Speech by MattJ

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: MattJ
Speech Date: oct 2004
Ladies and Gentlemen, settle down
I beg you listen to this clown
The best man's role is abundantly clear
To entertain you and fill him with fear

But just before the fun begins
I ask you, put aside your grins
The true honor of best man demands
That we share some thoughts about their bands

First a response to Dave's kind words
His compliments about the bride's top birds
Their thanks I give and his words I repeat
Megan & Lola, you do look a treat
Thanks must go to the Moorhill hotel,
Mark and his team have really done well.
They've sweated and toiled for all of our sake
Thanks very much guys, we'll save you some cake!

Now we have to take the time,
Just for a bit, and stop rhyme
On behalf of those we hold dear
Who sent a card as they can't be here.

<Pause for cards etc…>

And let me share some thoughts of my life
At least the bits I've spent with my wife!
Marriage is the best thing that I've ever done
No need to think, it's the best – bar none

A friend by your side, all of the time
Scuba buddy, lover, partner in crime
It's all about sharing, understanding your rants
Not just cooking and cleaning and washing your pants

A life-long decision you'll never regret
A journey together you'll never forget
Someone to lean on when down on your luck
A Christmas cuddle or a New Year's.… Resolution
Forgive me now; I'm trying to hard
I'm sounding like a greetings card
You've come to hear of this young man's sins
Of drinking, debauchery and sleeping in bins

And whilst I'll try not to let you down
Some thoughts for Mel, in her wedding gown
It's clear to us all, that Dave's got a steal
But did our bride get as good of a deal?

Let's break it down, birth ’til today
See how those years made this man on display
Sprog on the Tyne back in 77
The year that Elvis went up to heaven
Little is known of his formative years
Newcastle Brown used to quieten his tears?
And what about Dave when he was at school?
A ‘straight A’ student, this kid was no fool!

On in to his teens and we start to see
The first indications of the man that he'll be
Star trek and Star Wars, a sci-fi shrine
To his fantasy girlfriend, Seven of Nine!

At the age of 18 our young man decides
To set the bright lights of Newcastle aside
So into his car and down the M1
To Loughborough Uni for learning and fun
The fancy dress parties are well worth a mention
His wonderful baby spice nappy invention
A brilliant Barney, dressed as the Flintstones
He may look like Phil Collins but he can dance like Tom Jones

At uni he honed his culinary skills
Learning the art of food with no frills
A penchant for steak that was burnt more than most
The same for sausages, chicken and toast.

And then there's fried breakfast cooked after the pub
The chance for some late night "beer munchies" grub
If six inches of oil was not enough
Bacon, eggs and shell is really quite rough
And now we can see the pattern emerge
The effect of that late night alcohol splurge
Dave's biggest problem, it's not lack of hairs
It's falling asleep at the foot of the stairs

Not just once or twice but time and again
A few beers alone just cannot explain
Whilst others make it to the top of the house
He's curled on the floor, fast asleep, like a mouse

Now picture this scene, again late one night
The boys in the house were pretending to fight
Behind the sliding door in the downstairs loo
Our bride groom David we readily threw
Now you could tell, Dave did not like it
The bathroom door he started to hit
And forgetting to slide he started to shove
With small bits of wall falling down from above

What's coming next, did not take long at all
The slidy bit started to come out of the wall
And into the kitchen and on to the floor
Flew Dave, free at last, but still holding the door

Straight after Uni, moving to Brum
A software guru our man had become
He started to settle and met up with Mel
So I think you can say, all's ended up well
In summary Mel, you've not done to bad
I really can't say enough good ’bout the lad
He'll do anything for you – a really true friend
An absolute hero whom you'll always depend

So that is that, my time is done
Thank you all for sharing in this fun
My last duty and honor as this part's host
Is to ask you to stand, as we all share a toast

To joy and laughter, love and life
My mate Dave and his beautiful wife
Friends and family all round this room
Raise your glasses and toast, the Bride and Groom!