Speech by Matthew Wicks

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Matthew Wicks
Speech Date: jun 2003
I'm going to have to keep this speech short on account of my throat.
Alison has threatened to cut it if I say anything too rude.
Before I start the traditional groom character assassination I'd like to
thank you all on behalf of the bride and groom for sharing their
wedding day especially those of you that have travelled long distances.
On behalf of the bridesmaids Kirsty, Claire & Hannah, I'd like to thank
Matthew for his kind words. I have to agree that they look absolutely
fantastic and have done an excellent job today in assisting Alison. I'm
sure all of you, would also like to join me in thanking all of those
involved in organising today, especially the parents, who without you
none of this could ever have happened.
I don't think I was ever formally asked to be best man it just kind of
happened, when almost 6 years ago Matthew called me to say he's
got engaged. I think the conversation was along the lines of "Wicksy,
I'm engaged, you'll be best man" and that was it.
I thought great, stag night, strip him, tie him to a lamppost, shave his
eyebrows, usual stuff. Anyway things stumbled along, yet it was only
about a month ago I realised what the job entailed, standing up in front
of you lot for one.
In choosing his best man, I understand that Alison and Matthew went
through a long and rigorous selection process. The person selected
was to be a formidable character.., Reliable.… and Trustworthy…Failing
that! It looks like they had to settle for me!!!! BUT Matthew did mention
if I do a good job this time, I can be Best Man at his next wedding!….…
I'd like to think that one of the reasons Matthew asked me to do this is
because I can be trusted to not say anything embarrassing about him.
Before I completely betray that trust I'd like to say a few words about Alison
We can all see just how stunningly beautiful she looks today. She's a
lovely person and deserves a good husband. I have a great deal of
respect and admiration for Alison. For those that don't know, she's a
hotel restaurant supervisor and has to deal with disasters and temper
tantrums every day – and that's just with Matthew.
As some of you know, I've been reading a book on how to successfully
perform a best mans speech, it said embarrassing photos of the groom
are a good ice breaker. So I decided to ask Julia his mum if she had any,
she replied, "What when he was a kid showing his willie" Well I was
going to enlarge the photo for you all today, but there isn't a company in
Britain which can blow it up large enough so you can actually see anything.
Some of you may remember the year of 1976. A year which not only saw the
invention of the advanced computer microchip, but also had the hottest
summer on record. More importantly this was the year Matthew was born.
Now, I'm sure you'll agree that looking at him today it's easy to accept that
he was an ugly baby. So ugly, in fact, that his mother didn't start morning
sickness start until after Matthew was born! His father Jeff once told me
that Matthew was so ugly he used to tie a bone around his neck …..just
so that the dog would play with him. Poor Kid
But in his defence he was a special child, so much so that he was put in
all the special classes. By the time he was 9, Matthew had started reading his
first book and by the time he was 14 he'd finished reading that Mr Man book.
On a serious note, I've known Matthew from the age of 9, at the
time we went to different primary schools but regularly competed against
each other on sports days. He was an outstanding footballer who would
score goals with ease. He always had the edge on me at sport but even at
that age he had great dignity and wanted the limelight to be on someone
other than himself, he is still the same today.
At 11 he went off to high school and we ended up in the same class. Our
footballing backgrounds meant we soon formed a close alliance. I fondly
remember the days when we would jump the fence next door to my house
to kick a ball about in the church yard.
He left school and Matthew got himself an apprenticeship
with Lorne Stewart as an electrician, which is still his trade today.
Some of his most famous work includes Windsor Castle, he started there
just before it burnt down due to faulty wiring and Brighton pier which has
also now burnt down due to faulty wiring.
Lorne Stewart have now given Matthew an office job.
At 17 we went on holiday to Majorca where there was the usual late nights
and a few too many beers drunk. One night after a few drinks he
dazzled us with his karaoke skills. This is where we found that Matthew
has probably the worst singing voice you've ever heard. He was awful,
even the host who was keen to encourage people up to sing said he
was tone deaf.
He maintained his love of football however a nasty knee injury has pushed
him into semi retirement, that talent though is too good waste and he's found
his way into management which he's doing very well at, even if he has
dropped me a few times GIT.
Matthew's affection for football continued and it's there that he met his one
true love. Yes whilst watching Ipswich Town. Matthew spotted Alison a
rose amongst 10 thousand thorns, he plucked up the courage to go over and
work his charm, well I don't know how mate but it worked and worked well.
The pre Alison version of Matthew Scrivener is not actually that different
to the present version, he is still described as being conceited, somewhat
selfish, often arrogant and on the whole pretty incentive, and lets face it
his mother should know.
Ever a romantic he used to give Alison a dozen roses on the 13th of the
month the anniversary of the day they met. Now, I'm not saying Matthew
is tight but his father's garden really took a hammering during those days.
On Matthew's 21st he went down on one knee and asked for Alison's hand
in marriage. He did this where you ask, was it in the romantic city of
Paris or on even a gondola cruising down a canal in Venice … No this
wholly chose the interval of a Speedway meeting watching Ipswich Witches!
It's funny really how history repeats itself. Only 24 years ago Mick & Anne
were sending Alison to bed with a dummy – and well, here we go again today…
The stag night took us down to Brighton which turned out to be the gay
capital of England NOT MY CHOICE BY THE WAY. We had the usual
late night and one to many beers. Matthew ended up with his head down
the B&B loo in the early hours, which he tried to explain off as, just doing
some emergency plumbing.
Listening to him explain to Alison the next day that it was just a little cough
was so funny.
We celebrated his final night of freedom with a quiet drink and ensured he
was home at a reasonable hour. I'm told he slept like a baby. He wet the bed
and woke every hour crying for his mother.
I will now just read a few messages from absent friends that couldn't make your day.
Dear Matthew, we could have been so good together. Love Micheal Barrymore.
Dear Matthew & Alison sorry I couldn't be with you today but things are a bit
tricky out here at the moment. Osama Bin Laden. And Finally
Dear Mr Matthew Scrivener: In response to your enquiry:- There is no such
thing as the married mans beer allowance – there never has been – please
stop wasting our time – that's signed Ipswich Tax Office
My final words go to the bride & groom.
I'm very proud to be best man here today and proud to have friends like
Matthew & Alison.
Matthew you are the most loyal and trustworthy friend I could ever wish
for and it is truly an honour being your Best man.
Alison is a lovely person, she deserves a good husband, and I know she
has found one in you.
So on that note, it gives me great pleasure
to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses for a toast.
to the new Mr & Mrs Scrivener
Matthew & Alison,