Speech by Matthew Knowles

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Matthew Knowles
Speech Date: aug 2001
Mr and Mrs Knowles, Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls, I'm only going to speak for a couple of minutes because of my throat. If I go on too long Richard has threatened to cut it.

I've been told that the Best Man's speech serves to give those present at the Wedding an introduction to the Groom. You won't all know him very well, and by the time I've finished this speech you may wish you didn't know him at all. It's just that the speeches I have heard, without exception, blatantly and disgracefully set out to demolish the character of the groom – and frankly I can see no reason why this speech should be any different.

In my role as best man I tried to ensure Richard got a good night's sleep last night. I've been told that he slept like a baby – he kept waking up every half hour crying and asking for his mum.

Somebody more philosophical than me once said that being asked to be a best man is like being asked to snog the Queen Mother – It's a great honour but no one really wants to do it. But I'm different. No I don't want to snog the Queen Mother; but I do want to be Richard's Best Man. Well I did until I stood up anyway.

It is an honour, albeit the most terrifying experience of my life, to be asked to be best man here today. I've always been proud to be Richard's brother and I'm even more proud to be his best man today.

I don't really remember the first time I met Richard, seeing as I was less than 2 years old at the time. I am told he was little, bald and a bit dribbly, though. Well he's grown up, has hair – though maybe not as long as our Mum would like it – and, provided he doesn't have too much to drink, we should be OK on the dribbling front too.

I think that my duties as Best Man to get Richard here;
· ON TIME, which is a first.
· SOBER, which is unusual.
· AND SMART, which is unheard of. Have been successful.

I believe marriage is a wonderful thing. Marriage will teach Richard loyalty, self-restraint, and control, it will develop in him a sense of fair play and many other qualities he wouldn't need if he had stayed single…

However given that the only reason I agreed to be the best man was to embarrass him a bit in public (contrary to our Mother's wishes) I suppose I can remember a few things for you all.

He's always been an easy target. Our Uncle Steve won us a bow and arrow set from Hull Fair when we were kids. Richard never got near it unfortunately. Well that's not strictly true, he did get quite close to the arrow that I fired at the apple on top of his head. For some reason Mum chose to snap it all in half and bin it before he had a go. So at least he's getting a go at this wedding lark, I'll try not to mess this up for you mate.

Unlike Richard, Emma is kind, generous and makes a beautiful bride. Apparently someone had a word with her last night to explain some of the most important features of the ceremony;
1. Aisle. As it is the longest walk you'll ever take
2. Altar. The place where 2 become 1
3. Hymn. A song of joy after the marriage is proclaimed
This may explain why a number of you heard her chanting "Aisle, Alter, Hymn" under her breath on her way down the aisle.

Emma makes a beautiful bride Richard and she deserves a good husband. So thank God you married her first, before she found one.

Marriage is a splendid thing, it takes work and patience, never take it for granted. In fact my message to you Richard is that you need to be committed. Fortunately I have 2 doctors outside ready to sign the forms

I could not have asked for a better brother and friend than Richard. He has always been there when I needed him and always seems to have the right advice. I hope I have been even half as good a brother to Richard as he has been to me.

If we could have a bit of a solemn moment please. Emma, can you place your left hand on the table please? Richard, can you place your hand on top of hers please? Thank you. Please everyone if we could witness this touching moment. This is officially the last time Richard will ever have the upper hand for the rest of his life.

Seriously though, I do hope Richard knows how lucky he is. Not only has he found a beautiful wife who completes a wonderful couple but he's also found someone who wants to live with him for the rest of his life. I managed 19 years and that's more than enough for me! Good luck Emma! And I hope he realises that the key to a happy marriage is three little words, yes my dear.

On behalf of the bride and groom, I'd like to thank everyone here for sharing their day, particularly those who have travelled long distances. On behalf of myself, I wish you'd all stayed at home because things would have been much easier on me.

I've also received a few messages from people who couldn't be here today.

The first is from the lads at football: We've found Richard to be useless in every position. Hope Emma has more luck. Congratulations.

The second is from Leeds United Football Club: Emma enjoy this Saturday with Richard. From August he's ours.

I started planning this speech 6 months ago, and you must all feel like I've been delivering it equally as long. But now it gives me immense pleasure (not to mention relief) to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses in a toast for Richard and Emma, Mr and Mrs Knowles no less. We wish them well for the future, and hope they enjoy a long and happy marriage. May your love be modern enough to survive the times, and old fashioned enough to last forever and may your joy be everlasting, and may your pain . . . be champagne . . .
Ladies and Gentleman, Richard and Emma…