the world and in Pauline you have found the
person to give you that happiness.

Pauline¹s a wonderful person and she deserves a good husbandS So thank your
lucky stars that you got there first. Seriously Dad you¹re a lucky groom in
Pauline you found someone who is smart, warm, funny and loving. Pauline
you¹ve found Colin.

Right on that note. It gives me great pleasure, not to mention relief, to
ask you to raise you glasses to Colin and Pauline. The Bride and Groom.

RIGHT I¹M OFF FOR A LIE DOWN

END.