Speech by Matthew Keeble

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Matthew Keeble
Speech Date: Nov 2008
Good evening ladies and gentlemen. Firstly, on behalf of the bridesmaids, who themselves are only upstaged today by the bride herself, may I thank Mark for his toast. I'm sure it was fantastic. To be honest I was busy trying to come up with a way of getting out of doing this while he was talking so I haven't got a clue what he said.
For anyone who wants to make my job a bit easier then please feel free to daydream about the Christmas presents you still need to buy and just laugh a bit when you hear a pause.
Firstly may I just say how stunning Rachel looks today. And Mark, you don't look to bad either.
Can I also thank my counterparts, the ushers, for doing a fantastic job of getting you to your seats today. As a part of me agreeing to be best man it was agreed that the ushers wouldn't look better than me. So, thanks lads for a job well done there.
For those of you who don””t know me my name's Matt and I have the great honour of being the best man for Mark today.
At first I was terrified at the thought of doing this speech today, but then I realised that nobody else could stand where I am and feel more proud or honoured to have been asked to be Mark's best man on this, the most important day of his life.
So being a true Yorkshireman I figured the best place to find free advice on writing a speech would be on the internet. After a couple of hours searching I'd found some really interesting stuff. Then I remembered that I was supposed to be looking for best man tips.
When I finally got round to looking at speeches that other best men have given I realised that there's only about ten different jokes that everyone seems to use. So if you””ve been to another wedding recently, or ever in fact, then I apologise in advance for my lack of originality.
I first met Mark when he joined our school at the age of thirteen. And it's must be true when they say that opposites attract, because Mark was into rugby, cricket, history, military stuff and Sunderland. And, to put it simply, I wasn't into any of those things, especially the last one.
All I can say is that we must have been brought together by our love of the greatest band of the 90”s. No, not Take That, of course I mean Oasis.
Both that and a joint enjoyment of the great outdoors. I can remember the first time we did the Yorkshire Three Peaks when we were 16. Eleven hours, three mountains and 27 miles later I said never again, yet somehow, 12 months later there we were again. And then, about 2 months after that he'd somehow convinced me that I really wanted to complete the Lykewake walk. 42 miles across the Yorkshire Moors in one day, how did I ever think that was going to be fun?
But Mark does have a knack of convincing people to do things they later regret. Rachel, I'm sure in a few years you'll know what I””m talking about.
As I said before, I didn't know Mark for much of his childhood but I did hear someone once say that he was a very ugly baby. So much so in fact that Moira only had morning sickness after he was born.
I also asked some people what they thought were Mark's biggest qualities, positive or negative.
So on here we have, handsome, successfully, witty, intelligent., sorry Mark I'm struggling with your handwriting a bit here.., oh, and good in bed. Obviously I'm unable to comment on that last one.
We also have, lazy, untidy, grumpy. I though, that's a bit unnecessary for a best man””s speech, but then if his parents don””t know him, who does?
Has anyone ever had the job of organising a stag do for a member of the armed forces? I was told that we weren't allowed to go paintballing as it was too much like his day job. So what else could we do? Tank driving? A survival weekend? So we ended up going karting and Paul, after seeing the way he drives, I'd be seriously thinking about taking him off the insurance on the Civic.
Oh and just a quick note.If anyone””s heading to a different hotel later tonight then please don't ask mark for directions and he””s not best known for his navigational skills. I can remember once a few of us took part in the British schools orienteering championship down in the Forest of Dean. Having previously lived in Bristol and spending a lot of time in that very forest Mark was naturally very confident and I seem to remember him saying &ampquotI know this forest like the back of my hand&ampquot. Suffice to say that he got lost on the 1st stretch and ended up almost last.
As well as doing my best to embarrass Mark I also had the task of making sure that he turned up at the church on time today and that his hair and face looked their best. I think we””ve done a decent job with the hair, but I just had to give up with the face.
I was also told that I should offer Mark some word of advice on married life, so I asked around various married couples and came up with the following words of wisdom:
Firstly, establish who's boss. Then do everything she says.
Secondly, whenever you're wrong just be a man and admit it. And whenever you're right just don't say anything.
And finally, never worry that Rachel's going to leave you. She””s invested a lot of time in training you up and she's not going to throw that away lightly.
Just look at them. their love still seems so pure and simple, Rachel so pure, Mark so simple.
Can I just take this opportunity to say how I've really enjoyed being able to talk for the last few minutes without being interrupted by my fianc&#233e. I know that'll be the last time that happens until my own wedding.
Mark, you know yourself how lucky you are to have found someone as caring, loving and committed to you as Rachel is and may I wish you many years of happiness together.
And, so finally, can you all please be upstanding, raise you glasses as I would like to propose a toast to the Bride and Groom, the new Mr and Mrs surname, Mark and Rachel.