Speech by Megso C

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Megso C
Speech Date: 25/07/2016 10:47:53

Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen. Thank you for sharing this very special day with Mr and Mrs Hogg. I hope you're all enjoying yourselves so far!

Firstly I must apologise if I drop my notes during this speech but I can confirm that have lost all feeling to my hands! Some clown decided to order us “skinny fit” suits (keep in mind this is one tighter than slim fit which is already tight).

Skinny fit is not suited to your 15 stone beefcake! The jackets are a bit tight around the Guns! My hands were turning blue during the ceremony!

Let me introduce myself for those of you who don't know me, my name is martin but most of you will know me as Megso and Of course a great honour to be asked to be asked to be best man.

I'm preparation for this speech I prepared a few lines…..after seeing them off I feel on top of the world!

In seeking advice on how to deliver a best man speech I was given advice from a close friend. He compared it to rocking up to a nudist beach! The first few minutes are always your hardest!

I must confess to you all I am extremely nervous, my arse is currently going like a fiddlers elbow. And I tell you this certainly isn't the first time today I have left a warm seat with a couple of sheets of paper in my hand!

So with that in mind I promise that this will be short in length, about the same amount of time it will take Hoggy to consummate his marriage to Caroline later on tonight………… twice

I'd like to congratulate Hoggy on a truly magnificent speech. I always knew it would be difficult to follow one of your speeches, and I was right…I couldn't follow a bloody word of it!

Keep in mind you're a married man now so that'll be the last time you're allowed to speak uninterrupted!

Also a thanks to (Caroline's dad) for a great speech. We were speaking before he started reminiscing about how fast Caroline has grown up. He said when Caroline was a toddler he remembers her spending most of her time running around with a dummy, and now suddenly here she is, running around with a dummy!

Looking around, everybody looks fantastic but none more so than our bride – Caroline looks absolutely stunning!

Hoggy you've scrubbed up not too bad as well mate!

Now Hoggy being the heart-throb that he is will have undoubtedly left many a woman heartbroken after today. In fact I was maybe worried with him off the market for good that some of his old flames and conquests might have turned up today. Thankfully though there's been a recent foot and mouth epidemic and that's wiped them all out – taking care of the problem for me!

Hoggy tells me the way Britain decided to leave Europe was similar to how he felt when he first considered proposing to Caroline. He weighed up the pros and cons, worried about the future, considered the financial benefits, but mostly did it to stop other people gaining entry!

Hoggy & I go back a long way. Growing up he lived just stone's throw from me up the mean streets of Balmoral. We've trained with each other in the gym for years, our strength was often pretty even until it came to legs – I'd often have to completely strip the bar so he could keep up with me – legs were always his weak point!

First time I met Hoggy properly in the gym His exact words were “awrite Megs.” “Alright Hoggy, how you getting on” “no bad but just shit ma breaks doing heavy deadlift before” and he proceeded to pick up his bag and be on his way.

This brings me to another point, hats off to Anne and Caroline for laundry day in Hogg household, because the amount of times over the years he's told me he's filled his breaks lifting heavy weights is in triple figures!!

We went on to play rugby together packing down in the front row for gala for several seasons. We formed a solid partnership, renowned for our ruthless scrumming, efficient set piece and but most of all I think our partnership will be remembered for our “delicious handling skills” – words of the fans not mine!

Of course I was delighted when Hoggy started playing for gala because I was able to play in the front row beside my pal but the main reason was because I knew I would no longer be seeded in the haggis of the year tournament! For those of you who don't know what the haggis of the year tournament is – Every year at the end of the season end certain lads are nominated to take part in haggis of the year knockout tournament in a derogatory celebration of poor handling. The unfortunate lads nominated are those who have made a couple of handling errors during the season. The usual suspects – myself, Shaun law, malky horsburgh, Chris weir etc…..Now the actual tournament involved greasing up a haggis with fairy liquid and throwing it to one another using your left hand, whilst your team mates formed a circle around you providing plenty of encouragement In the way of heckling and taunting ! 3 drops of the haggis and you would progress to the next round until it was the two worst handlers left! And thanks to my good pal Hoggy I never won haggis of the year again after 2006! Hoggy is the current all-time record holder!

On another note I have recently heard that Hoggy is returning to rugby for the coming season after a couple of seasons out of the game. This should be interesting, through all the years myself and Hoggy have never scrummed against each other, not even once, even at training! However there is a distinct possibility we may pack down against each other this season when watsonians play gala! Just be sure you're down that day to hear the reverse lights (beep beep beep)!

Now I have some good stories on Hoggy but most of them are probably to vigorous to repeat during this speech. So I turned to some other people for stories on Hoggy

First I turned to his work colleagues to see what he was like to work with. I hear he's earned the nickname god in the workplace! Apparently he's rarely seen, make up his own rules and if he does any work it's a miracle.

Caroline also divulged some information. First time he pulled her they went back to Caroline's after a night in indigo rooms and Hoggy being the shrewd tactical genius made sure he would secure a second date – he “forgot” to take his socks home with him (a tattie old pair of Wilson socks with a hole in the toe). Needless to say Caroline received a text the next day “aye – ill need to come up and get the socks back”! Smooth!

Caroline also informs me that Hoggy has a bad habit of talking to her like she's one of the lads and she isn't sure at all what he will call her after they get married! Hoggy has the habit of referring to Caroline as “wud”(spelt W U D) .In fact during the romantic proposal I'm told Hoggy exact words “quote on quote” were “ will you mirry ee's wud”. Lucky lady!

On a serious note, Hoggy been a brilliant friend over the years and it truly is an honour to be his best man. We've had some excellent times together and I know we will continue to do so in the future!

I would now just like to say a few thank you's.

Firstly a big “thank you” to the bridesmaids for today I'm sure you'll all agree they have done a marvellous job and all look fantastic.

Thank you to Ushers Shaun, Craig and Stevie who have done a great job also. Excelling themselves in the extremely difficult task of doing absolutely F all!

Also a massive Thank you to both sets of Parents Anne, Gordon, Linda and Garry for making this day possible both financially and biologically. I know a lot of planning goes into a wedding and this day certainly wouldn't have been possible without your help.

Now in the interest of health and safety the venue manager has asked me to pass on that nobody is allowed to get up on the tables and chairs during my standing ovation!

It gives me immense pleasure to invite you all to be upstanding, raise your glasses and join me in a toast to Caroline and Craig

I'm sure you are going to be very happy together and I think I speak for everybody here when I say I wish you both the very best for your future together.

Cheers