Speech by Matthew Hill

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Matthew Hill
Speech Date: jan 2003
BEST MANS SPEECH – MATT HILL 17 AUGUST 2002.

I always thought that following a speech by Graeme would be difficult, and I was right I couldn't follow a bloody word! So on behalf of the bridesmaids and ushers I would like to thank Graeme for …..erm…..Whatever he just said.

It is customary at this point for the best man to say a few kind words about the Groom……In the absence of a few kind words I will say a few words about Graeme.

Before I start I would just like to echo everyone's sentiments by saying that Karen you look absolutely stunning. Graeme on the other hand you just look absolutely stunned.

In fact this must be quite a nostalgic time for Karen's parents and its funny how history repeats itself. Only last night at the BBQ Your parents were commenting that it has been 20 odd years since they last put you to bed with a dummy.

There are 3 main roles that I had to fulfil as a best man. The first was to get him here on time. The second was to get him here looking presentable with his face and hair in good order. Unfortunately God didn't get this right first time around so what chance did I have. My third task was to ensure that no angry ex girlfriends showed up impromptu to spoil the ceremony. Thankfully due to last year's outbreak of foot and mouth that is no longer a consideration.

I have known Greame or Oz as he likes to be known for 20 years – my god it's a sobering thought to think that I have known anyone for 20 years. Anyway ever a self effacing lad his first words to me as he walked boldly across to join us on the football pitch on his first day at a new school were ‘Hi I'm Graeme, but you can call me Oz’ Not 5 minutes after that we were fighting but I am glad to say that that was the first and last time that we have ever come to blows – that said I haven't finished this speech yet….…

Continuing along the football theme Graeme's dad was telling me the other night about a time when he and Russell were nine or ten years old. It was two days before they were due to go on holiday and boys being boys they were playing football in the hall. Ken asked them to stop as they might break something, again boys being boys they completely ignored this and carried on. Russell consequently hit a shot over the bar as it were, knocking a china plate off the wall hitting Graeme on the head. Off to casualty 4 stitches and a holiday interrupted by trips to a local hospital to have the stitches removed were the result. An interesting addendum to this story of Graemes footballing prowess was found when we unearthed one of Graemes old School reports. Brian Price our old PE teacher commented that Osborne was useless in every position. Hopefully Karen will have more luck!

Thankfully football was not the career that Graeme chose, and I think that it is safe to say that he has made the right career choice. He has in fact become annoyingly successful moving from a clerk's job with Go Plant, to running his own successful business as a software installer. In fact, these days, his salary seems to increase every time he reaches a new weight, so I wouldn't recommend a diet anytime soon mate.

Aside from his business success the other 2 successes in Graeme's life have been Karen (of course) and his Music. At the age of 15 when he worked weekends at the motorway services for extra cash he came home one day announcing to his parents that he had purchased a guitar. When they enquired as to the cost he casually replied £700. He was earning about £15 per week at the time so after his parents had picked themselves up off the floor he assured them that he would meet the commitment. He did and on a serious note that guitar has been signed by Brian May (where is he) hello Brian, and is now of great sentimental value to Graeme. This was also the first demonstration of his single-mindedness to get what he wants.

No best mans speech would be complete without some tales from the stag do. You should have a fairly good idea about it from the pictures outside. If I can just share 1 scene with you and this was at the paint ball session. Try to picture a woodland scene with everyone in Camouflage gear and then picture a man in the middle of a wood in a bright blue baby gro outfit. Add in the fact that everyone knew he was the stag on a stag do and it wont take much of a leap of imagination to understand why graeme came off looking like he had a bad case of the measles. There were many memorable moments and one other that sticks in the mind was the fancy dress limousine ride into Burton on Trent. The Limousines got a few funny looks with the a remarkably good impression of Queen Elizabeth waving out of one side window and the highlander with red hair and a Pakistani accent brandishing a sword and leaning out of the other window.

On a sincere note I would just like to thank Graeme for asking me to be his best man…..and thank him for his friendship over the years. You can count true friends on one hand, these being people who would drop whatever they are doing and do whatever they can to help you out. I remember when I lost my first job, Ozzie was there, when I had my first big brake up, Oz was there to console me, When I had my climbing accident last year Oz was there to help me, In fact come to think of it Ozzie you are a bloody Jinx!

So a successful businessman, a hit with the ladies, funny, a talented musician and a great friend, Graeme Osbourne is in fact none of these. What I am sure he will be though is a good husband to Karen and it is great to see the two of you making this commitment to each other and I know that you will be very happy together. I have no experience of marriage myself, but if I can give each of you a bit of advice that I have read:

Karen remember that men are like fine wine, they start off like grapes and it is your job to stamp on them in the dark until they turn into something that you would like to have dinner with. On the other hand Oz Women are also like fine wine, they start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full bodied with age before going all sour and vinegary, eventually giving you a headache. I didn't write that honest!!

Before I raise a toast to the bride and groom I have a few cards to read out.…

Ozzie -how could you do this to me after the time that we had in Spain – Julian Clary.
Karen – congratulations to you both have a great honeymoon and we look forward to seeing you back at work – All the girls from the Spearmint Rhino club
Ladies and gentlemen I'd like to raise a toast to the bride and groom, may they both live as long as they like and have all they like for as long as they live – Graeme and Karen