Speech by Matthew

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Matthew
Speech Date: 17/06/2013 10:52:45

Best Man Speech

Thank you to all those involved in making such a wonderful day possible. Thank you also to all those who have made it here today.

 I am especially glad to be here on this occasion to celebrate this wonderful day with one of my oldest and dreariest… sorry dearest friends whom I've had the punishment privilege of knowing for 17 years.

 So when Marcus asked me to be his best man, I said yes immediately, thrilled at the opportunity for a little character assassination.

All joking aside, in all honesty I was rather suspicious when he asked me. I'd been very unsure about this whole Marcus having a relationship narrative. Anybody who knows Marcus knows he has a penchant for telling fibs. Anybody that knows me knows I have a penchant for conspiracy theories. It can be a troublesome combination.

So, six years ago I moved to London. When I left he was unemployed, living in a caravan behind his mum's chicken shed. Well, as time went by I started hearing these stories. Stories about him hooking up with a beautiful blonde, Denise, a job in finance, driving a BMW and even buying a lovely sunshine semi! Well obviously my conspiracy radar was going off the charts! Beautiful blondes, BMW's, jobs in finance, property investments. Something's amiss!

Firstly, how's he managed to run this past the other female he adores? There was no way she was going to put up with this. She was pretty overbearing, never keen on his mates paying a visit, always had some gnarly comments to make. She never made us feel welcome and was very possessive over Marcus. To be blunt she was a bitch!

So I mulled this over and figured well it doesn't completely discredit the story. After all, as much as Marcus put her on a pedestal, perhaps he'd seen sense and started treating Molly the way everyone else treats their pet dogs. 

So I thought I'd give him the benefit of the doubt, I'm just being paranoid, I should get a grip. Well, that was all blown out of the water when her name started changing. First it was Denise then he started calling her Winnie. Winnie? Hmmm. C'mon Marcus get your story straight, which is it? Denise, Winnie something is going on here. Has he graduated to the Joseph Goebbels School of fibbing; “The bigger the lie you tell the more likely people are to believe it”? Nah! Marcus is definitely from the “Only tell small inconsequential fibs, not worth telling” school! 

Then it occurred to me, he had just completed a course in hypnotherapy, maybe its gone wrong. Maybe his dreams of being the next Derren Brown, arch manipulator extraordinaire and using these skills to achieve global domination have all backfired! Is he delusional? Has he been conned by a secret MI5 operation to create an undetectable mind control slave? Next he'll claim he's getting married. Will he want me to be his best man? Why am I being drawn into this? Nah, I thought, he'll never ask me not with my history of losing valuable belongings. The time we were in Marcus's car and I jettisoned a handful of unwanted pork pies, along with our friend's car keys on to the dual carriageway, would definitely rule me out.

Then to my shock and horror he did ask me! Well this got my brain running in overdrive. Maybe he HAS been recruited as an undetectable mind control slave and I'm being lulled into a trap. Maybe my conspiracy theorizing was getting too close to the truth and I needed to be eliminated and Marcus was the perfect candidate.

Well this revived my anxiety about his two failed attempts on my life.

On the first occasion, I'd stayed over at his place after a night of revelry at the local pub. Apparently, we arose late the next day and descended to the kitchen for breakfast. Supposedly all he had was toast. My response… so he says was; “Pah! Toast for breakfast! I want crisps and chocolate, drive me to the shop!” So, Marcus “as accommodating as always”, agreed to my demands or… had I predictably taken the bait – played like a puppet on a string?! Well this is where it gets really suspect; he crashed the car, apparently because a dog dashed over the road… we've all heard that one before, eh? Well anyway, supposedly our skulls clashed causing me a head injury and sometime in the hospital. Obviously, I survived conveniently not remembering a thing! Strange that Marcus walked away with minor cuts and bruises.

The second attempt, I think was too close and personnel and he bottled it. We were in the kitchen playing football and eating toast… as you do… and he made me laugh…laugh so hard a lump of toast went down the wrong way causing me to violently choke. Marcus sniggered and laughed at my misfortune…that is until I went Blue in the face. Maybe there was a pang of guilt, his conscience getting the better of him, his programming malfunctioning? Who knows? But he panicked and shouting “Heinreck Manoeuvre” dashed over, grabbed me, bent me over the sink and humped for dear life, eventually dislodging the blockage.

Needless to say, I did feel a little violated afterwards. Thinking back to it Marcus, it was a little over zealous; a good slap on the back would have probably sufficed. Watch out Denise, he has quite the grip!

Anyway, this whole wedding narrative was starting to make me really anxious. I'm not even getting into the “coincidence” that Denise is from Salford the place I spent the first ten years of my life. “Coincidence theory” Pfft!

So anyway, maybe MI5 knew about this deep repressed dislike Marcus had for me and they wanted to exploit it. Or maybe he's been operational as a sleeper cell ever since I've known him but his programming has been malfunctioning. Maybe, this time they've perfected it. Or even worse, maybe he isn't an undetectable mind control slave at all but fully conscious of what he is doing. Maybe, he was fed up with the “caravan behind the chicken shed” cover and demanded a serious pay rise from his employers. Telling them; “I want a cover where I'm fully employed. A job in finance will do! No more caravans and chicken sheds either! I want a nice house and on top of that I want a beautiful loving wife! Then I'll do your dirty work and finally get rid of this insidious threat to the state! Here's the plan; I'll ask him to be my best man for the wedding, lull him into a false sense of security and then when he's drunk later, as he inevitably will be, set him up in some tragic accident – easy!”

Well Marcus, sorry but you and your secret service cronies can't out fox me! I've just blown your cover! There is no way you can get away with it now. This speech is my insurance policy!

It's not the end of the world though is it? You leave here today GAINING a partner that is WARM, LOVING, CARING, And FUNNY and who RADIATES KINDNESS wherever she goes!!!…………………………..and Winnie sorry Denise…….how lucky are you? You leave here today having gained…………………………………….a beautiful dress, flowers and a sinister deep cover MI5 operative!!!!! 

But really… Marcus it's great to see you so happy, making the most of life having found someone as fantastic, beautiful and inspiring as Denise. I know you will make Denise a faithful, dependable and loving husband, as you've always been such a loyal friend to me. Meeting you and the rest of the gang at college has left me with so many great memories. We've all moved on with our lives and I miss the good times we had together but I know I've found friends for life!

Denise, I knew Marcus was on to something special when he revealed to me how much of an impact you've had on his life. He told me how inspiring he found you that his complaints and worries paled in comparison to the challenges you've faced. Challenges that you have met with incredible courage and positivity, which has led you to accomplishing so much! 

The two of you make a wonderful couple and I wish you both all the best!

All that remains for me to do is to ask you to charge your glasses, stand and join me in wishing Mr & Mrs Bond (see what I did there) a long, prosperous and happy life together.  Ladies and gentlemen please raise your glasses – to the Bride & Groom.