Speech by Matthew Johnson

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Matthew Johnson
Speech Date: oct 2004
Mathew's Best-Man Wedding Speech

Is this on?

Can everybody at the back hear me? Yeh? Ok, I'll have a pint please.

Does my voice really sound like that?

Ladies, Gentlemen…Work Related-Acquaintances, HELLO, my name is Matthew and I am the Best Man, though just today and only with regards to the wedding unfortunately.

Now, I'm going to keep this short as I need to go to the toilet..…

*IF THEY SPOKE BEFORE*
I'd like to begin by thanking Clive and Stephen for their kind words, and again thank everybody for coming today.
I know that a lot of you have travelled a long way to be here
…and it's amazing what some people will do for a free meal!

But it was a gorgeous dinner, the ceremony earlier was beautiful, and Stephen and Louise looked lovely standing up there earlier taking their vows… believe me, I had a good view.

Before I enter into my speech proper, I'd just like to mention that as Stephen's brother and young playmate, I spent my formative years in his company, under his influence, nurtured by his wisdom, so if the humour in this speech (if any) fails to hit the mark, blame him! Not that it was a one-way influence; I mean, he has always dressed like me, even today!!

Nevertheless today I had to play the big brother. It was my job to make sure that Stephen got here today, in one piece, preferably on time, and as you can see, he made it. Apart from this important task, the best man's duties are numerous and diverse; obviously one of the most important is ensuring the Grooms’ respectable appearance … but unfortunately I can only work with what I've got!…though I hope you will agree, he has polished up quite nicely.

And you will all agree that Louise looks stunning, (which in fact is quite a coincidence, as Stephen looked pretty STUNNED this morning when he finally dragged himself out of bed); and we can thank Sarah the beautiful Bridesmaid, for all that she has done, especially in getting Louise here with the knowledge of what might be waiting for her. You both look gorgeous, though I am glad that you are wearing different outfits as the likeness is quite confusing … I hope that YOU wont have that problem now that you are married Stephen.

You may all have realised by now that but the seating arrangement was actually decided after the wedding gifts were received…so can I say thank you on behalf of Stephen and Louise to all of you at the back for the LIGHBULBS. Though I don't know how I got up here, I gave them a BIN! Which, worryingly Stephen thought may be more useful to me…after he heard this speech last night!

As some of you may know, Stephen met his most valuable wedding gift, Louise, whilst at Butlins in Minehead, and the groom has confidently assured me that it was in the year, or years, 1996/1997, an unforgettable date for him, obviously. They were both there separately on holiday, (no, contrary to what you may have heard, Stephen was NOT a redcoat at the time…if any of you have seen the pictures on the internet, that was just his youthful flamboyance). And despite the fact that he was there with his mates all in various states of intoxication, she fell for his boyish good looks and cheeky smile. [looking at Stephen] There it is.

Who knows what may have happened if he had chosen to go to Bognor instead?-the name itself brings unpleasant alternatives to mind…though I have heard that Louise spent her Hen night there, not looking for a last minute upgrade I hope!

They survived the difficulties of a long-distance relationship, and it is only recently that Stephen has been calling Birmingham his home; perhaps it is a coincidence, but it is only recently that I have been able to use the phone; though actually, that would also explain the volume of calls on the itemised bill to the Everton F.C hotline! (I suppose it is better than watching them though!! I think the guys from the stag do know what I am talking about…what was the score again?)

Being Stephen's younger brother, if you can believe it, I have known him longer than most people, but I think that he chose me to be his best-man because of my loyalty, strong sense of morality, accomplished history of public speaking (obviously) … and because of the fact that I have not been present at his more, compromising situations of adolescence. As the younger brother, it puts me at a serious disadvantage with regards to this occasion; to my innocent eyes his life has been one of curly locked bicycle riding and hearty games of football in the park…and perhaps not much has changed?

HOWEVER

I have done some research in this area, and have received some helpful information from his mates by e-mail and the spoken word, which is all documented HERE.

[drop large wad of paper onto table]

but there is no way that I am reading all of this out now. However, if anyone is interested, I will be at the bar later and the price for a look is a pint.

Or if you prefer Stephen, you can have this for the price of one pint per episode…cash upfront please.

But this HEAP of incriminating evidence aside, Stephen was a well-behaved young man, who worked hard and always adopted a professional attitude. In fact, when I began working at his former employers myself a couple of years ago, they had nothing but praise for him. He was even compared to something of a God in the workplace.…

He was rarely seen and if he did any work it was a miracle!!

Where I do have the ability to divulge information though is on his childhood years, and his transition from a rosy-cheeked urchin into the smooth shaved urchin you see before you today.

In his younger days he was a keen fan of Rick Astley and, worryingly, The Pet Shop Boys, but now he has now moved on to the more cultured sounds of Duran Duran, well I don't know about you, but I can't wait for the disco. Not really, I'm just kidding…he hasn't chosen the music!

But all joking aside, he has been a great brother; he was a pleasure to live with, and his company will be missed by us all… however, on the bright side, now that he has moved out I have an extra room to store all my belongings in, thanks Steve.

I may I clean around first though, not that Stephen is particularly dirty or anything, it is just that I am familiar with some of his more interesting night time antics and don't want to take the chance.

I think our dad's sock drawer was an innocent victim of such behaviour, and may perhaps never recover its former glory. I feel it my duty to warn anyone who may be staying here at the hotel tonight, that as there will be celebrations taking place, I recommend you to lock your doors, or at least to place your personal effects somewhere safe…preferably waterproof. My conscience could not rest easy if everyone had to leave tomorrow with musty underclothes, or worse!
*I think more than one person here knows what I am talking about*

Traditionally, it is my duty as best man to presumptuously offer the bride and groom some advice from my personal philosophy on marriage. But never having been married, nor having been to many weddings, or even knowing that many married people (family members excluded), I feel less than an authority here.

But as luck would have it, my researches have led me to a publication called ‘The Good Wives’ Guide’, which is basically a practical and informative guide of how to live in harmony with your partner.

It may be a bit dated, (having been written in the 1950s), but I think that we should give it a chance. [read printed sheets]

[after reading the ‘Guide’]

Well, there are a number of ways you could interpret that advice, but I think that it is as true and helpful today, as it ever was, and I will leave you to judge for yourselves.

[hand printed sheets to brother] You can keep that if you like.

Now, there are a couple of messages that have been sent by people who could not be here today.

[read legitimate messages first]

This one says: “Congratulations on your marriage, I trust that your purchases did the trick? Please can you come into the shop ASAP and settle your remaining bill as your credit limit has now been reached,
Lots of luck in the future, don't be a stranger,
signed,
Anne Summers.
(who she is??)

And lastly: Ah, this one is from Waterstones bookshop: they say that the copy of ‘The Good Wives’ Guide’ has arrived and is ready to be picked up.

Now comes the serious part of the speech, the toast.

Firstly, I would like to mention our grandparents, who haven't been able to attend today, though I know there was nothing they would rather have done. They are certainly missed, and I think that if Stephen and Louise can live together so long and as happily as our Nan and Granddad, then they will be the happiest, and luckiest of couples.

So, can I ask you all to be upstanding to toast the bride and groom and wish them all the happiness for the future:

Stephen and Louise.

FINIS