Speech by Matthew Tripodi

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Matthew Tripodi
Speech Date: jan 2003
Hello all, for those of you that don't know me, I am Darren's younger brother Matthew. It is a tremendous honour and a privilege to be Darren's best man today.

This is the first time I have ever been a best man at a wedding. A few friends of mine that have been in this position before advised me that, to keep the crowd interested, my speech should only last as long as it takes to make love…So I think I've gone past my allotted time already.

I would just like to begin by thanking both Dad and Phil, on behalf of the Bride and Groom, for their kind words. I always thought that it would be a really tough job to follow their speeches, and I was right, I couldn't follow a bloody word!

Actually, Phil and Darren have something in common today. It's the first time that Phil has been able to speak for more than two minutes without interruption from the women in his life, and its the last time that Darren gets to do the same.

Congratulations Darren and Karen. Karen you look extremely beautiful, and I'll think you all agree that the bridesmaids, Antonetta and Michelle, look lovely and have done a great job of taking care of Karen today.

Darren and Paul you also look fantastic, but I'm a bit pissed off that you copied my outfit!

Thank you also to the three gorgeous ushers for all their help. Just between you and I, I reckon that the one in the orange dress is a hottie!

Now, if I were to follow tradition, I would delve into the lesser known stories of Darren's life and bring up things about ex-girlfriends and other indiscretions. In preparing for my speech, I actually tried to contact some of Darren's ex-girlfriends, but, unfortunately, mad cow disease saw most of them put down last year.

Instead of the usual character assassination, I thought I'd tell you a little about Darren and Karen's time together. Given that they have rhyming names, I thought what better way to do it than with a poem.

So here goes…

Not so very long ago, Darren was a bachelor living all alone
And Karen was a single lass, a Dance School she did own

Now in looking for the ladies Darren rarely got off his bum
so it's no great surprise to hear that their first date was set up by our mum

Yes, mum often saw this lovely girl that came into the bank
and mum was concerned that on his own all Darren did was waa….work.

So phone numbers were exchanged and pick up lines were used
But knowing this was between my mum and her leaves me quite bemused

Darren waited a while to make the call so as not to seem a stalker
But when he did, oh my god, did he find out, was she a bloody talker!

During the call Darren made a nice hot cup
It wasn't to calm those nerves inside, but because he couldn't shut her up!

Well the first date was arranged and Karen said "I'll come to your house chap"
But the date almost didn't happen ‘cos, like every other female I know, she couldn't read a map

Now Dad and Mum had always taught us to take a girl out somewhere proper
but Darren though, thought "Bugger it, I'll take her to see the movie ‘Chopper’"

On that first date, and those thereafter Darren worked his charms
But we all know what Karen liked, yes those big strong muscly arms!

Darren travelled regularly so to keep the flame alight.
It was plane trips on weekends and phone calls every night.

Since Darren's travelling days have waned Telstra shares have fallen.
And Ansett has gone belly-up, ‘cos they're not flying or calling.

Now time went by and how its flown
And over this time their love has grown

And now today they've made a pact, for better or for worse.
‘cos Darren couldn't do any better, and frankly Karen couldn't do any … better either.

And Darren, despite those butterflys, this is the best day of your life.
I'm sure it is, it must be so, I heard it from your wife.

Now anniversary dates are special, Daz don't be a dunce.
The best way to remember it, is to forget it just that once.

And history repeats itself, for Karen's Dad and Mummy
For years ago, and again tonight, they send her to bed with a dummy.

I promised not to go on to long or to act the goat
Cos if I did the Bride and Groom said they'd cut my throat.

So the time has come, it's sad but true, for me to cease this roasting
And get on with formalities by ending with the toasting

The Bride and Groom thank you all, and I think it's fair to say
That they really do appreciate your presence here today.

Please grab your glasses and hold them out
Darren and Karen
you don't marry the person you can live with,
you marry the one you cannot live without.